Many of us have habits that are counterproductive—whether it comes to our work, our relationships, or personal goals that we’ve established for ourselves. Occasionally operating in a way that runs counter to what we really want is a normal part of being human. That said, for some people, self-sabotage is a recurring issue that stands in the way of living productive and happy lives.
Let’s take a look at what self-sabotage really is, the different ways it can manifest, and how to break the pattern.
What is self-sabotage?
“Self-sabotage is when someone either intentionally or unintentionally behaves in a way that gets in the way of their goals, progress, or success in one or more areas of their life,” says Tracie Ibrahim, LMFT, CST, and Chief Compliance Officer at NOCD. “These behaviors end up leading to obstacles being put in the way of being able to achieve their desired outcomes.”
Maybe you decide that you won’t start a project because you fear that you’ll make a mistake. Or, you procrastinate on important tasks because you’re overwhelmed by the fear that the final result won’t be “perfect.” You might push away people who genuinely care about you, sabotaging your personal relationships because you’re afraid to get too close to someone and risk getting hurt.
What causes self-sabotage?
There are many reasons people self-sabotage, and it’s important to understand the underlying cause that’s driving the pattern for you. Here are some possible explanations:
- Fear of success: While success is generally viewed as desirable, some people see success as something that comes with pressure to perform or other potential consequences that they seek to avoid. The responsibilities or external expectations that accompany success can be overwhelming, so people may sabotage to prevent being successful.
- Fear of failure or rejection: “If I don’t try, then I can’t fail.” This thought is at the core of why some people self-sabotage due to a fear of failure or rejection. It can stem from a belief that failure will lead to negative consequences—whether it’s judgment from others or feelings of inadequacy.
- Imposter syndrome: You have an idea—to do something or pursue something—and then suddenly tell yourself all the reasons you should hold back because you’re “not good enough”. You may believe that, sooner or later, people will realize that you’re not cut out for what you’re going after. This is how imposter syndrome keeps some people stuck in a pattern of self-sabotage.
- Low self-esteem: People with low self-esteem may be more prone to self-sabotage because they inherently don’t believe in their own abilities or potential.
- Perfectionism: Perfectionism is often the result of anxiety or self-esteem issues, and it may stop you from starting projects or making decisions due to the fear of making mistakes or not being the best.
- Fear of uncertainty: When you struggle with uncertainty, you may find it difficult to take action or make decisions, simply because the outcome is unknown. This fear can cause you to overthink situations or avoid opportunities that might lead to growth or change.
Signs of self-sabotage
Being able to spot signs of self-sabotage can be a helpful first step in addressing the pattern. Here are some of the ways self-sabotage shows up:
- Procrastination: You may struggle to start tasks or projects, often putting them off until the last minute or avoiding them entirely.
- Negative self-talk: These are thoughts like, “I’m not good enough,” or “I’ll never succeed,” that belittle your abilities.
- Avoidance: You might avoid starting a project because you’re afraid it won’t meet your unrealistic standards, or spend excessive time making small adjustments instead of finishing tasks.
- Feelings of regret: You may be constantly dwelling on the past, going over mistakes and what you could have done differently. This may prevent you from starting new tasks or activities.
- Refusing to ask for help: You may resist seeking support, believing that you should handle everything on your own or maintaining that asking for help makes you appear weak.
- Setting unrealistic goals: You may be setting yourself up for failure by creating goals that are unattainable, causing you to become discouraged to even start tasks.
- Isolation: You may avoid social situations or networking opportunities because you fear that putting yourself in social environments makes you open to rejection.
Could self-sabotage be connected to a mental health issue?
Sometimes. For instance, a central feature of depression includes excessive negative self-talk. If you’re constantly telling yourself things like “I can never do things right so I won’t bother,” that can certainly become self-sabotaging over time. Likewise, anxiety disorders such as generalized anxiety disorder (GAD) can fuel self-sabotage; persistent worry, overthinking, and fear of judgment or failure can make it harder to go “all in” on a goal.
Then there’s obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD)—a mental health disorder in which people have frequent unwanted thoughts (obsessions) that cause them to perform repetitive behaviors (compulsions). “Some of the compulsions involved in the disorder may end up having a self-sabotaging effect,” Ibrahim says.
Take, for example, just right or perfectionism OCD—a subtype of OCD that has to do with having things “just right” or perfect. People with this subtype often believe that if the outcome can’t be perfect, it’s not worth attempting at all. Here’s a look at how it can play out:
Obsessions related to just right or perfectionism OCD:
- A constant need for things to be “just right”
- Fears that a mistake could lead to severe consequences
- Constant doubts about whether something has been done properly
- Constantly setting unattainable standards
Compulsions related to just right or perfectionism OCD:
- Repeatedly checking your work, even when it’s already completed, to confirm that there are no mistakes
- Redoing steps in a project or task because they weren’t doing “perfectly”
- Seeking reassurance from others to confirm that your work or actions are “flawless”
- Avoiding certain tasks or projects entirely to prevent the possibility of a mistake or failure
- Spending excessive time on decision-making, overthinking every option to ensure that the “right” decision is made
Relationship OCD (ROCD) is another subtype of OCD that can commonly involve self-sabotage as it often centers around obsessive self-doubt about the relationship. “If someone has a strong fear of rejection, maybe from past relationship experiences, they may unintentionally sabotage by pushing their partner away from them, causing a break-up,” Ibrahim says. “Subconsciously, maladaptive, self-sabotaging behaviors may serve the purpose of forcing the feared outcome of abandonment.”
Obsessions related to ROCD:
- Questioning the love you have for your partner
- Comparing your relationship to other ones
- Focusing on small problems within your relationship
Compulsions related to ROCD:
- Checking for “signs” that you’re attracted to your partner, or vice versa
- Repeatedly asking your partner for reassurance about their love for you
- Avoiding certain relationship milestones to protect yourself from getting hurt
- “Testing” your partner by openly flirting with others
How to stop self-sabotaging
Recognize that your self-sabotaging thoughts or behaviors are harmful, yet still find it difficult to stop? You’re not alone. The good news is that there is hope, and these tools can help:
1. Notice your patterns
Self-awareness is key. When you notice yourself in self-sabotaging mode—whether it’s through action or inaction—there’s usually a thought or a feeling that preceded it. For example, you might notice that you procrastinate when you’re feeling overwhelmed or stressed.
Try to observe your emotional or thinking state so you can get clear on what triggers self-sabotage. Then, you can work on changing the underlying thoughts that lead to the behavior.
2. Replace negative self-talk
If you find having thoughts like, “I can’t do this,” or “I’m not good enough,” recognizing these thoughts is the first step to shifting them. Small tweaks in the way you speak to yourself can make a big difference. For instance, you can tell yourself: “This feels difficult, but I can take small steps to move forward and I don’t have to be perfect.”
3. Seek professional help
If self-sabotage is linked to a mental health condition like depression, anxiety, or OCD, it’s important to seek support from a therapist. “Therapy could help you explore the root cause of your dysfunctional and unhelpful behaviors, and help you achieve success in the areas you want to improve,” Ibrahim says.
The important thing to know is that all mental health conditions don’t respond to the same form of treatment. For example, if OCD is contributing to your self-sabotage, the most effective treatment is exposure and response prevention (ERP) therapy. ERP is an evidence-based therapy created specifically to treat OCD.
If you have just right or perfectionism OCD, for example, an ERP therapist would help you confront the distressing feelings that you’ve associated with “imperfection.” This might look like intentionally leaving tasks incomplete or slightly imperfect. For example, you might leave an object out of place or not finish a task.
Over time, you can feel less distress about things not being perfect, so you don’t let the idea of imperfection stop you from living your life.
Key Takeaways
- Self-sabotage includes conscious and unconscious behaviors that interfere with your ability to succeed.
- Sometimes, self-sabotage may be related to an underlying mental health condition. For instance, in OCD, compulsive behaviors may be sabotaging what you desire in some way.
- It’s possible to overcome self-sabotaging tendencies, and sometimes professional treatment is key. That’s the case for OCD, where exposure and response prevention (ERP) is your best treatment option.