What do feelings of false attraction mean?

 False attraction is a common symptom in several subtypes of obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) where a person experiences unwanted and intrusive thoughts, images, or doubts about their attraction to someone or something entirely unusual for them. 

You might suddenly question whether you’re attracted to someone of a different gender than your typical partners, someone older, someone younger, or maybe someone close to you. False attraction can be involved in many different themes of OCD involving attraction generally: relationship OCD, pedophilia OCD, incest OCD, or sexual orientation OCD.

The critical thing to remember about false attraction is that the person feeling it doesn’t want it. When someone experiences this feeling they’re prone to feel anxious, fearful, or even in some cases disgusted about the attraction, if it opposes their values (often the case for people with fears that they could be attracted to children, animals, etc.). They might try everything in their power to rid themselves of their doubts and worries, but end up caught in a vicious cycle, unwilling to accept uncertainty and unable to get rid of it completely. 

It’s worth noting that having seemingly random feelings of attraction to someone or even something out of the ordinary can happen to anyone. The presence of safety-seeking behaviors—or compulsions—will enable a specialized therapist to diagnose whether you’re indeed experiencing OCD. 

How can I tell false attraction from genuine attraction? 

The key difference between real attraction and false attraction is the emotional response to that attraction. Real attraction is typically accompanied by positive emotions such as excitement, happiness, and desire, whereas false attraction is accompanied by negative emotions such as anxiety, distress, and guilt.

Here’s a scenario to help illustrate the difference: 

Rachel is a 23-year-old college student who has been dating her boyfriend, David, for six months. They have a great relationship and enjoy spending time together. One day, Rachel meets a new guy in one of her classes named Alex. She is suddenly attracted to him and begins to experience intrusive thoughts about him. Rachel starts to worry that she may be developing feelings for Alex and begins to feel guilty and anxious about it.

Real attraction: If Rachel is genuinely attracted to Alex, she may feel excited and happy when she thinks about him. She may look forward to seeing him and feel a desire to spend more time with him. Rachel may also feel guilty about her attraction, given that she is in a relationship with David, but her overall emotional response to her feelings is positive.

False attraction: If Rachel is experiencing false attraction, she may feel overwhelmed and distressed by her thoughts about Alex. She may be plagued with doubts and worries about her relationship with David and feel guilty for having these thoughts. In this case, the prospect that she could be attracted to Alex becomes overwhelming, and she may also try to avoid situations where she may see Alex or engage in other compulsive behaviors to alleviate her anxiety and doubt. 

It’s important to note that in any case, telling the difference between real and false feelings of attraction can be incredibly difficult—especially for people with OCD. A trained therapist can help provide insight and guidance to identify false attraction.

Why does false attraction occur?  

First off, it’s important to remember that when and how OCD shows up, in general, isn’t well understood. However, research suggests that a combination of genetic, neurological, and environmental factors likely causes the disorder.

Why false attraction occurs is similarly unclear. It may occur simply because we see something we like. Let’s say a person is wearing your favorite color, just got a cool haircut, or is wearing a cologne that you find intoxicating. Someone with OCD may start to feel a build-up of anxiety around their body’s physical response when they have that thought. They are prone to assign meaning to a thought that people without the disorder would more likely dismiss as random or unimportant.

In an unfortunate twist, these fears are often our brain’s way of being overprotective of things that are important to us, like our identity or relationships. Since we value these things so highly, OCD focuses on the slightest uncertainty about our attraction, making it feel intolerable. Really, uncertainty exists in every part of life, and we can learn to tolerate uncertainty about our attraction just as we do in other areas of our lives every day.

Could false attraction be a sign of OCD?  

Anyone can feel attraction to something they think of as being odd. When that false attraction starts to cause distress and meet specific criteria, the likelihood that it’s a sign of OCD increases.  

Remember, OCD can only be professionally diagnosed when a person:

1. Has intrusive thoughts, urges, feelings, or images that cause distress;
2. Engages in compulsions, mental or physical acts intended to reduce this distress;
3. Experiences some level of impairment in social, emotional, and occupational functioning, and;
4. The symptoms are also not better explained by another condition, like an illness, injury, or substance use.  

When a person with OCD experiences an intrusive thought, urge, or sensation like false attraction, it becomes an obsession—the “O” in OCD. These can come in the form of thoughts, images, or even memories, and they often relate to one or more specific themes or subtypes, such as relationships or sexuality, in the case of false attraction.

When these obsessions involving feelings of false attraction occur, they bring a great deal of distress and anxiety with them—especially when they involve physical sensations like a groinal response. That’s what leads to the second main component of OCD: compulsions, which are done to reduce this distress or keep an unwanted event from happening.

How can I be sure my feelings of attraction aren’t real? 

In short, you can’t be 100% certain—just as you can’t be certain about other parts of your life or identity. We can’t control feelings of false attraction or real attraction, but we can control how we respond. 

If the attraction is unwanted, then we learn to sit with the uncertainty that comes from feeling it. You should do your best not to figure out whether the attraction or false attraction is real. This isn’t helpful and will only feed a tendency to ruminate on the smallest “what if,” making your fears even worse over time.

Feelings are not truths. Feelings will create doubt. Feelings are ever-changing. A feeling of false attraction could be here one minute and gone the next. When you experience feelings of false attraction, this is a good opportunity to recognize the fear that comes up and decide how you want to react.  

Do you want to take hours, days, or weeks to examine your feelings regarding the attraction, or do you want to move in the direction of your values and intentions? I suggest moving towards something important to you, rather than engaging in the game OCD will insist you play. 

Thankfully there’s a treatment for all subtypes of OCD that is proven to be incredibly effective at reducing symptoms and enabling people to regain control of their lives.

What’s the best way for me to manage false attraction in OCD?

Undergoing exposure and response prevention (ERP) therapy with a specialty-trained ERP therapist is the best course of treatment for OCD.

ERP with a trained therapist is the gold standard of treatment for OCD, has been empirically validated by decades of clinical research, and has been found to be effective in helping most people with OCD manage their symptoms long-term. Through ERP, you can break the cycle of OCD and find relief from your OCD symptoms.

People who struggle with false attraction will work with their therapist to build what’s called an exposure hierarchy and begin confronting their fears and doubts one trigger at a time. Usually, an ERP therapist will start with an exposure that is predicted to elicit a low level of fear and work up to the harder exposures—ones that elicit greater levels of fear and anxiety. Examples of possible exposures done to treat OCD focused on false attraction may include:

• Writing about the worst-case scenario of your attraction being real and reading it aloud each day
• Spending time with a friend you worry you may be attracted to, without confessing your thoughts or asking for reassurance after
• Reading articles about couples divorcing due to unfaithfulness

ERP teaches us how to tolerate doubt, and leaning into this uncertainty is the only way to move past the fear. You can’t be sure that your feelings of attraction aren’t real. They may be. But this doesn’t mean you have to act on them or that they have to guide your life.

You can start feeling better today

False attraction can be incredibly confusing to experience, so if you’re ruminating or self-questioning, you’re not alone. 

If you’re experiencing disturbing doubts or worries about your attraction that are getting in the way of the life you want to live, there is effective treatment available. A qualified specialist will be equipped to work with you to overcome all your OCD symptoms—even especially distressing ones like false attraction.