Few things are more heart-wrenching for a parent than watching their child struggle and being unsure how to help. We often feel our children’s pain so deeply that we’d probably do anything to take it away—and when it comes to obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), this feeling can be especially intense.
When OCD rears its ugly head, our first instinct might be to swoop in and try to rescue our children from every uncomfortable feeling or intrusive thought that won’t leave them alone. We might reassure them that everything is okay, that these thoughts don’t mean anything, unaware that this response can actually strengthen OCD’s grip.
Instead, there’s something more powerful we can do: we can teach our children how to respond to OCD themselves. Here are a few tips that can help.
Doing the opposite of what OCD says
As an OCD-specialty therapist, someone living with OCD, and a mother of two children with OCD, I teach parents that 99% of the time, we want to “do the opposite” of what OCD says to do. In order to do this, our kids need to practice recognizing “the voice of OCD,” in a sense.
Here’s what can make this challenging: children don’t always recognize OCD’s “voice” the way adults do. Depending on a child’s age, they might not understand why we’re asking them to ignore some fears but take others seriously, since it all feels very real to them. That’s why we need to be thoughtful about how we frame this concept.
We need to gradually help our kids understand the difference between realistic concerns and OCD’s false alarms, using language and examples that make sense for their age.
“Possible” vs. “probable”
One key phrase I like to teach children that can help with this process is “Just because it is possible, doesn’t mean it is likely.” To make this concept stick, I like to use a silly or outrageous example that will grab a child’s attention and help them start to see what I mean, such as “It is possible that someday, somewhere in the world, a green, spotted unicorn will be seen flying over a field and falling into the ocean causing a massive flood.”
Feel free to get creative as you find what works best for your family. For older kids and teens, you may want to use more relatable fears or detailed examples, but the goal remains the same: helping a child understand that life comes with uncertainty, and that’s okay.
While we’re using humor as a teaching tool, we want to be cautious that our children don’t feel like we’re making light of their thoughts, being condescending, or invalidating the fear and anxiety they experience. OCD feels very real to people of all ages and when an intrusive thought pops up, your child’s stress levels are probably at an all-time high.
Instead, we want to validate their emotions while gently helping them build tolerance for uncertainty. As you familiarize your child with this concept, it can be helpful to respond to their worried what-ifs with statements like, “If that happens, we’ll figure it out together,” or “We can cross that bridge if or when we come to it.” This shows them that while we can’t control everything in life, we can face any challenge as a team.
The important thing is that they grasp the concept of allowing themselves to sit with the discomfort of uncertainty, because this is what makes OCD lose its power.
Virtual OCD treatment that accepts insurance
When you’re tempted to challenge the thoughts
When our kids come to us feeling uncomfortable, sad, hurt, or stressed about their intrusive thoughts, our parental instincts often kick in. We might want to explain all the reasons why their fear isn’t logical, thinking this will help them feel better. But here’s what makes OCD so challenging: it doesn’t play by the rules of logic. While there is absolutely a time and a place for logic, this isn’t it.
OCD is often called the “doubting disorder” because it creates an insatiable hunger for certainty. The more we try to dispel the intrusive thoughts with reason and rationality, the more we try to prove OCD wrong, the more ammunition we give it to create new doubts.
It’s the analogy of “feeding the monster,” with OCD being the monster: Our job is to starve the monster, and help our kids learn to starve it, too. We want them to give as little attention as possible to what OCD says or wants them to believe about themselves. This is why we must teach kids with OCD that although the feeling of uncertainty is highly uncomfortable and distressing, they can handle it.
“Maybe, maybe not.”
Instead of trying to “fight off” intrusive thoughts with logic, many parents find it helpful to teach their children non-engagement responses. The goal of these responses is to help your child passively acknowledge whatever OCD might be saying, and then continue on with what they were doing, rather than stopping to argue with it.
Here are a few examples of what this can look like in practice:
- “Wow, that really could happen.”
- “I bet that will happen.”
- “Maybe it will, maybe not.”
- “That’s an interesting thought.”
- “We will just have to see.”
The beauty of these responses is that they aren’t trying to prove OCD wrong or right—they’re stepping out of the debate altogether. My favorite way to explain this to families is, “Until I am 100% convinced or certain that the thought is true, I will live as though it isn’t.” I follow that up with the “If and when it becomes true, I will figure out how to handle it at that time.” This approach can help kids learn that they don’t need certainty to move forward with their lives.
The next step in your journey
While learning to respond to intrusive thoughts can be important, there’s much more to learn about managing OCD, and many families discover that working with a professional—in this case, an OCD-specialty therapist—makes the journey much easier. With their guidance, your child can learn to respond to intrusive thoughts in ways that weaken OCD’s power, not strengthen it.
At NOCD, our licensed, OCD-specialty therapists are trained by world-renowned experts in treating children and teens with exposure and response prevention (ERP) therapy, the most effective treatment for OCD. NOCD Therapists deeply understand the unique challenges faced by kids and teens with OCD, and create a personalized treatment plan based on each child’s needs. Through convenient virtual sessions that fit into your busy family life, they can help your child build confidence in their ability to handle uncertainty and take the power away from OCD.
To take the next step in helping your child overcome OCD, book a free 15-minute call with our team. We make the process of starting treatment as simple and supportive as possible, and during your call, we’ll answer any questions you have and help you find the right therapist match for your child. We accept many major insurance plans to make treatment more affordable and work with members not using insurance to manage costs in a way that meets their needs.