What is obsessive love disorder?

Love can feel powerful and all-consuming, especially in the early stages of a relationship. Sometimes those earlier moments can be thrilling and a lot of fun—feelings we try to recreate and chase later on in our relationships. But sometimes, these feelings can start to be more intense than usual, like they’re taking up a little too much space in your mind. 

When love begins to feel more like something you need to control, or even possess, it may be less about a genuine connection and more about a constant urge to keep the other person close. Instead of being comforting, your love can start to feel uneasy, maybe even obsessive, as if your sense of security is tied to your partner’s every action.

When love turns into a pattern of control and need, it can deeply affect both your well-being and your relationship. In this article, we’ll discuss the concept of obsessive love disorder and the behaviors and underlying issues that may be associated with it. 

Do I have obsessive love disorder?

Obsessive love disorder (OLD) is often used to describe an intense, overwhelming fixation on another person, typically romantic in nature. Someone who thinks they are experiencing OLD may feel a need to constantly be close to or control the other person, seeing them as essential to their own stability and happiness. This fixation can involve behaviors like frequent checking in, monitoring, or attempts to protect or possess the person, even if it crosses boundaries.

Though the term “obsessive love disorder” has become mainstream, it isn’t an official diagnosis in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5), a guide that is used to classify and diagnose mental health conditions. Instead, obsessive love disorder is often viewed as a term that encapsulates a set of behaviors indicating underlying issues. While you can’t technically be diagnosed with OLD, recognizing these signs is still valuable—they may signal that you could benefit from professional support.

It’s important to understand that obsessive love disorder isn’t a medically recognized condition, so it’s not widely known or used in clinical settings. In fact, it’s more of an online term than one used by mental health professionals, and mislabeling it “obsessive” can create misunderstandings about real obsessive disorders, like OCD.

Why? As Dr. Patrick McGrath, chief clinical officer at NOCD, likes to say, OLD is one of those things people find on Google instead of getting diagnosed by a professional. “There isn’t even an actual definition of obsessive love. This means that anybody might have shared their own idea of what this might mean,” he explains.

Dr. McGrath warns that if you turn to Google to find a label for your symptoms, “You’ll start looking at it and going, ‘Oh, maybe I’m this and maybe I’m that. Maybe it’s this.’ That’s not going to help.” The internet, while a great tool to help guide us towards solving our mental health challenges, can also provide us with false information or convince us we are experiencing something that is not true or accurate.

However, if you’ve looked up obsessive love disorder and feel like it may apply to you, recognizing these feelings is a good first step. Whether it’s rooted in attachment patterns, anxiety, or another mental health condition that can be addressed, acknowledging your emotions opens the door to finding the support you need. 

Conditions that may explain feelings of obsessive love

Even though obsessive love disorder isn’t a diagnosable mental health condition, there are certain conditions that can feel or be similar. These disorders may better describe the experiences you’re having, offering more insight into the patterns and behaviors that obsessive love disorder attempts to capture. 

Attachment Disorders

Attachment disorders, often rooted in childhood experiences, can impact how people form and maintain relationships in adulthood. Those with an insecure or anxious attachment style might feel an intense need to be close to others, sometimes leading to possessive or obsessive behaviors. In relationships, this can look like a constant need for reassurance, fear of abandonment, or an overwhelming preoccupation with your partner’s actions or whereabouts. 

Working on attachment issues with a therapist can help create healthier relationship patterns and more secure connections. Therapy often focuses on recognizing old, unhelpful patterns and understanding how past experiences shape our current relationships. Over time, this process can build emotional security, improve communication, and help you feel more balanced and confident in your relationships.

Delusional disorders

Delusional disorders involve persistent, false beliefs that aren’t rooted in reality and may center around relationships or love. For example, a person might believe that a partner is cheating or is deeply connected to someone else without any evidence, leading to obsessive thoughts and behaviors. This pattern of thinking causes distress both for the individual dealing with it and those around them. 

If you think you are living with a delusional disorder, you are not alone and there are ways to feel better. Recommended treatment usually includes therapy, and in some cases, medication, to help manage symptoms and address the underlying beliefs.

Erotomania

Erotomania is a rare delusional disorder where someone believes that another person, often a stranger or public figure, is in love with them. This can lead to persistent thoughts and actions involving the person they are obsessed with, and even attempts to connect or meet up with the person they believe loves them, despite a lack of real-life interactions or evidence. Erotomania often requires clinical intervention, including therapy and sometimes medication, to manage these delusional beliefs.

If you resonate with any of these descriptions, it might be helpful to talk with a mental health professional who can guide you through what you’re experiencing. While obsessive love disorder isn’t an official diagnosis, the feelings and behaviors tied to it are real and may point to deeper mental health challenges. Working with a therapist can help you better understand these emotions, build healthier relationship patterns, and find more balance.

Obsessive love disorder and OCD

Even though obsessive love disorder isn’t officially recognized, the term is often used to describe intense, controlling feelings that can feel all-consuming. But when we label these behaviors as “obsessive,” it can blur the line with obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD), a condition with very real and unique challenges. 

As Dr. Patrick McGrath explains, an obsession is “an image, an urge, or a thought that we may find to be unwanted, intrusive, or inappropriate, leading us to have a very uncomfortable experience like shame, guilt, disgust, dread, anxiety, or distress.”

A crucial difference between true OCD and something casually labeled as “obsessive” is that true obsessions are unwanted, distressing, and deeply uncomfortable. People with OCD don’t act on their compulsions for pleasure or satisfaction—they do it to seek temporary relief from overwhelming anxiety. There’s no sense of enjoyment in these rituals. Instead, they’re exhausting and frustrating. 

In contrast, behaviors labeled “obsessive” in cases like obsessive love disorder can feel like intense passion, admiration, or fascination, and might even be perceived as quirky or endearing. Recognizing this difference keeps these terms meaningful and respects what those with OCD truly experience.

The harm of mislabeling behaviors as obsessive

When we casually attach “obsession” to behaviors that don’t involve true compulsions, it can lead to harmful misconceptions about OCD. Dr. McGrath points out that terms like “obsessive love disorder” can create confusion. In OCD, even if a person experiences relationship-related obsessions, they often wonder things like, “Do I love this person enough?” 

However, Dr. McGrath observes that obsessive love disorder feels more like, “I love them. They belong to me. They’re mine,” which can have “almost a narcissistic kind of feel.” This is a very different experience from OCD, where individuals typically don’t experience joy or satisfaction from their obsessions.

Misusing terms like “obsession” can also reinforce stereotypes. Dr. McGrath warns, “People think, ‘Oh, people with OCD are like stalkers. They’re obsessed. They love this person so much. Their compulsion is to make sure that [the person is] not online talking to somebody else’.” But, he clarifies, that’s not OCD: “Not one person who actually has OCD who’s doing a compulsion would ever say to you in the midst of the compulsion, ‘I’m really enjoying this. This is really fun.’” 

Mislabeling behaviors in this way risks making OCD seem trivial or even like a personality quirk, instead of the truly distressing condition it is.

Do themes of love show up in OCD?

While obsessive love disorder and OCD aren’t the same, themes of love and relationships can appear in OCD, particularly in a subtype called relationship OCD (ROCD). ROCD involves intrusive thoughts and compulsions focused on romantic relationships. People with ROCD often experience unsettling doubts like, “Do I really love my partner?” or “Am I doing everything I can to make sure my partner is safe?” These thoughts are intrusive and bring up intense anxiety. To manage this distress, someone with ROCD may perform compulsions like seeking constant reassurance, mentally reviewing their relationship, and constantly checking their partner’s location, aiming to relieve the distress of their intrusive thoughts.

Unlike obsessive love disorder, ROCD isn’t about intense admiration or possessiveness—it’s a cycle of doubt and discomfort. If you’re dealing with symptoms of ROCD, seeking professional help can guide you to gain back control. The most effective treatment, exposure and response prevention (ERP) therapy, involves working with a therapist to gradually face these distressing thoughts in a safe way. Over time, ERP helps you manage the anxiety without compulsions, empowering you to feel in control without OCD’s interference.

Bottom line

When feelings in relationships get intense, it’s easy to feel overwhelmed or wonder if something’s wrong. Terms like “obsessive love disorder” can seem relatable, but understanding the real difference between everyday relationship concerns and actual mental health conditions like OCD is important. For those with true OCD, the thoughts and compulsions are distressing and unwanted—they’re not about passion or admiration.

If relationship fears are taking a toll on your mental health, know that support is out there. Relationship OCD (ROCD) and other OCD types respond well to ERP therapy, which helps you face and handle these thoughts without needing to act on them. Many people find real freedom through ERP, regaining confidence and control over their lives and relationships. 

If you don’t have OCD but are dealing with obsessive feelings related to love or your partner, you should still reach out to a therapist. They can help you pinpoint what is going on and come up with a treatment plan that is specialized just for you.

Remember, you’re not alone in this. With the right help, you can build clarity, peace, and a path towards happier, healthier relationships.