Living with OCD

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Sometimes, living with obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) can feel like being trapped inside a prison. Your mind feels like it is in a constant state of

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Three years ago I was in the thick of the worst experience of my life. I was constantly scouring the internet trying to find someone with the exact same issues I had. I was haunted by the idea that it must be something else. I want people to know that you can get better from this. There is hope. I have been told

I think that it is so important to have a community around you. Having people who are readily available to talk to you and not provide reassurance, to let me know that I am not alone has been a tremendous help. I feel like that is what has helped me from going off the deep end. The community of people brings me hope. I am learning that the more you apply yourself to ERP, the more it works.

I was a very creative young black girl inspired by everything I consumed from cartoons, music, and television. As I grew older I was belittled for certain things that I loved due to generational trauma and societal norms. One thing I found truly essential and true to my core being was how much I valued my attraction to the opposite sex.

I grew up in a culture where you were supposed to “save face” and where you didn’t go outside of the family to ask for help. I also didn’t know how to ask for help within my own family. Living with perfectionism, I could not admit when I made a mistake or when I struggled. I compared myself to my peers and even more crucially, to my siblings. My thoughts were about my failures. Other times, I just avoided my thoughts in maladaptive ways.

My name is Shaun Flores. I have OCD. OCD changed my life. It was the worst thing to ever happen to me, but I continue to be the worst thing to happen to OCD. Looking back at life, I took my mental health for granted. I was chasing every single opportunity provided to me. I was raised on the bedrock of ideas that I must succeed regardless of the cost. 

I have learned how important it is to let thoughts be there. Let them be there and I don’t need to respond, I don’t need to do anything with them. For me, medication paired with ERP has been beneficial. ERP has helped me learn so much. One of the most helpful things, for me, has been finding balance. At first, everything was black and white, all or nothing. I needed to learn not how to not go from one extreme to another, to live in the in-between. I had to learn that nothing is certain.

OCD tries to make you think that you don’t get to choose what you want to do with your life, that instead, your life will just “happen” to you unless you fight for certainty and control. Recovering from OCD allows you to recognize that YOU get to choose to live life according to your values. YOU get to choose to be true to yourself, instead of true to your OCD fears. I get to choose how to live my life and stay true to the things that are important to me personally, like my marriage, family, and faith. OCD can’t take those things away from me.

I went to therapy to get help. Within the first few minutes of my session, my therapist knew I had severe Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD). This was the very first time I had ever been diagnosed. After so many years of suffering, it finally had been given a name. Prior to my diagnosis of OCD, I had been misdiagnosed with Panic Disorder, lactose intolerance, hormone issues,  and Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder (PMDD). I had no idea how to convey my symptoms to the numerous doctors I had seen, school personnel, or even my family. I couldn’t put into words what I was experiencing.

OCD will attack what you value and fear the most. Don’t be ashamed or afraid to ask for help. Anyone who judges you is not worth your time. Surround yourself with people who make you happy and want the best for you. This matters so much. You need to know that you are not alone in your fight.

I felt completely trapped and lost in my own mind. I barely slept that night. I couldn’t stop ruminating over the idea that, not only wasn’t my life orderly and perfect anymore, but even my own thoughts weren’t perfect. I became convinced that my thoughts were making me sick and was petrified by the fact that I could not control them.