Why am I still thinking about my ex?

It’s completely normal to think about your ex every once in a while. After all, when someone from a past romantic relationship has played a big role in your life, memories are bound to pop up occasionally. Maybe you drive by a restaurant you used to go to together, and suddenly, you’re hit with a wave of nostalgia. Or you hear a song that reminds you of a specific moment you shared. Little reminders like these are a natural part of having a past with someone, and having these passing thoughts doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong.

When thoughts about your ex start moving from occasional reminders to something that feels harder to shake, it can be a sign that there’s something more going on under the surface that needs attention. If you notice these memories are popping up more frequently, getting in the way of your current relationship, or even affecting your ability to focus, it might be worth looking a little deeper. 

So how can you tell what’s normal and what might be a sign of something more? Let’s dive deeper into what it really means when you’re still thinking about an ex.

Is thinking about my ex normal?

Thinking about an ex after a breakup is more common than you might realize. A 2022 study published in the Journal of Behavior Therapy and Experimental Psychiatry found that people who had experienced a breakup—whether they were the one to end it or not—often felt a strong sense of attachment anxiety about their ex. Many people reported feeling lingering rumination, longing, and even distress over the breakup, sometimes months later. Researchers noted this is actually quite common and reflects just how deeply attachment impacts us. Since humans are wired for connection, it’s only natural that losing a close relationship can bring on feelings of sadness or nostalgia.

Dr. Patrick McGrath, Chief Clinical Officer at NOCD puts thinking about your ex in perspective. “If it gets to a point where it’s hard to date anybody else because you’re just comparing everyone to this former person, that can be difficult.” In other words, the occasional memory is expected, but if these thoughts start to feel stuck or make it hard to be fully present or move on, it might be a sign to look a little deeper at what’s driving them.

How can I tell if my thoughts about my ex are becoming too much?

While it’s normal to remember an ex occasionally, there are a few signs that could indicate it’s becoming too much. Dr. McGrath explains that a good way to pinpoint this is to ask questions like “Is it interfering with your ability to function, to meet other people, to even take a risk and go out on a date with someone? Are you unwilling to give anybody else a chance?” If this is the case, it may be time to pay attention to what’s driving your actions. 

Here are some things to look out for that might indicate your thoughts about an ex are becoming more than just occasional memories:

• Frequently comparing your current partner to your ex
• Finding yourself checking your ex’s social media regularly
• Feeling anxious, guilty, or conflicted about having these thoughts
• Noticing that memories of your ex are affecting your mood or ability to enjoy your present life
• Having a hard time connecting with a new partner because of lingering thoughts about your ex
• Feeling compelled to talk about your ex to friends, even when it doesn’t seem relevant

When you’re unable to stop yourself from checking up on them, or you feel a need to constantly reassure yourself about the breakup, there may be more going on. Sometimes, a fixation on past relationships can stem from underlying mental health conditions, such as anxiety, depression, or even relationship OCD (ROCD).

Mental health conditions related to fixating on an ex

In some cases, constantly thinking about your ex may be a sign of a mental health condition, or, it could contribute to one if left unchecked. Not every instance of thinking about an ex means there’s a mental health issue at play, but when it becomes overwhelming, it may be helpful to consider whether anxiety, or ROCD could be a factor. Here’s a closer look at how these conditions can relate to ongoing thoughts about an ex.

Anxiety

Anxiety can often amplify thoughts about an ex, causing them to feel more pressing or even distressing. When anxiety is at play, thoughts about your ex can take on a heightened sense of urgency or worry that feels hard to control. Anxiety can make it seem like these thoughts are a much bigger deal than they are, adding to a sense of pressure or unease. 

Treatment methods for anxiety, such as exposure and response prevention therapy (ERP), and mindfulness practices can help manage these intense thoughts, allowing you to feel more in control and less consumed by them.

ROCD

Relationship OCD, or ROCD, is a form of OCD that fixates specifically on doubts and fears about relationships. Obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD) is a mental health condition characterized by intrusive, unwanted thoughts, images, or impulses that cause significant distress. People with OCD typically respond to these obsessions by performing rituals—whether physical actions or mental exercises—to find temporary relief from their anxiety. However, this relief is short-lived, creating a continuous cycle of obsessions and compulsions.

ROCD can make thoughts of a past relationship feel persistent and overwhelming, causing intense anxiety around unresolved feelings or comparisons and fears. 

As Dr. McGrath explains, “In cases of ROCD, people might do various things… maybe they’ll go online and search a bunch of stuff about [their ex]. Maybe they will ask people to follow that person and see what’s going on. Maybe they will question their own relationship—did they make the right decision? Maybe they’ll review the entire past relationship and ask themselves, ‘Should I have broken up with this person?’” 

These compulsive behaviors—whether through reassurance-seeking, avoidance, or mental checking—only reinforce the distressing cycle, making it harder to move forward.

If you have or think you might have ROCD, seeking treatment can help you manage your symptoms. Exposure and response prevention (ERP) therapy is the clinically-proven treatment for OCD—a form of therapy where you gradually face your obsessions and triggers. With the help of a therapist, you will learn to sit with the discomfort your obsessions cause you instead of acting on compulsions. Over time, ERP builds resilience by helping you become comfortable with the discomfort, so you no longer feel the need to seek temporary relief. 

If you have ROCD and are dealing with obsessions about your ex, your therapist will guide you through ERP exercises specific to these concerns. For instance, they might encourage you to bring up qualities of your current partner and resist comparing them to your ex.  By practicing sitting with these thoughts instead of trying to resolve or dismiss them, ERP helps break the cycle of obsessive thinking, allowing you to feel more at ease over time.

How to stop thinking about your ex

If thoughts of your ex keep popping up, it’s understandable for you to wish they’d just go away. But as Dr. McGrath explains, the goal isn’t necessarily to stop thinking about your ex altogether. Instead, it’s about being able to think of them without attaching too much weight or meaning to the thought. 

Dr. McGrath says, “Our goal is not to never think about this again, even though that’s what we would like.  Our goal is to be okay with whatever thoughts pop into our head.” In other words, the goal is to let these thoughts come and go without feeling the need to fix or control them.

He also suggests working toward a place where these memories don’t feel as urgent. A good goal to have is to reach a point where thinking about your ex doesn’t feel like it needs to be fixed or solved—it’s just a thought, and that’s okay. By allowing these thoughts to be there without judgment, you may notice they start to lose their grip on you.

Instead of focusing on trying to “get rid of” your thoughts, try to accept them as just thoughts. Over time, this shift in mindset can make it easier to move forward without being pulled back into a cycle of rumination or regret.

Bottom line

If you’re finding it tough to stop thinking about your ex, remember that you’re not alone. Occasional memories are a normal part of moving on, but when these thoughts feel overwhelming or begin to interfere with your life, it may help to explore why they’re lingering. 

Whether it’s a natural part of healing or something deeper like ROCD, anxiety, or depression, there are effective ways to manage these feelings. Treatment options like ERP therapy can help you face these thoughts without feeling the need to fix or avoid them, empowering you to find peace and focus on your future.