Nicole Rafiee, 25, has struggled with her mental health for as long as she can remember—often attributing her anxiety to high-stress events, such as her mom’s cancer diagnosis and the COVID-19 lockdown in her home city of Philadelphia. It wasn’t until years later that she learned that her anxiety was rooted in something deeper: obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD). She’d struggled with intrusive thoughts and compulsive behaviors since childhood, but she didn’t have a name for it.
Now, Nicole’s YouTube channel has become a space to openly share her experiences with OCD and educate her audience of over a million subscribers on the complexities of this misunderstood condition.
I sat down with Nicole to learn more about her journey with OCD and its evolving themes, including contamination OCD, “just right” OCD, and intense fears about pregnancy. As a powerful advocate for mental health awareness, Nicole is hoping to shift the narrative around living with OCD and normalize uncomfortable conversations about mental health.
The following Q&A includes some language that may not be appropriate for all readers.
What specific themes were you experiencing throughout the years?
At first, it was mostly harm OCD, where I thought I would somehow get the people around me sick or hurt. It stemmed into fears about contaminated food, and then contamination in general. I think that was a very big theme for a lot of people, especially during the pandemic. But “just right” OCD was the basis for everything at the end of the day.
Was there any specific obsession or other OCD symptom that felt especially difficult to share with people?
The most difficult thing to share was actually one of the biggest obsessions that I’ve ever had. I was constantly paranoid that I was pregnant and didn’t know it. I had thoughts like, What if I’m 8 months pregnant and I have no idea? Then I would go on Reddit OCD forums where I found people talking about pregnancy and missed periods. I would list out all my symptoms in posts and ask, Do you think I’m pregnant? I was constantly looking for reassurance.
When did you initially share your OCD diagnosis and decide to start incorporating OCD into your YouTube videos?
Earlier in 2022, I decided that there’s no way in hell that I’m ever gonna talk about OCD on social media. I shared this with my boyfriend and my family, and they all agreed that this was something personal to me.
But my content at the time was very lifestyle and personality-based—I was being completely open about the other parts of my life. And I discovered that when I was going through rough times with OCD, people could tell. Some of the comments on videos before I opened up about OCD were like, “She’s not doing well. What the fuck is going on?”
So I realized, like, there’s clearly an elephant in the room. People could see that something was going on, and I wasn’t talking about it. So I decided that even though it would be difficult, I needed to open up.
My first video talking about OCD was of me sitting in my car where I went to a crystal store. I thought I needed to buy crystals—that it was the only thing that was gonna make me feel better. Due to OCD, I was deep into magical thinking, and I was hoping that spirituality and crystals would help me.
I don’t think I was the best representation for others with OCD because I didn’t even fully understand it at the time—certainly not the way I do now. But that was the first time that I decided to share anything about it at all, and it changed everything.
What ultimately helped you to push through your fear and share more about OCD with your community?
It wasn’t until after I uploaded it, and so many people were so supportive and kind in the comments. That’s when I started to feel better about opening up. But it was definitely nerve-wracking. At first, I never gave examples of themes that I was struggling with. I never opened up about my pregnancy fears because I thought it was so embarrassing. I was so ashamed and I was scared that people were gonna use it against me—so I kinda kept that a secret even longer.
When I finally shared specific themes, I felt a huge relief because of the overwhelming number of people that were like, “I have this too.” I didn’t think that anybody had ever experienced similar themes.
What was that initial feeling of sharing your experience for the first time on a public platform? Was it scary? Was it relieving?
I was really scared when it came time to post. I remember I had the worst anxiety uploading it, my stomach hurt so bad, and I was like, “I made a mistake.” And I never feel that way about uploading other kinds of videos.
I watched a YouTube video of yours, “OCD symptoms i thought were personality traits lol,” where you talked about potentially getting a hysterectomy (a procedure that involves removing reproductive organs like the uterus and sometimes the ovaries). Can you talk a little bit more about how this idea came up, and what role mental health plays in decisions like these?
I was looking for a way out so that I wouldn’t feel this way again. When it comes to OCD, you just search for any possible option to never feel terrible again.
So at one point, I really thought that getting a hysterectomy, being infertile, and not having the possibility of having children—would that finally make me feel okay? I thought, Maybe these OCD pregnancy thoughts will go away.
I have a history of reproductive health issues in my family, and hysterectomies are a procedure that my mother and my grandmother had to get. So at the end of the day, there is a possibility that one day I might have to get a hysterectomy.
With my ERP therapist, we said that the procedure is not an option that I’m going to go through with because that is literally putting a band-aid over the problem. Because who’s to say that I get a hysterectomy, and then literally a few weeks later, I suddenly think, What if I am pregnant?
Getting rid of the actual organ is not gonna make pregnancy thoughts go away because we already know that OCD thoughts are not realistic or logical. Once I got that through my mind, I decided that a hysterectomy was not the answer or the solution.
I just had to deal with it head on and be like, I’m gonna keep my uterus! I’m gonna keep everything within me, and I just have to deal with the possibility that maybe I am pregnant. That was ultimately the only way I was able to get through OCD: sitting with uncertainty like I was taught in ERP—the proper way—rather than trying to get rid of an organ.
That’s such a great topic to get into. What does exposure and response prevention (ERP) look like for you?
ERP was a lot of exposure work to face my fears and sit with uncertainty. I would go on websites to look at baby clothes, or make a baby shower registry. Sometimes I would write my fears and worries down: Maybe I am pregnant. I am pregnant for 8 months. I’m gonna have a baby, and I’m gonna regret it. I am gonna have a baby, and I’m gonna hate it. I’m gonna hate being a mother. I was writing out all of my exposures, repeating, and reading them throughout the day. Those were the very big ones.
Then there’s the “response prevention” part. I had to restrict myself by not allowing myself to take pregnancy tests anymore for reassurance, and taking one only if I actually missed my period. It was a lot of changing my routine and reducing checking, specifically checking my body. I was constantly looking to see if I was showing physical signs that I was pregnant. So, ERP meant a lot less checking in mirrors for about two and a half years.
Today, I don’t worry about it anymore—it has gotten so much better. Before, in 2020 and 2021, it was the only thing that I thought and talked about.
Have you seen a shift in the way people talk about mental health, especially OCD, since you first started sharing your story?
I think definitely, especially with OCD, I feel like there’s been such a big change. Before these shared communities like NOCD, people had a really stigmatized idea of what OCD looks like, and I can’t blame them—that’s just how it’s portrayed in the media.
I’ve been online and watching content creators for as long as I can remember, and I feel like the way that we talk about mental health has shifted, especially when it comes to OCD. It’s only gotten better, especially in the last year or two. There are a lot of really supportive comments. I’m so pleasantly surprised with how kind and understanding everybody is—people of all different age ranges.
It just goes to show how many people are really struggling with OCD behind closed doors, and you may never know about it because they don’t feel comfortable talking about it—unless they have somebody else they can relate to.
You’re hosting a short video series on our YouTube channel! What can viewers expect? Can you give us a teaser and a reason why people should tune in?
In the first video, we talked about change, which is very relevant for me because I did just move and moving is such a stressful time for anybody. A few months ago, I talked with some of the girls who have worked with NOCD, like Sam Temple. We were talking about how we were all moving, and that we were really worried about our OCD flaring up because it’s such a stressful time. We knew it was bound to happen again and thought about how we might fall back into a low place.
I talk about how hopeful I felt that my OCD would be manageable, even if it was a really rough time. Generally, I talk about my anxiety, moving cities, changing things, lifestyle changes, and how that can affect you. I also emphasize and focus on physical health. OCD can become so much worse if you don’t get eight hours of sleep, and how much of a difference exercise and eating well can make. I need to be fueling my body so that my brain can perform optimally, and I can keep from falling back into a low point with OCD.
In the first video of Nicole Rafiee’s ongoing series with NOCD, she candidly discusses her experience with OCD, including how stressors like moving and life changes can trigger flare-ups. Keep up with our continued collaboration on NOCD’s YouTube channel.