If you’re worried about your partner leaving you, you might be experiencing relationship anxiety, OCD, or a relationship OCD—a subtype of OCD characterized by obsessions and compulsions that center on relationships. Exposure and response prevention (ERP) therapy is the most effective way to reduce symptoms of OCD, so you can feel confident navigating your romantic relationships.
You’re in a relationship that seems to be going well. You’ve built trust, respect each other’s boundaries, and engage in open communication. Despite embodying the traits of a healthy relationship, you find yourself frequently worried about your partner leaving you. You might ask yourself questions like, Is my partner cheating on me? Do I love my partner enough? Am I attractive enough for them? What if we fall out of love? What if I end up alone forever?
It’s normal to experience occasional anxiety about your relationships. After all, even in the healthiest situations, conflict and miscommunication can occur. However, if your anxiety seems to be stemming from overwhelming, persistent intrusive thoughts—and the distress you experience feels all-consuming—you could be dealing with relationship anxiety, or a subtype of obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) known as relationship OCD (ROCD).
Why do I think my partner is going to leave me?
The fear of being broken up with can stem from a few potential causes. According to Taylor Newendrop, MA, LCPC, Network Clinical Training Director at NOCD, it’s common to experience these fears if your relationship isn’t stable or healthy. Here are some common signs of an unhealthy relationship:
- You and your partner constantly argue without any resolution.
- Your partner says they’d be better off with someone else.
- Your partner has already attempted to break up with you.
- Your partner is pushing for an “open” relationship that you’re not comfortable with.
- Your partner is going out more often and won’t say who they’re with.
Do I have relationship anxiety?
What if you’re in a good relationship, where your partner is clearly devoted to you? In these situations, your fear may be tied to relationship anxiety.
Relationship anxiety is an anxiety disorder that involves constant worrying, overthinking, and nervousness about your relationships. In response to the anxiety you feel, you may constantly seek reassurance by repeatedly asking your partner whether or not they want to be with you, or trying to find evidence that your relationship is not ending.
Relationship anxiety is a very common condition, and often occurs at the start of a new relationship. However, if these concerns are ongoing and feel intrusive, you may be dealing with a larger mental health condition.
Could my fears be related to OCD?
OCD is characterized by obsessions, or intrusive thoughts, feelings, urges, sensations, or images that cause significant anxiety or distress. In response, people with OCD perform compulsions—repetitive mental or physical acts meant to neutralize discomfort, or prevent a bad outcome from happening. OCD obsessions can emerge around any area of your life, including your romantic relationships. Relationship OCD (ROCD), in particular, is an OCD subtype that can make it especially hard to understand what’s really going on in your relationships.
According to Newendorp, if “you’re not observing any unhealthy behaviors in your partner, the relationship is objectively considered to be healthy, but you’re still having intrusive doubts and fears that your partner might leave you,” you may be experiencing ROCD.
ROCD can trigger obsessions like worrying about the stability or sustainability of your relationship—even if there’s no clear reason to be concerned. In response, you might find yourself engaging in one of the following compulsive behaviors:
- Excessively seeking reassurance from your partner that everything is okay.
- Mentally reviewing past conversations and interactions with your partner to see if they ever indicated a desire to leave you.
- Excessively researching relationship advice.
- Compulsively checking your partner’s phone for any “suspicious” calls or texts.
- Accusing your partner of wanting to leave.
- Repeatedly seeking reassurance from friends and family.
- Overanalyzing everything your partner says and does to try to figure out if they’re leaving.
Engaging in these sorts of compulsions can not only affect your relationship, but can worsen your OCD symptoms. “The more you do all these compulsions, the worse your anxiety will get,” says Newendorp.
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All our therapists are licensed and trained in exposure and response prevention therapy (ERP), the gold standard treatment for OCD.
How can I overcome my relationship fears?
In order to put your fear of abandonment to rest, you need to know why they’re occurring in the first place. “It really depends on you, the relationship, and whether or not you have OCD,” says Newendorp. “Without OCD, you can use logic and reason to trust that your partner is not planning to leave unless they say so.” If you’re dealing with OCD, however, it’s important to seek help from a therapist who is trained to treat the condition.
Identify what’s causing your fears
If you’re unsure about what’s causing your relationship fears, it’s helpful to take time to try to identify potential triggers—like past trauma, an unhealthy attachment style, stress, or a bad argument. Sometimes, we can figure these things out alone, or with the help of a trusted loved one. In other cases, we need to seek support from a mental health professional. Read on to learn when it can be helpful to reach out to a therapist, and how you can learn to overcome your fears once you’ve identified their cause.
Tips for managing relationship anxiety
If you think your fears are tied to relationship anxiety—rather than OCD, you can often ease anxiety by practicing mindfulness exercises, working on your communication skills, and considering couples counseling. If these strategies aren’t enough, it can also be helpful to reach out to a therapist for individual support.
Exposure and response prevention (ERP) therapy for OCD
If you’re constantly obsessing about your relationship, and the distress it causes you feels uncontrollable, it’s important to consider therapy. Exposure and response prevention (ERP) therapy is a specialized form of cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) that was designed specifically for OCD, and is the most effective treatment for the condition. ERP is backed by decades of research supporting its efficacy in reducing symptoms of OCD.
In ERP therapy, a licensed therapist will guide you through exposures, or scenarios that force you to confront your relationship fears. Your therapist will then teach you response prevention techniques, which are exercises that help you resist engaging in compulsions, like reassurance-seeking.
Below are some examples of ERP therapy exercises that a therapist might guide you through for ROCD:
- Set a timer, and refrain from texting your partner for up to an hour per day, or even per week.
- Write down a worst-case scenario in which your partner leaves you, as a way of learning to sit with the discomfort.
- Put on your least favorite outfit before seeing your partner.
In some cases, ERP may also be used to treat symptoms of severe relationship anxiety. Exercises like the above examples can help you overcome persistent worry about your relationship, and feel a greater sense of ease interacting with your partner.
“OCD can override logic and reason,” says Newedrop. “We recommend doing ERP to focus on reducing and resisting the compulsions you’re doing that are making your symptoms worse.”While ERP may seem intimidating at first, if you stay consistent with your sessions and do your therapy homework, you can see a significant change in your ROCD or relationship anxiety symptoms. In time, you can feel less fear about your relationship, and more confidence navigating any intrusive thoughts that emerge.
Bottom line
Constantly worrying that your partner will leave you can put a strain on your relationship—and it can be a symptom of a larger mental health condition, like relationship anxiety or ROCD. Regardless of what’s causing your fears, know that it is possible to navigate your anxiety with more ease. Depending on what you’re dealing with, mindfulness exercises, improved communication, and ERP therapy can help you manage your fears and focus on all the good things happening in your relationship.
Key Takeaways
- It can be normal to experience occasional anxiety that your partner might leave you—especially if you’re in an unhealthy relationship.
- If your relationship concerns are pervasive and cause overwhelming distress, you may be dealing with a mental health condition—like relationship anxiety or OCD.
- Relationship OCD (ROCD) is a subtype of OCD characterized by obsessions and compulsions that center on your relationships.
- ERP therapy is the most effective way to reduce symptoms of ROCD and OCD, so you can regain control over your life, and find ease in your relationships again.