How to stop hyperfixating on a person: 5 best tips

“I have a crush on Alex. Initially, I enjoyed getting to know him, but as time went on, I couldn’t think about anything but Alex. I started checking his social media everyday looking at new likes, comments, and followers. I also daydream about Alex for hours a day, neglecting my personal responsibilities, like skipping my workouts and ignoring my other friendships—just to spend more time thinking about Alex or hanging out with him.”

This is just one example of what it can look like to hyperfixate on a person.

Hyperfixation describes an extreme absorption with anything—including, yes, another person. When you’re hyperfixated on someone, you have a sense of being all-consumed, and might not want to do or think about anything else. “When hyperfixating, all your energy and attention is going to that one thing,” says April Kilduff, MA, LCPC, LMHC, a licensed therapist and clinical trainer with NOCD.

Sometimes hyperfixation is a positive thing—like when you’re so immersed in a particular topic, special interest, or activity that gives you a feeling of joy and purpose and puts you into a flow state. But hyperfixation on a person can cross a threshold, leaving you vulnerable to stress, anxious thoughts, and an inability to focus on yourself or other important parts of your life.

Keep reading to find out the reasons you might be hyperfixated on a person, and find ways to restore balance and well-being. 

Reasons you may be hyperfixating on a person

There’s no one reason you’re hyperfixating on someone. It could be an attachment wound, a self-esteem issue, or just your predisposition when it comes to relationships. That said, there are certain factors and conditions that can make it more likely to become hyperfixated. Here are some possible explanations:

1. You’re experiencing limerence. 

Limerence can be thought of as an obsessive crush. Coined in 1979 by psychologist Dr. Dorothy Tennov, limerence is a term used to describe an obsessive attachment to a person—aka your “limerent object” (LO)—which interferes with daily functioning. Limerence is characterized by an intense romantic attraction to another person, often accompanied by an overwhelming desire for emotional connection. Unlike having a healthy crush, limerence is a state of being that involves intense, solitary fixations—meaning, it’s usually not reciprocated. This uncertainty over whether the object of your hyperfixation is interested in you is what keeps limerence alive. Limerence can leave you swinging back and forth from euphoric feelings (like when the possibility of a romantic connection feels alive) and despair (when rumination, obsessive thinking, and anxiety take hold). 

2. You have an OCD-related obsession.

Obsessions are one of the two key types of symptoms that characterize obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD). While OCD obsessions are technically distinct from hyperfixations, it is possible for them to occur simultaneously. People with Relationship OCD (ROCD) have obsessions related to their relationships. For example, they may have feelings for a partner but experience intrusive doubt-related thoughts about whether they’re in “the right relationship.” As a result, they may hyperfixate on a partner’s flaws, their appearance, or other aspects. If you have OCD, obsessions are followed by compulsions—repetitive behaviors or mental acts that are done in an attempt to neutralize your thoughts or ease discomfort. Compulsions include things like monitoring and checking your feelings (“Am I in love?”), comparing your relationship with other peoples’ relationships, and attempting to “correct” or “fix” your partner to conform to your obsessional need for things to be “just right.” 

3. You have ADHD.

Contrary to the assumption that people with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) are always unfocused and prone to inattention, some people with ADHD go into intense states of hyperfixation, or complete absorption to a point where they tune out everything else. For some, ADHD can affect the way they feel attraction and make regulating emotions more difficult. They may be especially attentive and hyperfixated on a person during the beginning stages of a relationship. However, people with ADHD can also lose interest just as quickly and move on to a new hyperfixation when the initial absorption with someone fades.

How to stop hyperfixating on a person

Here are 5 tips for achieving healthier balance in your life.

Tip 1: Build self-awareness

As the adage goes, you can’t solve a problem that you don’t know exists. It’s a powerful first step to acknowledge when you’re hyperfixating on someone and have lost your balance. 

Here are some questions you can ask yourself to get clarity on what’s happening:

• Do I lose track of time thinking about this person?
• Do I struggle to stop focusing on this person?
• Do I ignore other parts of my life or other responsibilities because of my absorption with this person?
• Do I neglect basic self-care, such as forgetting to eat, because I’m thinking about this person?
• Do I go down rabbit holes to learn as much as I can about this person?
• Am I over-connected to my phone—texts, social media, DMs—in anticipation of hearing from this person?
• Have I neglected other relationships and friendships to prioritize this person?

By being honest with yourself about your feelings and behaviors, you can begin to explore the underlying reasons for your hyperfixation and develop strategies to manage it more effectively.

Tip 2: Set boundaries 

Boundaries are limits that protect your well-being and ensure that your relationships remain positive and supportive. And when you’re trying to stop hyperfixating on a person, they’re even more important to maintain.

Boundaries look different for everyone, but can include:

• Limiting the amount of time you spend looking at someone’s social media 
• Reducing the amount of time spent ruminating or daydreaming
• Establishing rules for when and how you communicate
• Designating specific times to see friends and loved ones
• Honoring commitments outside the relationship 
• Allowing yourself time to engage in self-care 

“Make self-care the most important,” says Tracie Ibrahim, MA, LMFT, CST, a licensed therapist at NOCD. “Always make sure you’re doing self-care like sleeping, eating, and socializing.” 

Tip 3: Refocus on hobbies and activities

When you’re trying to stop hyperfixating on someone, you can still think about them, Ibrahim says. It’s not black and white. However, you should also be able to do the things you enjoyed before this person—or the fixation on them—entered your life.

Take a moment to jot down any hobbies or activities that you’ve neglected; what can you slowly find your way back to? If you can’t think of any, push yourself to try something new like joining a book club or committing to an exercise routine. 

One caveat: If your obsession with this person is a symptom of OCD, distracting yourself may be an indication that you are doing a compulsion to ease your discomfort or anxiety. It’s a small nuance but an important one: Try to think about the hobbies and activities that you enjoy doing rather than looking for a means of distraction and avoidance.

Tip 4: Practice mindfulness

If you’re hyperfixating on someone and constantly thinking about them, your thoughts can easily send you into a tailspin of rumination and anxiety. Then, you may begin to label your thoughts (or even yourself) as “bad.”

Mindfulness meditation is a way to stop this pattern and simply observe your thoughts—identifying them as just that: thoughts and nothing else. 

“Just let the thought be there,” Ibrahim said. “Instead of trying to figure it out, why is it happening, or how do I stop it, just leave it alone. What if you just allow it to be there?” 

Tip 5: Get help from a mental health professional

If you find yourself feeling distressed or anxious as a result of hyperfixating on a person, speaking with a mental health professional can be incredibly helpful. Additionally, an expert can help determine if there are any underlying mental health conditions that might be contributing to your obsessions or hyperfixations, and connect you to proper treatment.

If your hyperfixation turns out to be more of an obsession, for example, like the kind seen in OCD, a mental health provider would likely recommend exposure and response prevention (ERP) therapy. ERP is an evidence-based behavioral therapy backed by decades of clinical research, and it’s highly effective at reducing OCD symptoms. In ERP, you work together with a trained therapist to directly confront your obsessive thoughts, and find new ways of responding. 

For instance, if you’re obsessing over whether a partner will leave you, an exposure might be to write a script about the worst-case scenario: “Imagining that this was not the perfect person for you,” says Ibrahim. You’ll then be encouraged to sit with any discomfort this brings up, and resist the urge to do compulsions like asking for reassurance that you’ll stay together “forever.” When you see that you can tolerate the discomfort better than you thought you could, your obsessions lose their power over you.

The bottom line

Hyperfixation on a person can be time-consuming and emotionally draining, often leading to neglect of other areas of your life. But once you gain an awareness of your tendencies, you can move toward healthier relationships with others—and most importantly, yourself.