Self blame: Why do I blame myself for everything?

We all blame ourselves from time to time; it’s part of being human. Maybe you think back to a tough moment and wonder: What if I had done things differently? In small doses, this kind of self-reflection can even be helpful—a sign of humility that can guide you to grow or make better choices.

But when self-blame becomes a constant voice in your head, it’s a different story. Carrying the weight of feeling responsible for everything—whether or not it’s really your fault—can be exhausting and isolating. It can also rob you of motivation and put you in a state of paralysis: i.e. I can’t do anything right, so why do anything at all?

If this feels familiar, know that you’re not alone, and there’s hope. In this article, we’ll take a closer look at why self-blame shows up, why it’s so hard to let go of, and, most importantly, how to move away from self-criticism and toward self-compassion and freedom.

Why do I always blame myself?

Blaming ourselves is something that comes naturally to many of us, even when it’s not warranted. As Dr. Patrick McGrath, Chief Clinical Officer at NOCD, explains, “people are always able to find a fault in themselves if they look hard enough.” In fact, it often feels much easier to “take the blame” when trying to make sense of something that went wrong than to examine external factors.

But why are we so comfortable taking on blame that isn’t ours to carry? Dr. McGrath points to a couple of underlying causes:

• Fear of blaming others: “Some people might be afraid of blaming other people, so they’ll always take on the blame themselves,” says Dr. McGrath. For some, holding another person accountable can feel overwhelming or even risky—especially if it might lead to conflict or discomfort. In this case, self-blame stems from a desire to avoid confrontation or maintain peace, even if it means being unfair to yourself.

• Fear of losing control: When something goes wrong, you may automatically think, If only I had handled things differently, this wouldn’t have happened. Sometimes this type of thinking is a coping mechanism for what cannot be controlled. As Dr. McGrath explains: “If you start to blame external things, the world seems pretty chaotic.” In other words, self-blame can create an illusion of control, making the unpredictable feel more manageable, even though it places an unfair burden on yourself.

• Over-responsibility: “Some people have an over-responsibility issue where they think they are always responsible for everything,” explains Dr. McGrath. For example, they think “they should have known something; they should have predicted something—and so when something goes wrong, it’s always, always, always their fault,” he adds. Even in situations where they have no direct involvement, people with over-responsibility might think, I should have warned someone, or I should have done something to stop this.

Common ways people blame themselves

Self-blame can manifest differently for everyone. Here are some examples:

• Blaming yourself for how others feel: You might feel responsible for someone else’s emotions, believing that if they’re upset, it must be because of something you did. As Dr. McGrath explains, this tendency can stem from an over-responsibility mindset.

• Taking responsibility for things outside your control: Whether it’s a failed group project at work or a family argument, you may feel like it’s your fault—even when the outcome wasn’t entirely within your power. This is particularly common for those with anxiety or obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), as these conditions can amplify feelings of responsibility and blame.

In fact, over-responsibility is often a core symptom of OCD. For example, some people with the condition feel responsible for potentially harming others with their actions—every meal they serve their family, for instance, is a chance to unknowingly contaminate a loved one with food poisoning. 

• Believing you should have predicted the future: We can’t see into the future, but some people blame themselves for unforeseen events anyway—as if there’s a crystal ball that should be able to tell them what lies ahead. They tend to say things like “I should have known better” or “I should have been able to see that this was going to happen.” For example, a parent might blame themselves for their child getting sick, thinking, If only I had caught the symptoms earlier, this could have been avoided. 

• Labeling mistakes as personal failures: Instead of seeing a mistake as part of being human, you might internalize it as a reflection of your worth or capability. This tendency can leave you stuck in a loop of guilt, shame, and self-doubt.
  

Self blame and mental health conditions

Self-blame is something anyone can fall back on, especially when trying to make sense of difficult situations, but certain mental health conditions can make it feel even more unavoidable. As mentioned, anxiety and OCD can be linked to self-blame, as can trauma-related disorders like post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). These conditions often magnify feelings of guilt and over-responsibility, leaving people to carry the weight of blame for things that aren’t fully—or even remotely—their fault. Let’s take a closer look at how this happens.

Anxiety

Anxiety is a mental health condition that affects many people, often causing persistent feelings of worry or fear. These emotions can lead to overthinking or second-guessing your actions. At its core, anxiety involves the constant anticipation of potential threats or worst-case scenarios, which can make self-blame a frequent and exhausting pattern.

Dr. McGrath explains how anxiety can fuel self-blame: “If something happened at one point and you felt that you could have avoided it, had you worried about it ‘enough’ or prepared for it, now you could blame yourself for that.” 

Likewise, someone with social anxiety might replay a conversation repeatedly, blaming themselves for imagined missteps or awkward moments. Even when there’s no evidence that they offended someone, anxious thoughts can create a narrative where everything you do or say is wrong.

Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD)

OCD is a chronic mental health condition that involves intrusive, unwanted thoughts, images, sensations, or urges—known as obsessions—that can create intense anxiety or distress. To cope with these feelings, people with OCD often turn to compulsions, which are repetitive behaviors or mental rituals aimed at easing the discomfort.

For many people with OCD, self-blame is a frequent experience, as the condition often drives feelings of over-responsibility and guilt, even for things beyond their control.

Of course, the exact source of self-blame depends on one’s individual obsessions or OCD subtype. Take, for example, scrupulosity (religious) OCD—a subtype characterized by fear and obsessions about moral or religious issues. Dr. McGrath describes how someone with this type of OCD might blame themselves for not saying a prayer correctly, believing that this mistake could result in eternal punishment. He explains, “If you don’t say a prayer the right way, you may believe that you’ll go to hell for eternity. You think it’s nothing but your fault because you could have said that prayer right that day, but you convince yourself you chose not to.” This intense guilt can lead to compulsions such as repeatedly saying prayers or performing other rituals to “undo” the perceived mistake.

PTSD and trauma related disorders

Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is a mental health condition that develops in response to experiencing or witnessing a traumatic event. People with PTSD often relive their trauma through flashbacks, intrusive thoughts, or nightmares. Alongside these symptoms, self-blame can be a pervasive challenge, making it even harder to heal.

Dr. McGrath describes how this can manifest in trauma survivors. “If somebody was assaulted, they might say, ‘I shouldn’t have been walking down that street that late at night,’ or ‘I should have trusted the feeling in my gut.’” Survivors often feel they should have predicted or avoided the event, even when they couldn’t have reasonably done so. This misplaced blame becomes a heavy burden, adding guilt to an already painful experience.

Recognizing that self-blame is a common response to trauma—and not an accurate reflection of what happened—can be a vital part of healing. 

How to stop blaming yourself

Blaming yourself can feel like a natural, automatic reaction, but there are ways to challenge this habit. 

Dr. McGrath shares a simple but effective strategy. He suggests asking yourself, If my best friend were in this situation, would I hold them accountable in the same way I’m blaming myself? By extending the same empathy to yourself that you’d offer a loved one, you can begin to shift away from self-blame. “We know that to motivate other people, we build them up,” Dr. McGrath explains. “But when it comes to ourselves, we remind ourselves of every mistake we’ve made, thinking it will help us behave better. It doesn’t—but it’s what happens.”

Here are six for developing a more self-forgiving mindset:

• Show yourself compassion: Accept that mistakes are part of life and don’t define your worth.
  
• Reframe your inner dialogue: Write down self-critical thoughts and actively challenge them by considering more reasonable interpretations.
  
• Focus on actions, not outcomes: Concentrate on what you can do differently in the future instead of punishing yourself for the past.
  
• Stay present: Engage in mindfulness exercises, like breathing techniques or grounding, to prevent overanalyzing past events.
  
• Release perfectionism: Let go of the unrealistic expectation that you need to control every outcome or anticipate every challenge.
  
• Connect with someone you trust: Talking things through with a friend, family member, or therapist can provide a fresh perspective and emotional support.

Moving forward if you have a mental health condition

Letting go of self-blame takes patience, but even small shifts in how you approach these thoughts can create meaningful change. That said, if self-blame stems from mental health conditions like anxiety, OCD, or PTSD, it’s important to know that professional treatment is key. The good news is that there are clinically proven ways to find relief.

One highly effective treatment, especially for anxiety and OCD, is Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP) therapy. ERP was specifically created for OCD and helps people gradually face their fears or obsessions without performing compulsions to neutralize the discomfort. 

Dr. McGrath explains how ERP can help address self-blame. “One of the things that we can do in ERP work is a loop tape. I might have somebody listen to a loop of all the things they blame themselves for, playing it over and over until it just becomes background noise.” This approach helps individuals disengage from the self-blame cycle and realize they don’t have to internalize those thoughts or emotions.

ERP not only helps reduce feelings of self-blame but also equips people with the tools they need to face other difficult emotions without resorting to their usual coping mechanisms. 

For trauma-related disorders like PTSD, Prolonged Exposure (PE) therapy is another effective option. Similar to ERP, PE involves gradually confronting distressing memories or triggers, but it places a stronger emphasis on prolonged and repeated exposure to the trauma narrative itself. This allows individuals to process their experiences in a controlled environment, helping them reduce the emotional intensity tied to their memories over time.

While ERP often focuses on reducing compulsive behaviors, PE is specifically designed to help people reframe their relationship with trauma and regain a sense of safety. By working through their trauma in a supportive setting, individuals can begin to let go of self-blame and improve their confidence and well-being.

Bottom line

Many factors can make us prone to self-blame, a habit that can lead to low self-esteem, chronic self-doubt, and even unbalanced relationships. By getting to the root of your self-blame, you can start to release the heavy burden of this tendency, and embrace a lighter, freer version of yourself.