Why did they cheat?
Will it happen again?
Is there something wrong with me?
Could I have done something differently?
Should I leave them?
Being cheated on can be a shocking and painful experience. Overthinking your partner’s infidelity is a completely understandable reaction—after all, someone you deeply care about has shattered your trust.
However, if you’re turning events over and over in your mind to the point where it’s harming your mental health, it’s time to take a closer look at how and why you’re overthinking. This repetitive thought pattern, known as rumination, can be connected to mental health conditions like depression, anxiety, and obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD). Rumination can be painful, but with the right form of therapy, it’s possible to stop overthinking.
In this article, we’ll take a closer look at why infidelity consequences can lead to destructive overthinking, how you can stop, and what help is available to you.
Why am I overthinking being cheated on?
Being cheated on and experiencing betrayal can impact your ability to feel safe. As a result, you might search for answers in order to get some level of control or certainty. That’s your brain’s way of trying to protect you from something similar happening again.
In the mental health field, rumination is defined by contemplating the same thoughts, ideas, and questions, over and over again, sometimes for hours each day. Not surprisingly, infidelity and rumination can often go hand in hand.
These factors can make rumination more likely:
- Low self-esteem. If you already have a negative self-image, being cheated on can make you doubt yourself even more. “You may begin to ruminate on all of your negative traits, and how they may or may not have contributed to the infidelity,” says Kimberley Quinlan, LMFT. Your overthinking might include self-criticism, self-punishment, and negative self-talk.
- A history of trauma. “A past history of trauma—such as abusive relationships—can definitely exacerbate any new trauma like cheating,” says Kelsey Thompson, LMFT. “Infidelity rips away your sense of security and normalcy, and causes significant grief.” So if trauma has made you feel unlovable, unworthy, or unsafe, being cheated on can exacerbate those emotions
- Infidelity in prior relationships. “Having a history of being cheated on one or more times is more likely to lead to self-esteem struggles that can exacerbate overthinking,” explains Thompson. You might wonder if there’s something wrong with you that’s causing it to keep happening.
- Anxiety. If you generally experience a lot of anxiety, such as an anxiety disorder, relationship anxiety, or an anxious attachment style, being cheated on can add fuel to the fire. You may “feel highly anxious that you will continue to be abandoned or betrayed in the future,” says Quinlan.
- Depression. This condition can use your experience as “proof” that you’re somehow bad, faulty, or unlovable. “You might spiral into severe negative self-talk about yourself, the world around you, and your future,” Quinlan explains.
- OCD. If you have obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), experiencing infidelity may trigger obsessions, which are intrusive thoughts, feelings, images or urges that you try to alleviate with compulsions, such as rumination. “Realistically, everybody overthinks if they’re cheated on, but with OCD, you’ll probably carry it a little further than most,” says Tracie Ibrahim, LMFT, CST, Chief Compliance Officer at NOCD. You may overthink to try to find certainty in a situation where you ultimately won’t find any.
How can I stop overthinking?
“You don’t have to figure out why you were cheated on. The fact is that you were, and you may never understand why,” says Ibrahim. Overthinking might seem like a way to find answers, but you can’t change the past, and ruminating on it can do more harm than good.
Here’s how to stop ruminating.
1. Recognize when you’re overthinking
This step may seem obvious, but it’s easier to miss than you might think. Overthinking can become automatic, and you may not even realize you’re doing it.
Quinlan suggests making an “awareness log” where you keep track of every incidence of overthinking. Log where you are, what you were doing, and any possible triggers. This can help you recognize patterns that lead to overthinking so you can prepare for these situations in advance and remind yourself not to overthink.
2. Let go of “what if’s”
“When the question in your head starts with ‘what if,’ then don’t finish the question,” says Ibrahim. That’s because they tend to revolve around the past or the future, both of which you have no control over, so mulling over these questions is pointless at best.
“I always recommend focusing on what you do have control over,” she adds. “Be aware of your ‘what ifs’ and redirect your thoughts and focus to the present.” A mindfulness practice can help you diffuse from distressing thoughts, and realize thoughts aren’t facts—and that they don’t have any bearing on your future.
3. Practice attention training
Every time you start to overthink, bring your attention to what you’re doing right now. If you’re at work, draw your mind back to your assignments. If you’re walking, notice what’s around you, and how your feet feel on the ground. By turning your attention to the present, your brain will have less room to mull over the past and future.
This can be easier said than done, but it gets less challenging with time. “Think of this like a muscle that requires strengthening,” says Quinlan. “It can be very hard to start, but with practice, this muscle gets stronger.”
4. Get social support
Don’t be ashamed to tell a trusted friend about what you’re going through. Confiding in friends and family can help you process your emotions. And even being around people you trust and who support you can help you get out of your head. “Surround yourself with people who make you feel better, and ask them to check in with you,” says Ibrahim. “And be sure to get out and do things that you would normally do.”
5. Take care of yourself
Make a conscious effort to get proper nutrition, physical activity, and sleep. That way, your brain has the fuel necessary to resist your urges to overthink. You could also adopt relaxation techniques like yoga and meditation—and lean into your hobbies or try out new ones. When you’re absorbed in activities like these, your brain will be less likely to overthink.
6. Work on your trust issues
Being cheated on can make you wonder if you’ll ever be able to trust again. It can be tough—there’s no doubt about that—but reaching a point where you’re able to trust again is crucial for healthy relationships. The most important thing? “Allow time and space to heal,” says Ibrahim. After emotionally being ripped into shreds, your trust won’t rebuild itself overnight.
If you plan to stay with your partner, each of you will have to recognize any behaviors that have affected your relationship. You should also be clear about what you need to move forward—for example, for your partner to cut all contact with the other person involved in the cheating, or more transparency in your relationship. Couples therapy can also be key.
“It’s important that both partners consciously decide to make the relationship their priority,” explains Quinlan. A couples counselor—ideally one who specializes in affair recovery work—might help you and your partner communicate and move forward more effectively.
For the relationship to work, you’ll also need to be willing to stop punishing your partner for their infidelity. And counseling can help with that process.
If you’re moving forward without your partner, “it’s important to work on the insecurities that the cheating brought up with you,” says Thompson. That way, you can avoid bringing them into future relationships. Working one-on-one with a therapist can be a big help in this process.
7. Rebuild your self-esteem
Being cheated on can be a real blow to your self-esteem. You might feel like you’re not good enough, otherwise your partner would have remained faithful. But Thompson says the reality is that infidelity says more about your partner, or the overall relationship dynamic, than it does about you as a person.
Perhaps your partner has low self-esteem or self-control, so they jumped at the opportunity for attention. Or maybe they didn’t feel like they were getting their needs met. “If that’s the case, your partner could have communicated and worked to fix this before stepping out. That isn’t on you!” she says. “With time spent working on insecurities, trauma, and the internal narrative you have, as well as self compassion, you can heal.”
With time spent working on insecurities, trauma, and the internal narrative you have, as well as self compassion, you can heal.
Find the right OCD therapist for you
All our therapists are licensed and trained in exposure and response prevention therapy (ERP), the gold standard treatment for OCD.
Getting additional mental health support
Reaching out for additional mental health support is a good idea during big changes in life, especially after a shocking and painful event like infidelity. “If a long time has passed and you’re still really focused on the situation, and are finding you’re unable to move on, seek help from a mental health professional,” says Ibrahim.
Mental health conditions that can be tied to overthinking include:
Depression
Depression is a disorder that involves persistent symptoms of depressed mood that last for at least two weeks. You might feel sad, empty, worthless, or hopeless—or other negative emotions.
The solution? Seeing a therapist who specializes in depression. Many cases are treated with cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), which may involve “developing healthy coping skills, a new routine, and learning ways to accept your thoughts and not let them take over,” says Thompson. In some cases, an antidepressant may also help.
Anxiety
With this condition, you have feelings of worry, fear, and anxiety that can interfere with everyday life. And that can cause you to be more likely to overthink after being cheated on.
For generalized anxiety disorder (GAD), treatment would center on recognizing repetitive thoughts about worry and infidelity and learn to engage in realistic self-talk.
OCD
OCD revolves around obsessions (distressing thoughts that won’t go away) and compulsions (what you do to try to feel better). Obsessions can revolve around almost anything, including relationships.
Cheating is a stressful life event that can either trigger the onset of OCD, make your existing OCD worse, or integrate itself into your current obsessions and compulsions. If you’ve been cheated on, you might develop obsessions like:
- Am I at fault?
- Can I trust my partner?
- Will this happen again?
These are doubts that can happen to anyone, but they may be constant and severe if you have OCD.
To cope with these obsessions, you may perform compulsions, such as:
- Ruminating
- Checking the social media of your partner and/or the person they cheated with
- Researching online about infidelity
- Reviewing past interactions
- Asking for reassurance from future partners that they won’t betray you
The solution is to stop doing compulsions, which is the core of a treatment called exposure and response prevention (ERP) therapy. It’s the gold-standard treatment for OCD and has been found to be effective for up to 80% of patients.
In ERP, you’ll gradually confront situations that you find triggering through a process known as exposures. You’ll learn how to tolerate your obsessions without performing compulsions, a process known as response prevention.
In the case of overthinking infidelity, ERP might provoke the thoughts and fears that cause you to overthink—like “what if I get cheated on again in the future?”—and teach you how to resist urges to ruminate or do other compulsions such as checking social media. All of this is done under the guidance of a qualified ERP therapist.
Over time, you learn to live with confidence despite the uncertainty that comes with any relationship — and you won’t feel the need to overthink.
Healing and moving forward
If you choose to break up with your partner, Ibrahim suggests taking time to process what happened to you and get into a good mental space before entering another relationship. “You may never understand why you were cheated on, but you do know that it’s not something you’re willing to tolerate in a relationship, and you deserve better,” she explains.
If you are committed to working things out with your partner after they cheated, then it’s crucial that they admit and take responsibility for their actions. “Both partners should also explore what it’ll take to rebuild trust and transparency,” says Quinlan.
Either way, Ibrahim underscores the importance of giving yourself space and time to heal, figuring out what’s important to you in life and your relationships, and surrounding yourself with people and activities that make you happy. All of these things can quiet your overthinking and help you move forward in a healthier way.
Key takeaways
- Overthinking after being cheated on is common, but when you can’t stop ruminating, it can be harmful to your mental health.
- Low self-esteem, past trauma, or prior infidelity can intensify rumination and feelings of insecurity.
- Rumination and asking for reassurance can be a sign of OCD, a mental health condition that can be treated with exposure and response prevention therapy.
- If you feel like you are unable to stop overthinking being cheated on, there is no shame in reaching out for help from a therapist.