The occasional worry or burst of relationship anxiety is normal and something we all deal with. If you sometimes catch yourself wondering things like, “Am I really attracted to my partner?” or “Is something wrong if I notice someone else and think they’re attractive?” you’re not alone. These questions don’t necessarily mean anything is wrong. Relationships are complicated, and feelings about attraction can ebb and flow in ways that sometimes feel unsettling. Maybe one day you’re completely drawn to your partner, but the next, you’re not feeling as strongly—or maybe you worry about whether that spark could fade over time.
It’s natural to feel concerned or even guilty when these questions arise, especially if they linger or resurface frequently. After all, questioning the connection you share can make you wonder if something is fundamentally off. But having doubts and checking in with your feelings can also be a healthy part of assessing and nurturing a relationship. Let’s dive further into how to navigate these moments of doubt, what they might mean for your partnership, and how to approach them in a balanced manner.
Am I actually losing my attraction to my partner?
After being with someone for a while, it’s natural to wonder if your attraction is genuine or simply part of the comfort you’ve built together. In long-term relationships, routine and familiarity can sometimes make you question if your feelings are rooted in true desire or just reassurance from knowing they’re there. These thoughts don’t necessarily mean something is wrong; they’re common reflections that come up as relationships deepen and evolve over time.
Instead of jumping to conclusions about your feelings, it can help to take a step back and think about what else might be impacting how you feel. Stress, personal challenges, or changes in your daily routine can all influence how connected you feel to your partner. However, if these worries feel constant or start to weigh on you, there may be something more going on. In some cases, a pattern of ongoing doubts about attraction or compatibility can be linked to relationship OCD (ROCD), which can make people feel unsure about their feelings toward their partner, even when nothing is wrong.
What is relationship OCD?
Relationship OCD is a form of obsessive-compulsive disorder that is centered around your relationship. As with all types of OCD, there are two main components: obsessions and compulsions. Obsessions are the intrusive or negative thoughts, feelings, doubts, sensations, and images that pop into your mind and cause distress.
In the case of ROCD, Melanie Dideriksen, LPC, CAADC shares, “You may have obsessive thoughts about a partner cheating on you, whether you’re attracted to them, or whether you’re doing enough to please the person you’re with—the list goes on and on.” In order to relieve the distress that obsessions bring, people with OCD perform compulsions, which are rituals or mental actions used to temporarily ease the anxiety from those thoughts.
Now, occasional worries like wondering “if we had sex a few less times this month, am I losing sexual attraction to my partner?” are normal. These thoughts often pass without lingering distress, and you’re able to move on from them. But ROCD feels much different. With ROCD, these kinds of doubts are intense and hard to shake—they come with a sense of urgency, as if you need to find a solution to relieve the worry right away, but any relief is only temporary.
For example, someone with ROCD might be intimate with their partner but feel distracted by a fleeting image of someone else, which could then spiral into relentless questioning. They might think, “Does this mean I’m not sexually attracted to my partner?” or “Am I actually attracted to this other person?” The distress can become so overwhelming that they might even avoid situations where they could see the other person, hoping it will avoid causing anxiety. Unlike passing doubts, ROCD is cyclical and persistent—obsessive fears come back over and over, making it feel nearly impossible to find peace.
Is my loss of attraction related to ROCD?
It can be difficult to determine whether a loss of attraction is due to ROCD or a genuine issue in your relationship. “Sometimes there are true issues in a relationship that need to be addressed, but ROCD is often present when very minor issues feel insurmountable and catastrophic,” shares Dideriksen. In other words, if you’re experiencing a real, identifiable issue—like a persistent lack of attraction or connection with your partner—that’s likely not ROCD. A situation like this typically has a cause and effect that you can work on with a clear path forward.
With ROCD, however, the concerns often feel intense and pressing, even if they’re tied to small, seemingly insignificant situations. For example, you might see a celebrity win an award and post a picture of them on your Instagram story, just like many people do. But if you find this celebrity attractive, ROCD may lead you to worry: Does this mean I don’t find my partner as attractive? Am I somehow betraying them? This worry might push you to make rules for yourself, like posting a photo of your partner every time you post a celebrity picture to “balance” things out and avoid guilt.
In the short term, these actions might seem to relieve the anxiety, but in reality, they create a cycle. The underlying fear doesn’t go away and instead continues to build, fueling more doubts and compulsive behaviors. Here we can see that ROCD attaches itself to things that you typically wouldn’t even worry about or consider and makes them feel more extreme, leading you to repeatedly “fix” a problem that wasn’t there in the first place.
Signs of ROCD
ROCD has its own distinct patterns, often blending your doubts about the relationship with actions meant to make you feel better—even though it only works temporarily. Dideriksen lists some specific signs of ROCD to look out for, breaking them down into two categories: obsessions and compulsions.
Common ROCD obsessions
- Do we still have chemistry?
- Is there someone better out there for me?
- That couple seems happier than us.
- Is our relationship wrong?
- Could I be with someone more attractive?
- Will my feelings fade over time?
- Are my partner’s smallest flaws a reason to break up?
- Will my partner fall out of love with me?
- Is my partner going to cheat on me?
- If I don’t think about my partner all the time, are we the wrong match?
- Am I just going through the motions in my relationship?
- Is my partner “The One”?
Common ROCD compulsions
- Seeking reassurance from your partner or other people about your relationship
- Needing to have physical intimacy every day to confirm attraction
- Constantly looking at pictures of your partner to check feelings of attraction
- Researching incessantly about what makes a healthy relationship
- Comparing your partner to others to feel certain about your match
- Taking online relationship quizzes
“Even when one’s compulsions are done in an attempt to strengthen or secure a relationship… OCD often causes their intentions to backfire,” shares Dideriksen. For example, if you’re starting to engage in avoidant behaviors because of your obsessive thoughts about losing attraction to your partner, they might end up feeling like you are pushing them away. It can create fear and anxiety about the relationship for not only you, but also them.
If you notice these patterns, it may be helpful to take a closer look at how they affect your peace of mind. ROCD can make even small relationship questions feel overwhelming, and while these thoughts and behaviors might feel reassuring in the moment, they tend to create more anxiety over time. Recognizing these signs is the first step in understanding ROCD and exploring ways to work through these challenging feelings.
Treatment for ROCD
ROCD can be debilitating and interfere greatly with your ability to feel comfortable in your life, but like all forms of OCD, it is treatable. By doing exposure and response prevention (ERP) therapy with a trained ERP therapist, you can find relief from the cycle of OCD.
ERP is a first-line treatment for OCD, backed by decades of research. ERP involves working with your therapist to slowly confront your obsessions and fears. Eventually, you will be guided to sit in the discomfort and distress they bring without having to act out on compulsions. While it can seem intimidating at first, ERP can help you learn how to truly deal with your distress—not just temporarily. “Most people who do ERP with a trained OCD therapist experience a decrease in OCD symptoms, reduced anxiety and distress, and increased confidence in their ability to face their fears,” says Dideriksen.
Dideriksen also gave us some specific examples of what ERP might look like for people with ROCD. If you think you aren’t attracted to your partner as much as you should be, your therapist might guide you to face fears with examples similar to these ones:
- Imagine what it would feel like to lose all attraction for your partner and write a story about the worst-case scenario
- Kiss your partner even if the thought of someone you find more attractive pops into your head
- Write a script comparing your partner to a another person
By facing these fears, they have less power over you and you learn that the resulting anxiety dissipates over time. You can gain the confidence you need to engage in your relationship according to your own values and desires, rather than OCD’s “what ifs.”
“I have worked with many people who deal with fear about losing attraction to their partner. Just as important, I have seen people overcome this fear and live happy lives together,” says Dideriksen. She believes the key is often to work with a trained OCD therapist who understands ROCD. This professional can also help you determine if there are more serious relationship issues at play, and if your loss of attraction is a real issue or something your brain is scaring you about.
How to deal with feelings of losing attraction to your partner
If you’re feeling less attracted to your partner, it’s natural to feel confused. Sometimes, these doubts can be related to something deeper, like ROCD or other personal factors that bring on persistent thoughts. In these cases, seeking professional support like ERP therapy can help address the patterns and guide you towards a solution.
In other cases, people genuinely do experience a shift in attraction to their partner. This can sometimes happen in long-term relationships and while it can be painful to confront, it doesn’t always mean something is wrong. Take a moment to reflect on these feelings honestly. Ask yourself if this is a pattern you’ve noticed over time or something more recent. Sometimes, changes in routine, personal stress, or emotional distance can impact how attracted you feel. Take a moment to reflect on your feelings—have they been building over time, or is this a recent change? Factors like routine, stress, or emotional distance can all impact attraction, and in many cases, these things can be worked on together to reignite a connection.
Ultimately, whether you choose to work through these feelings or decide that moving forward separately is best, the key is to be truthful with yourself and your partner. Recognizing your feelings allows you to take the appropriate steps toward either reigniting the connection or finding closure in a way that respects both of you.
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Bottom line
If you’re questioning your attraction to your partner, remember that some level of doubt is normal in any relationship. But when these worries feel persistent, overwhelming, or lead to constant checking and reassurance-seeking, they could be signs of ROCD. Recognizing these patterns and understanding ROCD can be the first step toward clarity. With the help of ERP therapy, you can start breaking the cycle of intrusive thoughts and feel more secure in your relationship.
Even if you find that ROCD isn’t what you’re experiencing, learning about these patterns can still help you determine whether your feelings reflect something deeper, like a genuine shift in attraction. This distinction can guide you to make the decision that feels right for both you and your partner—whether that’s working together to heal and grow or, if needed, respectfully moving forward separately. With the right support, clarity and peace of mind are within reach.