Why am I constantly seeking reassurance in my relationship?

It’s normal to want a little reassurance in a relationship every once in a while. You want to feel secure and make sure your partner feels the same way. If you’re constantly asking your partner for reassurance—whether they still love you or if they think they should be with someone else—it can start to affect your relationship and daily life. While it’s natural to seek validation, doing it too often can create some tension or distance between you and your partner over time. 

While asking for reassurance might make you feel better in the moment, it can also make your partner feel confused and wonder if the way they love and care for you is enough. If asking for reassurance is a constant rather than a once in a while thing, it could signal that there’s a deeper issue worth exploring. 

A therapist’s perspective

Uncertainty is a part of every relationship, and it is not necessarily a bad thing. Dr. Patrick McGrath, Chief Clinical Officer at NOCD, shares that he has seen patterns of reassurance seeking—both healthy and unhealthy—throughout his decades-long career. He believes that it all comes down to how people deal with uncertainty. “Some can accept these feelings as an inevitable part of their union, knowing that they can’t control their partner, or the outcome of every detail that unfolds in their relationship. Others, however, may respond to this uncertainty with an excessive amount of reassurance-seeking,” he explains.

If you often wonder why you need constant reassurance in your relationship—asking your partner if they love you, whether they truly want to be with you, or making sure they won’t cheat on you one day—then you may be familiar with this phenomenon. Dr. McGrath shares that some people might also look for reassurance within themselves, asking questions like: “Am I really attracted to them? Are they ‘The One?’”

Despite your best efforts to get the certainty you need—and your partner’s earnest attempt to show care or commitment—you may find that it doesn’t work. No matter how hard you both try, the reassurance never puts you at ease.

“I hear this a lot, and there’s a scientific explanation for it,” explains Dr. McGrath. “Many people who engage in excessive reassurance-seeking in their relationships don’t like their behavior and want to stop it. But doing so can be difficult if you don’t understand the underlying issue driving your behavior.”

Dr. McGrath asks you to think about a few questions. “What’s at the root of your constant need for reassurance? And what can you do about it—so you feel better, and are able to enjoy your relationship, rather than worry about it?”

Let’s explore the answers to those questions. If there’s one thing you can be certain of, it’s that others have successfully recovered from the issue of excessive reassurance seeking and you are not alone.

What is reassurance in a relationship?

Feeling loved and valued is an essential part of any partnership. Reassurance is the need for validation or affirmation from your partner that they have real feelings for you, that they see you in their life long term, or that they’re attracted to you. Needing to feel secure in a relationship is ok, but if seeking reassurance becomes a pattern, it could be a sign that something is wrong. 

There are some common reassurance-seeking behaviors in relationships that you can look out for. If you find yourself engaging in these habits very often, it might be tied to a bigger issue like relationship anxiety or relationship obsessive compulsive disorder (ROCD). 

Reassurance seeking behaviors

• Being hypervigilant about your partner’s moods and behaviors.
• Frequently asking your partner if they find you attractive.
• Frequently wondering if your partner is mad or annoyed at you.
• Repeatedly inquiring about your partner’s whereabouts.
• Checking your partner’s phone to make sure they aren’t having a romantic connection with someone else.
• “Testing” your partner’s interest in you.
• Asking others what they think about your relationship.

There are also some common phrases and questions people ask to seek reassurance. Here are some examples of asking for reassurance in a relationship:

• “We’re okay, right?”
• “Are you sure you’re not mad at me?”
• “Do you think I’m ‘the one?’”
• “There’s no way we could break up, right?”
• “You’d tell me if you weren’t attracted to me anymore, wouldn’t you?”

Even with the best intentions, constant reassurance-seeking can create tension and exhaustion for both partners. If you’re noticing these patterns, seeking professional support can help strengthen communication and bring more security to your relationship.

Why do I need constant reassurance in my relationship?

As with most issues related to mental health, there’s not one explanation that fits every person. That being said, Dr. McGrath shares some common themes and reasons for excessive reassurance-seeking from a partner:

• Low self-esteem and reassurance seeking:
  • If you lack confidence in yourself, you might look to others for emotional support. This can lead to constantly seeking reassurance, especially when you don’t trust your own value in the relationship.

• A breach of trust, like infidelity:
  • Significant negative events like these can create an impact for years to come, from one relationship to another. Once your trust is broken, you might frequently ask for validation to feel secure again, even in new relationships.

• Fear of abandonment and reassurance seeking:
  • If you’re afraid of being left behind, it can lead to seeking constant validation that your partner won’t leave. This fear can make you more anxious about where your relationship stands, leading to more frequent reassurance-seeking.

• A life event that causes depression or anxiety:
  • If you go through a difficult time, you might have a greater need for more support from your partner. In these cases, needing more reassurance could be a way to cope with feelings of instability or insecurity.

• A previous traumatic relationship:
  • A past traumatic relationship may be from a romantic partner or caused by another important person in your life. Either way, the anxiety or fear you feel or are reminded of can cause you to seek constant reassurance, hoping it will prevent the same pain from happening again.

• Reassurance seeking for intimacy issues:
  • Struggles with intimacy, whether emotional or physical, can trigger a need for constant reassurance. You might wonder whether your partner is truly invested, enjoying intercourse, or attracted to you, leading you to ask for validation repeatedly.

• Having an anxious attachment style:
  • Attachment style is a theory that suggests people approach relationships based on how they were raised. If you have an anxious attachment style, you might fear being abandoned and need more reassurance to feel secure in your relationship. It’s important to remember that attachment styles aren’t a diagnosis—they’re just a way to better understand how past experiences can shape how we connect with others.

• Reassurance seeking communication challenges: 
  • If there’s a lack of clear communication, it can cause uncertainty and lead to seeking reassurance. Misunderstandings or feeling unheard can fuel anxiety, making you seek validation more often.

• A type of obsessive-compulsive disorder called relationship OCD (or ROCD):
  • ROCD causes individuals to obsess over their relationship, leading them to seek constant reassurance about the relationship’s status or their partner’s feelings. This can create a cycle of doubt and validation-seeking behavior.

Is my need for reassurance related to OCD?

When needing reassurance in your relationship reaches a certain level, it could be a sign of OCD. If you’ve only ever associated OCD with things like excessive hand-washing and counting rituals, this may come as a surprise.

So what is OCD? It’s a mental health condition where people experience a cycle of obsessions and compulsions. Obsessions are recurring thoughts, images, sensations, or urges that cause significant anxiety or discomfort. To ease this distress, people often engage in compulsions, which are actions—either physical or mental—meant to help manage the anxiety or prevent something they fear from happening.

“Here’s an important thing to know about OCD,” shares Dr. McGrath. “It latches on to the things you care most about—and research backs this up. If relationships are something you highly value, that’s how OCD might show up for you,” he explains.

What is ROCD?

Relationship OCD (ROCD) is a specific subtype of OCD that is characterized by ongoing intrusive thoughts and compulsive behaviors related to close, personal relationships—most often romantic or intimate ones.

Research has linked ROCD with high levels of perfectionism, catastrophic beliefs about partnerships, and even with more depression compared to those with other forms of OCD. “If you hold your relationship to impossible standards or are constantly worrying about ‘what if,’ then it makes sense that you’d want constant reassurance that everything is okay,” Dr.McGrath says.

The compulsions associated with ROCD, like asking for constant reassurance, do usually offer relief, but only temporarily. Then, the cycle of obsessions, anxiety and compulsions repeats. “This cycle can make ROCD symptoms worse over time because it teaches your brain that reassurance helps you avoid a feared outcome. And that can reinforce your fears and make them more intense,” Dr. McGrath explains.

He goes on to say that the more you seek reassurance, the less confidence you have in your own ability to cope with uncertainty or discomfort, and the more reassurance you need. This means that as soon as the obsessive thoughts resurface again, you feel a need to engage in the compulsion once more.

How does ROCD cause reassurance-seeking?

If you struggle with ROCD, you might notice that certain situations trigger your need for reassurance more than others. These moments can vary from person to person, but they often share common themes that can fuel doubt and anxiety in your relationship. 

Let’s look at some of the things that could trigger your reassurance-seeking behavior with ROCD. Your triggers may be very different from someone else’s, but here are some common ones Dr. McGrath says to look out for:

• Needing absolute certainty from your partner about your relationship—and not feeling like they can guarantee it.
• Worrying that you may have turned off or alienated your partner by something you’ve done.
• Feeling like something in your relationship is “a little off” and needing reassurance that everything is okay.
• Seeing someone who you are attracted to and wondering if you might cheat on your partner, or if it means you don’t love your partner.

How excessive reassurance-seeking impacts your relationships

Dr. McGrath says he understands the desire to have security and connection in a relationship—and wanting reassurance for possible doubts and worries. “What I’ve seen in my experience is that the partners of people with ROCD can also suffer as a result,” he shares.

Your partner might not understand why you need constant validation, or why their reassurance never seems to be enough no matter how many times they genuinely tell you they love you, or that they would never cheat on you.

The constant need for validation and reassurance can feel overwhelming and confusing to partners. And they may be hurt or angry by your doubts about the relationship and their commitment to you. Although your behaviors are usually an attempt to try to strengthen your relationship and feel more secure with your bond, ROCD can actually cause those intentions to backfire.

How can I stop seeking constant reassurance from my partner?

This is a question Dr. McGrath hears a lot. “It depends on the specific issue you’re dealing with. If you have anxiety or trauma, for example, seeking therapy from a qualified professional could help you work through it.” But, he adds, “if what you’re going through is ROCD, it may require a specific type of treatment called exposure and response prevention (ERP) therapy.”

ERP is different from talk therapy, since traditional psychotherapy can actually worsen OCD symptoms. Think about it: you may end up using your therapist to provide reassurance on your relationship, which—once again—only serves to reinforce the OCD rather than free you from the need for reassurance. 

How can ERP help?

Dr. McGrath takes us through what ERP can look like for someone with ROCD. First, a therapist who specializes in OCD will get to know your specific symptoms. From there, they’ll create a custom therapy plan that involves working together to rank your relationship fears or triggers based on how stressful they seem. 

In the early phases, your therapist will typically prompt you to face a fear that’s not too overwhelming—like just saying the word “cheating” out loud. By doing this, anxiety inducing thoughts may come up, but instead of responding with a compulsion, you’ll learn to sit with the discomfort. As Dr. McGrath explains, “By making this conscious choice and seeing that nothing bad happens, or realizing that you handled the discomfort better than you thought you could, your brain gets the message that there was nothing to fear in the first place.”

As your therapy progresses, you’ll work on triggers that cause a bit more distress, helping you face bigger fears at a manageable pace. With your therapist’s guidance, you’ll eventually practice these skills in everyday life.

“As an OCD specialist with decades of experience treating ROCD, I know from personal experience that ERP can allow you to feel more secure in your relationship—and your life in general,” shares Dr. McGrath. “Eventually, you won’t be riddled with distress from intrusive thoughts, images, or urges about your relationship. Your need to engage in compulsions goes away.” This allows you to live a life that feels more free, without the constant need for reassurance.

Bottom line

Constant reassurance seeking can feel exhausting, not only for you but also for your partner. While it may provide temporary relief, it often leads to a cycle of doubt that leaves both parties feeling frustrated and emotionally drained. 

If you find that reassurance seeking is becoming a regular pattern in your relationship, it may be time to explore the deeper reasons behind it. With the right support and treatment, you can break free from the need for constant validation and cultivate a healthier, more secure relationship.