What if I’m actually gay? What if I find myself attracted to someone of the same gender for the first time? Do I fit into a label or am I just going through a phase?
These questions and many others are common for people exploring their sexuality—a normal and often a positive aspect of self-discovery.
After all, sexuality is a complex and multifaceted part of identity. People may find that their attractions shift or evolve as they gain new experiences, making questioning a natural and ongoing part of their lives. “It’s incredibly common to question and explore,” says therapist and NOCD’s Chief Clinical Officer Dr. Patrick McGrath.
In other words: While questioning your sexuality can feel like an isolating experience, you’re far from alone. Keep reading to find out why you might be questioning your sexuality—and how you can get help if it’s bringing high levels of distress to your life.
What is sexuality?
Sexuality generally refers to who a person is attracted to and can include a wide range of sexual orientations.
While heterosexual, gay, lesbian, and bisexual identities are perhaps the most commonly discussed identities, there are many, many others. For instance, people who are attracted to all individuals regardless of sex or gender often identify as omnisexual. They are considered part of the multisexuality category, along with people who are pansexual and polysexual.
It’s important to note that many people feel like they don’t fit into one definable category or label. Sexuality is also not static; it can change over time.
Why am I questioning my sexuality?
It’s worth repeating: Questioning your sexuality is not a bad thing. In fact, it can be very healthy to question and examine your identities throughout your lifetime (not just the sexual ones).
For some, having a fluid or “uncertain” sexuality may actually be a core part of their identity that they embrace and love. For others, it may feel painful and difficult. It can be uncomfortable to feel like you “don’t know who you are.”
In some cases, it’s possible the questioning of your sexuality has more to do with the question of whether or not you want to come out to others—or even to yourself. April Kilduff, MA, LCPC, LMHC, a specialist in obsessive-compulsive and anxiety disorders says that “this is often the part that takes a long time.” You may know your sexuality but not know how to actually live it.
What does it really mean to question your sexuality?
Questioning can occur at any age as you have more life experiences. Here are some of the questions you might ask yourself:
- What feelings do I have towards different genders?
- Have I ever felt attracted to someone of the same gender? If so, what did that feel like?
- How do I feel about my past relationships? Were they fulfilling?
- Am I feeling pressure from society, friends, or family regarding my sexual orientation?
- Do any labels resonate with my sexuality (bisexual, lesbian, queer, etc.)?
- Have my feelings or attractions changed over time?
- What fears do I have in regards to sexual orientation?
Questioning your sexuality does not mean:
- You don’t love your partner or you should break up (if you’re in a relationship)
- You’re lying to yourself about who you are
- You have to find a category or a label that you definitely fit into
- You have to figure out your sexuality immediately and the question must be “solved”
- What you’re feeling is “right” or “wrong”
When figuring out questions about sexuality becomes an actual obsession
Although it’s normal to ask questions about your sexual orientation, when thoughts become persistent and obsessive, cause significant distress, and interfere with day-to-day life, you might be experiencing sexual orientation OCD (SO-OCD), a subtype of obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD).
While people without OCD may question their sexuality but not chase 100% certainty, people with OCD feel an undeniable need to know for sure. The thing is, you can never be absolutely, beyond-a-shadow-of-doubt certain—of practically anything, including of your sexuality.
Still, the OCD mind will spark intrusive thoughts—aka obsessions—that demand certainty. They often sound like the following:
How can I be absolutely certain…
…that my sexual thought about someone else besides my partner doesn’t mean I should leave my own spouse?
…that I’m not gay/straight/fill-in-the-blank?
…that I won’t wake up one day and realize my entire sexuality has been a lie?
“We’re not pathologizing questioning,” explains McGrath. “We’re really pathologizing the level of doubt that OCD creates. Someone with OCD is never going to find an answer that is going to keep them feeling fulfilled.”
Another factor that distinguishes OCD from the mere questioning of your sexuality is the presence of compulsions. When people with OCD have an intrusive thought about their sexuality, they engage in behaviors or mental acts done in an attempt to gain reassurance about their sexuality or escape the discomfort that obsessive thoughts bring.
Let’s look at some common obsessions and compulsions.
Common SO-OCD obsessions:
- Fears that you are in denial about your sexuality and somehow repressing your true feelings (I looked at this guy’s biceps at the gym. Does that mean I’m gay?)
- Worries about losing your identity if your sexual orientation is different from the one you’ve always related to (What if I’m not who I thought I was?)
- Concerns that you will identify with another sexual orientation and your current relationship will be ruined (What if I’m secretly lying to my partner about my sexuality?)
- A hyper-awareness of physical reactions including groinal response, a feeling of arousal in the groin area (I got aroused by a queer sex scene in a movie—what does that mean about my sexuality?)
Common SO-OCD compulsions:
- Rumination: analyzing past interactions to see if you were attracted to someone
- Seeking reassurance: asking your partner, friends, and family for confirmation about your sexuality
- Mental review: Going through behaviors, thoughts, and interactions to check if you acted in a way that could signal another sexual orientation
- Avoidance: avoiding people, places, situations, and things that you associate with another sexuality
- Checking physical sensations: watching pornography to see if you get a physical reaction or check if you’re aroused
- Praying: praying for clarity about your sexuality or praying “to not be gay”
- Excessive online research: Looking up what it’s like to be a certain sexuality and seeing if you have similar experiences
Am I questioning my sexuality or is it SO-OCD?
While the best way to know for sure if OCD is at play is to see a therapist who specializes in the condition, here’s a cheat sheet you can use:
- May have thoughts about their sexual orientation, recognize it as inconsistent with who they are, and move on with their day
- Has a thought about their sexuality piques their interest, so they take it as something to think about, without feeling particularly distressed or anxious
- Doesn’t rely on compulsions to “escape” their thoughts about their sexuality
Someone with SO-OCD:
- Has a thought about their sexual orientation that seems inconsistent with who they are, and spirals into obsessions, unable to move on with their day
- Becomes highly anxious and feels a desperate, urgent need to find “the right answer” to their intrusive thoughts immediately
- Turns to compulsions for a sense of certainty or relief
Questioning your sexuality doesn’t have to cause so much distress. A trained therapist can help you feel better.
How to get help if you’re questioning your sexuality
If you’re questioning your sexuality, remind yourself that this journey doesn’t require immediate answers or labels. Take your time to understand your feelings, and allow yourself the freedom to change and evolve.
Keep in mind that questioning your sexuality is not an issue that needs to be “fixed.” That said, it’s normal to want some outside help to navigate the process of questioning your sexuality and/or to come out. You can look for a cognitive behavioral therapist that specializes in working with LGBTQIA+ populations. It can be helpful to request a brief consultation with them before scheduling to ensure that they are affirming of all identities.
If OCD is driving your intrusive thoughts about your sexuality, a different form of therapy is needed. OCD is a chronic condition so there is no “cure.” However, intrusive thoughts about sexuality can be drastically reduced using a specific type of therapy known as exposure and response prevention (ERP). ERP was created specifically for OCD and it’s an evidence-based treatment, meaning that extensive research has proven it’s effective.
ERP is an active form of therapy and requires participation in exposures, or exercises that help you face your intrusive thoughts head on. That’s why it’s best to do ERP with a licensed therapist who specializes in OCD and can support you through the process.
ERP is tailored to your unique needs, but it might look like:
- Hanging up a rainbow Pride flag
- Thinking of the most attractive celebrities of the gender you’re worried you’re attracted to and looking at pictures of them
- Writing down scenarios, such as, “If I’m actually straight, then…” and reading it back to yourself
When the feelings of discomfort arise, your therapist will help you develop response prevention techniques so you don’t have to resort to compulsive behaviors to escape the distress. This is what breaks the obsessive-compulsive cycle of OCD.
Note that the goal of treatment is not to discourage you from questioning or exploring your sexuality. Rather, ERP aims to help you be okay with ambiguity. In fact, ERP tends to help people gain a greater ability and motivation to explore their sexuality further, without the pressure of needing to feel certain.
“We want to normalize the fluidity of sexuality, and the fact that finding someone attractive doesn’t have to mean that you are not the orientation that you are,” explains McGrath. “OCD has these very stereotypical norms, which no one can fully achieve. No one can be straight enough, gay enough, bi enough, or trans enough for OCD.”
The bottom line
Questioning your sexuality is normal. When it leads to more self-awareness and authenticity, it brings you closer to living the life you were meant to live. But when “figuring it out” is causing you distress, you don’t have to manage on your own. Qualified therapists can help.