“Micro-cheating” is a term used to describe a breach in trust in a relationship. However, unlike the traditional definition of cheating, micro-cheating doesn’t cross the line into a physical affair. Instead, the term is used for smaller actions or behaviors that can negatively affect a relationship—whether that’s commenting on someone’s Instagram post, sending flirty texts, or lying about your relationship status online. While these actions may not be as overtly damaging as full-blown cheating, they can still create emotional distance, stir up insecurity, and, over time, chip away at trust in the relationship.
With social media and messaging apps, it’s easier than ever to engage with people outside your relationship in ways that might be considered harmless. This is why micro-cheating can be so tricky—it doesn’t involve dramatic, overt acts of infidelity, yet it can still lead to feelings of hurt, confusion, and distrust.
“Cheating is decided by a set of rules and agreements between partners,” says NOCD therapist Tracie Ibrahim, MA, LMFT, CST. “Those rules and agreements are different between relationships. People need clear and honest communication of what they expect and what they do not want.”
In this article, we’ll look at signs of micro-cheating, its impact on relationships, and when concerns in your relationship may be a sign of something more—such as relationship OCD (ROCD), a subtype of obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD).
What is micro-cheating?
Micro-cheating isn’t a clinical term, it’s used to refer to actions and behaviors that can negatively impact a relationship by making you question your partner’s commitment to you. These actions might occur through social media, also known as online infidelity, or in person.
Micro-cheating doesn’t have to involve physical intimacy like sex. However, it can include engaging in intimate or flirtatious conversations, such as discussing sex or personal matters with someone outside the relationship.
It’s important to note that people have different perceptions of what they consider cheating, regardless of what kind of relationship they are in. What one partner considers a harmless interaction might feel like a betrayal to the other. That’s why open and honest communication about boundaries and expectations is essential for ensuring both partners feel respected and secure in the relationship.
Micro-cheating examples
It can be tricky to identify what is considered micro-cheating since different people have varying boundaries and expectations in relationships. Although the definition of micro-cheating is subjective, here are some examples that can give you an idea of what micro-cheating looks like:
- If you or your partner doesn’t make it clear to other people that you are in an exclusive relationship.
- If you or your partner encourages sexual advances from other people, either in person or online.
- If you or your partner is secretly messaging or communicating with someone romantically.
- If you or your partner maintains active profiles on dating apps.
- If you or your partner is emotionally involved with an ex.
Again, these examples may or may not constitute cheating in your own relationship. That’s why it’s crucial for both partners to openly communicate their feelings and expectations about what is acceptable behavior within the relationship.
How to deal with micro-cheating
Establishing healthy boundaries in a relationship means clearly explaining what you’re comfortable with physically, emotionally, sexually, and financially. Healthy boundaries are not about controlling behaviors or trying to dictate what your partner does or doesn’t do. Instead, they focus on mutual respect, trust, and understanding.
For example, setting a boundary might mean asking your partner to not use dating apps while you’re in a relationship, or wanting your partner to tell other people that they are in a committed relationship. It’s also important to recognize that boundaries aren’t static; they may evolve over time as the relationship deepens or as each partner’s needs change.
If you’re finding it difficult to navigate challenges in your relationship, talking to an expert may be beneficial. “In my opinion, the first time someone cheats is the best time to seek couple’s counseling,” Ibrahim says. Here you can learn healthier communication patterns, and gain a deeper understanding of each other’s needs. Even if infidelity or micro-cheating isn’t the main issue, counseling can still be a valuable resource for couples facing challenges around trust and communication.
Micro-cheating and ROCD
It’s normal to have concerns about your relationship, including occasional insecurities and doubts. However, if you find that these feelings are overwhelming and lead you to engage in repetitive behaviors—such as checking your partner’s phone or seeking constant reassurance—just to ease your anxiety, you might be experiencing relationship OCD (ROCD).
ROCD is a subtype of obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) that involves intrusive thoughts and compulsive actions focused on relationships. Someone with ROCD experiences obsessions, or recurrent and intrusive thoughts, urges, feelings, sensations, or images.
You may have these thoughts about micro-cheating in your relationship or partner:
- “I’ve been texting an old friend a lot lately. Does this mean I’m micro-cheating?”
- “My partner complimented someone else. Is this inappropriate?”
- “I find someone at my job attractive. Does this mean I’m micro-cheating on my partner?”
- “My partner spoke to their ex today. Is this micro-cheating?”
- I had a sexual dream about a friend. Is that micro-cheating?
- I’m friends with my exes on social media. Does that count as micro-cheating?
In response to the anxiety that these obsessions cause, someone with OCD does compulsions to neutralize their thoughts or lessen the distress they feel. Compulsions may look like:
- Confessing instances you think could be micro-cheating.
- Researching micro-cheating to see if your actions qualify.
- Checking your partner’s phone or reading their emails.
- Asking your partner for reassurance about your relationship or their love.
- Replaying past experiences in your head to make sure you didn’t accidentally micro-cheat on your partner.
- Avoiding people you find attractive to ensure you’re not micro-cheating on your partner.
Generally, someone with ROCD may have fears that they may be cheating on their partner, and vice-versa, even if there’s no evidence of doing so, Ibrahim says. “Over-thinking, over-analyzing, ruminating, researching online, are usually the reasons for it.”
The best treatment option for ROCD
You may find that your anxiety temporarily goes away when you perform a compulsion—like going through your partner’s texts. These behaviors may feel like they provide relief in the moment, but they actually work against you in the long run.
Instead of following through with these compulsions, evidence and response-prevention (ERP) therapy works to break that cycle by sitting with the discomfort that your intrusive thoughts cause.
For example, if your compulsion is to check your partner’s phone for reassurance that they aren’t cheating, instead, you’ll challenge yourself to sit with the discomfort of uncertainty. You’ll allow yourself to accept the possibility that your partner could be talking to someone else, but also choose to trust them without the need to check.
During ERP, you’ll work alongside a trained therapist who will slowly expose you to what triggers your obsessions. Over time, these exposures will become more intense and challenging, helping you build resilience and reduce the anxiety associated with the triggers. The goal is to gradually teach your brain that it can tolerate uncertainty without needing to engage in compulsive behaviors.
“ERP is the gold standard treatment for OCD because it addresses the obsessional fears and helps us learn how to manage through them using response prevention techniques, and learning to live in the present moment,” Ibrahim says.
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Bottom Line
It’s normal to have concerns about your relationship, especially when navigating challenges like trust, communication, or emotional needs. Micro-cheating may make these concerns feel even more amplified, as small actions or behaviors—like flirtatious interactions or secretive social media activity—can stir up feelings of insecurity or doubt. As a result, it’s important to have open communication and healthy boundaries within your relationship.
However, if you still have concerns about cheating despite any evidence of actual infidelity, it may be a sign that something deeper is at play. ROCD can cause you to fixate on doubts, insecurities, and fears about your partner or relationship, leading to constant questioning and emotional distress. A therapist who specializes in ERP can work with you to address your relationship obsessions so you can break the cycle of OCD.
Key Takeaways
- Micro-cheating is a term used to describe small acts that are not explicitly defined as cheating, but can still negatively impact a relationship. These acts and behaviors are subjective to a relationship.
- Having concerns about your relationship is normal. However, if you find yourself having recurrent intrusive thoughts and repetitive behaviors to decrease anxiety—you may be experiencing relationship OCD (ROCD).
- Generally, dealing with micro-cheating in a relationship can look like establishing healthy boundaries and being open to communication. For someone with ROCD, exposure and response-prevention (ERP) therapy can be helpful in breaking the cycle of OCD by sitting with the uncertainty that comes with being in a relationship.