This has always been a part of me. I was born this way. It’s not something that you can catch. It’s not like the flu, or some smashing case of food poisoning that will soon dissipate while you go back to your regular life in peace. I still have intrusive thoughts and contamination fears, some of them are still the same as when I was a child. But after successfully completing ERP, my body doesn’t react the same way it used to. Sometimes I need to refer back to my notes and build a new ladder to see results. When I get overwhelmed in my life, my OCD will swell and try and take over again. Sometimes I need a booster session, but most of the time I can do it on my own.

OCD is Just A Part of Me, and Not The Whole

I live a beautiful, warm life because I know who I am and because OCD does not stand in my way. I still have intrusive thoughts (not about my sexuality—for me, OCD finds a new theme to latch onto when I get bored of one). I am not debilitated by them, though. I am not perfect at resisting compulsions, but I’m pretty good. I’m pretty good. 

Is It Really Poison?

When I was at my worst, I read stories like this of others that made it to the other side and it was a lifeline I needed. Hope. As you read this, that’s what I want to share. Hope from the other side. It gets better. Life is still good on the other side. Healing isn’t linear, but you can’t quit on your worst day- I had so many. I can’t wait for you to see life over here in recovery. It really is so beautiful. 

The devil’s voice

After so many years, I have started fighting hard to get better because I was finally ready to. OCD is so hard to live with that I gave in to it for so many years because the thought of having to tackle my problem was too overwhelming because I knew what it entailed. Everything happens for a reason, and I can't change the past and don't look back. 

I have OCD, but I no longer suffer from OCD

As a teenager, I was frequently hospitalized at psychiatric inpatient facilities. I honestly liked being there, I felt safe. There were nurses if anything bad happened with my health and I was behind so many locked doors that no one could come in and hurt me.  In February of 2023, I was officially diagnosed with OCD for the second time. This is when I finally began the correct treatment after seeing a therapist for anxiety for 3 years and just getting worse. 

Cancel out the thoughts

The memory hoarding became obvious to those around me when I started rewinding television shows and movies a few seconds over and over again until the same dialogue had been heard five or ten times. I knew it was annoying, but it wasn’t enough to make me stop. And how could I ever explain to people that the reason I was doing it was that I didn't understand it, I wasn’t processing it, or I couldn’t remember all the details, and the panic I felt about it made me feel like the world was ending. 

The unsolvable puzzle: My experience with OCD

Mom was often late to work as a result of tantrums caused by OCD symptoms. Her daughter was also late to school many times. It was stressful and exhausting and as parents, the Clarks felt helpless. They knew their daughter needed help and they understood that early intervention would be best. What they hadn’t expected was just how difficult it would be to find a specialist who could treat her. Due to her age and the limited availability of OCD specialists, finding help was no easy task. However, they lucked out when an acquaintance told them about NOCD.

Our family’s journey through OCD recovery

In retrospect, I see that I struggled with OCD all of my life. I recall that when I was very young, my sister innocently told me that the pilgrims died from not washing their hands enough. This would create a severe compulsion which led to my hands bleeding.  I also developed an intense fear of falling asleep. I worried that I would die in my sleep. I would wake up nightly and sneak into my parent's room to ensure that they were still breathing. I needed to know that they were still alive. I can now see that these behaviors were not normal childhood precautions, but rather something more sinister.

Pregnancy, Motherhood, and My OCD Journey

I feel like I have the motivation to live my life again. Before treatment, I had just been going through the motions. Now I can truly say that I am experiencing joy again. I have been getting out more. I envision possibilities now. I now feel capable of learning new things. I have a renewed sense of hope. Even if something is not perfect, I will do my best and it will be enough. OCD isn’t going to rule my life any longer. I’m in the driver’s seat now! 

Living life by my values

 I can confidently say that I'm doing well, diligently managing all my mental health disorders and making steady progress in my recovery with each passing day. It hasn't been an easy road – filled with its share of highs, lows, and even relapses – but it has instilled in me the enduring power of resilience, the unwavering importance of perseverance, and the undeniable strength of the human spirit. My story is but one chapter in the vast tapestry of human experiences. We all encounter our unique challenges, but together, we share the indomitable capacity to overcome and thrive.

My Story

Life is a narrative, a story. That's how each of us perceives existence. We envisage ourselves as the protagonist, casting the psychological and metaphysical challenges we face into archetypal roles that humanity has been using since time immemorial. In our lives, we all have entities and individuals we perceive as allies, mentors, or shadows. We're all engaged in the same hero's journey, each with our unique story to share.  The journey I've shared with you today details my struggle with Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder and highlights key experiences that have provided me with precious learning opportunities.

Journey Through the Maze: A Personal Account of Living with OCD

You are not alone. Millions of people just like you struggle with the same condition. OCD is vicious and unrelenting, targeting everything you love and care about. But you can do more than just survive with OCD: you can thrive. There are so many wonderful therapists, psychologists, and psychiatrists ready to help you, and with consistent effort and a long-term approach, you can implement life changes that will get you back on the right track. 

Learning to live with OCD

I used to think that having OCD meant that I was weak. But now, that has changed. I know how strong I am. Through seeking help I learned that I am resilient. I know and understand myself so much better now. OCD really forced me to figure out who I am and what I value. I have a renewed vision of what is strength and what is weakness now. I am far more compassionate and empathetic. I no longer feel the need to put on a mask and pretend to be okay. I have been in the depths of despair and darkness. And I have survived. I have even thrived.

Freedom from OCD is possible

Over time the theme of my OCD and its spikes changed, from relationship to existential OCD but they’ve all had one major feature, uncertainty. Not knowing the outcome of some event, whether I am with the right person, or whether I’m even okay. 

Take care of Michael

I would encourage anyone and everyone who isn’t aware of just how serious of a condition OCD can be, to educate themselves on this. This is a real disorder and a debilitating one for so many people. Be open to what others with lived OCD experience have to say about this. It may be difficult to understand or to put yourself in their shoes, but that's okay. What they need is your support, just knowing you are there for them and care enough about them to be there for them can mean a world of difference. 

Fighting for a better me

I wish I could say that at age 24, I was cured, that I never experienced distress from my OCD again. The truth is more complex and compelling. My OCD has taken many different forms throughout my life-whether it is that I am with the wrong person, or if I am making a terrible mistake at work, and everything in between. But my life has become so much more expansive since I received help for my OCD. Though I still get caught in compulsions and rituals and safety behaviors, I don't stay stuck as long. I still see a therapist at NOCD to help me through all the ways that my OCD has shifted over the years. Most importantly, my OCD has not kept me from living a beautiful life. I met and married an amazing man. I reconnected to art, writing, and advocating for people with OCD like myself. I don't let OCD and fear dictate my life.

Blanket statements

The key to reducing the power of these thoughts is not to run away from them, not to push them away, and not even to challenge them. It turns out that the most effective way we’ve found to deal with it so far is to simply sit with The Thoughts, and let them say their piece. Almost as if you were dealing with a child having a little temper tantrum, you just let all of the terrible, anxiety-inducing thoughts rage as they will, until they tire themselves out.  While under guided supervision, you are exposed to a situation that triggers intrusive thoughts, and throughout you must self-assess your anxiety levels. What are you feeling as your brain presents upsetting ideas to you? Be honest with yourself, and track how you feel as you continue. Eventually, though it may take quite a while, you’ll notice the anxiety will start to decrease. A quiet observation of the situation will lead you to a calmer state. Give no response except for acknowledgment of what you are going through. You, in a sense, build up a tolerance to the anxiety The Thoughts provoke. Eventually, they become nothing more than what they always truly were, even if they had once felt like something so much worse. Just thoughts.

The fear of failure

OCD was a result of my reaction to thoughts that were abhorrent to me. Unfortunately, trying to force them out of my head only meant I thought about them more. With my therapist’s help, I started to practice exposure and response prevention therapy (ERP). It was crazy how quickly my intrusive thoughts receded — I got to a point where I could remain calm and completely ignore these thoughts, even laugh at their absurdity, instead of being frightened by them. 

Let in the light

OCD no longer controls my life, my behaviors, and my family. OCD doesn’t have a crippling grip on my life any longer. I learned that I likely had OCD most of my life.Recovery is a process. It isn’t as though the OCD is suddenly gone, but I am recognizing it more. I am not allowing it to be in control. My advice to anyone suffering from this is to get help right away, don’t put it off. Face it head-on as hard as it is. Don’t give up, keep pushing forward. You will be so happy that you get treatment. There is no such thing as a ‘perfect’ recovery or treatment. When I have bumps in the road, I get back into therapy and get a quick refresher. You are never all the way back to zero, you cannot unlearn all of the tools you have been taught. You don’t lose progress. 

How OCD tried to come between me and my family

I was once tormented by OCDs “What ifs” and left in a state of panic, despair, and ruin, wondering if I would ever get my life back again. While I am not here to say that your life will always be sunshine and rainbows, I will tell you that with hard work and perseverance, you can live a completely healthy, and normal life.

What if it could turn out better than you ever imagined? 

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Teaching our kids with OCD self-compassion

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How to lovingly detach from our child’s OCD and anxiety

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I Became an OCD Specialist Because of My Son’s Struggle and Recovery

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My Journey to Becoming an OCD Specialist Began in My Adolescence

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I Wouldn’t Be Here Without Specialized OCD Therapy

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I Resisted Therapy for Years. Now I’m an OCD Specialist.

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April Kilduff, MA, LCPC

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My Decision to Specialize in OCD Came From My Own Experience

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I’m a Living Example Of How Life-Changing ERP Therapy Can Be 

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All I Ever Knew Was OCD. Now I’m Here to Help People Like Me

I’ve never experienced anything more crushing than a day filled with OCD intrusive thoughts. It’s a feeling that I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. You

Patrick McGrath, PhD

Don’t Waste Your Time: Find a Licensed Therapist That Specializes in Treating OCD

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Living with OCD