Fear of intimacy: signs, causes, and how to get better

Fear of intimacy, also known as intimacy anxiety or relationship avoidance, can be a difficult and isolating experience. If you’ve typically hesitated to form close emotional or physical relationships with others, you may not know why. That’s because intimacy issues can be subconscious concerns. You may feel that there’s a part of you that you just can’t fully share. You may have worried you’ll never be able to truly satisfy a partner—or yourself. Fear of intimacy can hold you back from forming the connections you genuinely want.

If you feel deep discomfort or hesitation exchanging ideas, feelings, thoughts, and physical contact with others, know that you are not alone. Intimacy issues are more common than most people realize, affecting individuals across all backgrounds and relationship types. The good news? Because so many people face challenges with intimacy, there are also proven ways to help.

By identifying the cause of your intimacy issues, you can work toward effective strategies for addressing these issues—from small steps you can take on your own, to tools you can implement with a professional. Read on to learn about common signs and causes, and how you can connect more freely and confidently in your relationships.

Fear of intimacy signs

Fear of intimacy can show up in a variety of ways, often blending into your daily life so naturally that it might not be immediately obvious. If you’re feeling the desire to withdraw from close relationships, or noticing a discomfort with vulnerability, you could be dealing with intimacy avoidance.

While intimacy issues don’t always look the same for everyone, recognizing common indicators can help you better understand what might be happening beneath the surface.

Here are some common signs:

• You avoid emotional closeness: Perhaps you sidestep deeper conversations with loved ones, or avoid being vulnerable. You may struggle to express your true feelings with others, even close partners. Emotional closeness is essential for intimacy, but if you’re afraid of letting someone in, sharing how you really feel can be overwhelming. Instead, you may take actions that create emotional distance in your relationships. 

• You struggle with physical intimacy and sex: If you find yourself overwhelmed by the idea of certain types of physical contact—or any physical contact at all, you may be dealing with a fear of sex and intimacy. This can manifest as feeling uncomfortable with affection, or avoiding sexual activity, hugging, or cuddling.
  
• You hold yourself to impossible standards: Perfectionism can be a symptom of intimacy issues. You may feel you aren’t worthy of love until you meet certain expectations. Or, you may hold yourself and/or your relationships to a “perfect” standard that is impossible to meet.

• You sabotage your relationships: Have many of your relationships been short-lived? It’s possible you’ve been finding reasons to avoid closeness. Fear of intimacy can lead people to be uncommunicative, pick fights, or take other actions that create distance with loved ones. 

These signs aren’t the only indicators of intimacy issues, but they provide insight into behaviors that might be worth exploring. Noticing them is an important first step toward healing your fear of intimacy.

What causes fear of intimacy?

Fear of intimacy doesn’t typically appear out of the blue—it usually has roots in past experiences, insecurities, or beliefs that shape how you connect with others. In some cases, intimacy issues may be connected to a mental health condition. Here are some common causes:

• You’ve had prior traumatic experiences: Traumatic or upsetting experiences—especially those involving intimacy—can understandably make closeness feel difficult. In these situations, Dr. Patrick McGrath, Chief Clinical Officer at NOCD explains, “Being intimate again [can be] a trigger.”
  
• You’re preoccupied with your self-image: Concerns about your body or self-worth can easily get in the way of feeling comfortable with intimacy. “Some people may think they…smell, or [that] their genitals look funny,” Dr. McGrath explains. If you worry your body will repulse another person, you may fear feelings of shame or rejection in an intimate setting.
  
• You have an avoidant attachment style: Your relationship with your caregivers during childhood can impact what’s known as your “attachment style”—essentially, how you approach your relationships and social boundaries. If you grew up in a household where your needs were neglected in some way, intimacy may feel unnatural or overwhelming. This approach, called an avoidant attachment style, can cause you to shy away from deep connection, even if you really want it.
  
• Your cultural or religious beliefs make intimacy feel wrong: Depending on the culture or religion you’ve been raised in, intimacy may feel “sinful” or “inappropriate.” This can create a conflict between personal desires and deeply held beliefs, which can be difficult to reconcile. For example, Dr. McGrath says, “You might feel that you are of a certain orientation, but you might not be comfortable expressing that orientation physically because it goes against cultural issues or religious issues.”
  
• You’re dealing with a mental health condition: Mental health conditions such as personality disorders, anxiety, depression, or OCD can also create barriers to intimacy. If you’re dealing with social anxiety, you may have a greater fear of judgment in intimate social situations. If you’re navigating OCD, fears of contamination may make it more difficult to have sex.

With greater awareness and the right support, these barriers don’t have to keep holding you back—you can work through them to create deeper, more fulfilling connections. Recognizing if any of these causes feel relevant to you is a great first step in the right direction.

Is my fear of intimacy related to a mental health condition?

Fear of intimacy can exist on its own, or alongside certain mental health conditions. For some, intimacy avoidance is rooted in past experiences or personal beliefs, while for others, mental health challenges can cause or exacerbate a discomfort around closeness. It truly depends on the individual. However, there are a few conditions that often bring up or intensify sex-related fears. Let’s take a closer look at how OCD, depression, and anxiety can relate to these struggles.

Obsessive-compulsive disorder

Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) is a mental health condition defined by intrusive thoughts, images, sensations, urges, or feelings that become distressing obsessions. People with OCD often feel the need to respond with rituals or compulsions they think will bring relief. However, this relief doesn’t last long, leading the cycle of obsessions and compulsions to repeat itself. For those with OCD, intimacy fears may be tied to intrusive thoughts about contamination, harm, or other “what if” scenarios.

Dr. McGrath explains that people with OCD are often worried about how their sexual actions can affect others. For example, you might worry to a greater extent about sexually transmitted infections, or view sexual fluids as contaminated—or simply disgusting. These concerns can make it hard to feel safe with intimacy, as the thought of potentially putting yourself or your partner at risk can be overwhelming.

Intimacy fears in OCD can also be linked to concerns about the consequences of closeness. Dr. McGrath shares that people often worry about “what if” scenarios, such as accidental pregnancies and fears of parenthood. These thoughts can make intimacy feel daunting, but with professional support, these anxieties can be reframed and managed.

Depression

For people with depression, intimacy challenges may look a little different. Depression is a mental health condition that affects mood, energy, and a person’s overall outlook. Depression can bring on persistent feelings of sadness or emptiness, a loss of interest in activities that once brought joy, and a sense of emotional disconnection. When someone is dealing with depression, they might feel distant, even if they genuinely want closeness. This emotional numbness can make intimacy feel out of reach.

Dr. McGrath points out that “if you’re depressed, you might not be able to even [become] aroused.” This can lead to a frustrating cycle of desire, shame and self-doubt, as depression affects both emotional and physical aspects of intimacy. Behavioral activation therapy, which encourages engaging in meaningful activities even when motivation is low, can often help.

Anxiety

Anxiety, especially social anxiety, can also make intimacy feel challenging, but in a different way. Anxiety is a mental health condition marked by intense worry or fear around social situations, interactions, or relationships. For people with social anxiety, being close to someone can trigger fears of being judged, misunderstood, or rejected, leading you to withdraw from intimacy to avoid potential discomfort or pain.

Dr. McGrath says that social anxiety can play a major role in intimacy fears. For example, you might feel nervous to open up to your partner about your emotional needs, out of fear that you’ll be perceived as too needy. Instead, you may avoid relying on your partner altogether, creating distance and confusion in the relationship. Even if the desire for connection is strong, social anxiety can make the idea of being vulnerable feel especially intimidating. Working with a professional to conquer these fears can provide a path to recovery.

How to deal with a fear of intimacy

Intimacy issues can feel overwhelming and embarrassing. You may feel worried that you’re letting others down. Whatever you’re facing, however, there are ways to find relief and start feeling more at ease in your relationships.

The best way to work through a fear of intimacy depends on what’s beneath the surface. Professional guidance is often required, but it is also important to engage in self-compassion, accept some level of uncertainty, and give yourself time.

If your intimacy issues are linked to OCD or social anxiety, Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP) therapy is often recommended. ERP is a highly effective, evidence-based treatment. Through ERP, you can learn to gradually face your fears, in a safer and more manageable way—without avoiding or turning to compulsions.

How ERP Therapy Can Help

In ERP, you’ll work with a specialized therapist who gently guides you to face situations, thoughts, or feelings that trigger anxiety—in this case, fears about intimacy. Over time, ERP helps you learn to sit with discomfort, gradually teaching you to experience the feelings without letting them control your actions. 

If OCD is causing your fear of intimacy, ERP might start with small steps toward closeness with a partner, all at a pace that feels right for you. Dr. McGrath describes how this might look: “The first thing that you might do is just lay in bed together with your clothes on.” From there, you might experiment with lying in bed together in just your pajamas. The following night, you and your partner might lie side-by-side in underwear, eventually progressing to being fully nude. “We’re not inserting or touching or anything,” Dr. McGrath explains. “You just gradually build up to those things as part of the process.” 

Each step of ERP therapy allows you to ease into intimacy without the pressure to rush. In doing so, you can learn that you’re capable of closeness in an environment that feels safer—eventually finding more freedom and confidence in your relationships.

Bottom Line

Intimacy is an essential part of many relationships, helping people feel close, connected, and understood. As Dr. McGrath puts it, “It’s a natural form of expression of love or closeness.”

Since intimacy can bring so much value to a relationship, it’s worth finding ways to address any fears or challenges that might be getting in the way. Exercising patience and self-compassion, and seeking professional help can make a difference. For those struggling with OCD, or anxiety, ERP can be an important strategy.

Whatever you’re going through, help is available. There’s hope for building a sense of closeness and connection that feels safe and natural.