Love can feel powerful and all-consuming, especially in the early stages of a relationship. Sometimes these feelings can be thrilling and fun—but sometimes, intense attraction can begin to feel unhealthy.
When love begins to feel more like a fixation, it may be less about a genuine connection and more about an urge to control someone else. Some people refer to this dynamic as “obsessive love disorder” (OLD).
Read on to learn what people mean when they talk about obsessive love disorder, why someone may exhibit these symptoms, and how you can get help.
Do I have obsessive love disorder?
Obsessive love disorder (OLD) is often used to describe an intense, overwhelming fixation on another person, which is typically romantic in nature. Behaviors associated with this term include:
- The need to constantly be close to a romantic partner or crush.
- The desire to control another person’s behavior.
- The belief that your romantic partner is essential to your own stability and happiness.
- Frequent checking in or monitoring your partner’s behavior.
- Attempts to protect or possess the person, even if it crosses boundaries.
While the term “obsessive love disorder” has become mainstream (especially online), it isn’t an official diagnosis in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5), or a medically recognized condition. Instead, obsessive love disorder (OLD) is often viewed as a term that encapsulates a set of behaviors that may indicate other mental health conditions, or underlying issues. Even though you can’t technically be diagnosed with OLD, recognizing the signs associated with it can still be valuable as it may signal that you could benefit from professional support.
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Causes of “obsessive love disorder”
Even though obsessive love disorder isn’t a diagnosable mental health condition, there are certain conditions that can feel similar—and may offer more insight into the patterns and behaviors that obsessive love disorder attempts to capture.
Attachment Disorders
Attachment disorders, often rooted in childhood experiences, can impact how people form and maintain relationships in adulthood. Those with an insecure or anxious attachment style might feel an intense need to be close to others, sometimes leading to possessive or obsessive behaviors. In relationships, this can look like a constant need for reassurance, a fear of abandonment, or an overwhelming preoccupation with your partner’s actions or whereabouts.
Delusional disorders
Delusional disorders involve persistent, false beliefs that aren’t rooted in reality and may center around relationships or love. One type of delusional disorder is erotomania, a rare disorder, where someone believes that another person, often a stranger or public figure, is in love with them. This can lead to persistent attempts to connect with or meet this person, despite a lack of real-life interactions or evidence.
Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD)
Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) is a complex, chronic mental health condition characterized by intrusive thoughts, feelings, urges, images, and sensations that cause significant anxiety. People with OCD respond to these obsessions with compulsions—repetitive behaviors or mental acts meant to neutralize the upsetting thought, or prevent a bad outcome from happening.
While obsessive love disorder and OCD aren’t the same, themes of love and relationships can appear in OCD, particularly in a subtype called relationship OCD (ROCD). ROCD involves intrusive thoughts and compulsions focused on romantic relationships that cause intense anxiety. To manage this distress, someone with ROCD may perform compulsions like seeking constant reassurance, mentally reviewing their relationship, or constantly checking their partner’s location.
Unlike the behaviors associated with obsessive love disorder, ROCD isn’t about intense admiration or possessiveness; OCD is a cycle of doubt and discomfort. If you have OCD, you get no satisfaction, enjoyment, or pleasure from your compulsive behavior. Instead, these rituals are exhausting and frustrating. In contrast, obsessive love disorder is often used to describe intense passion, admiration, or fascination.
It’s important to note that it can be harmful to use the term “obsessive” casually, as it can minimize the very real experience of living with OCD, or reinforce negative stereotypes. According to Patrick McGrath, PhD, Chief Clinical Officer at NOCD, terms like “obsessive love disorder” can create confusion. “People think, ‘people with OCD are stalkers. They’re obsessed,’” he says. “But, people with OCD are often pretty self-aware. Not one person who actually has OCD would ever say to you in the midst of a compulsion, ‘I’m really enjoying this.’”
Treatment options
If you think you may be exhibiting signs of what feels like obsessive love disorder, it’s important to investigate whether you may be experiencing another mental health condition—such delusional disorder, or OCD.
Delusional disorders such as erotomania often require clinical intervention, including therapy and medication, to manage symptoms and address underlying beliefs.
OCD is best addressed through exposure and response prevention (ERP) therapy, a form of cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) designed to help you confront your anxieties without resorting to compulsive behaviors like checking or reassurance-seeking. An ERP therapist can help you gradually face your distressing thoughts over time, while helping you resist the urge to engage in compulsions. By learning to sit with your intrusive triggers and the resulting negative emotions, rather than immediately reacting to them, you can break the OCD symptom cycle and gain real relief from your obsessions.
If you suspect your behaviors may be a result of attachment issues or past relationships, it can also be helpful to seek support from a mental health professional. Talk therapy can help you explore how your past experiences may be informing your current thought patterns and behaviors.
Bottom line
When feelings in relationships get intense, it’s easy to feel overwhelmed or wonder if something’s wrong. Terms like “obsessive love disorder” can seem relatable, but understanding the real difference between everyday relationship concerns and actual mental health conditions like OCD is important.
If relationship fears are taking a toll on your mental health, know that support is out there. An ERP therapist can help you address OCD symptoms, while other forms of therapy can support issues related to attachment disorders and delusions.
Remember, you’re not alone in this. With the right help, you can build a path toward happier, healthier relationships.