First-date nerves and how to ease them

First dates are stressful, no matter who you are. In fact, one poll found that the majority of single people said first dates are even more nerve-wracking than public speaking, job interviews, and money troubles. There are just so many unknowns. What are we supposed to talk about? What if this person finds me unattractive? What if I can never commit?

The truth is that dating may never be easy. But it can be easier. We spoke to NOCD’s Chief Clinical Officer, Patrick McGrath, PhD, about some of the reasons that you might be feeling first-date anxiety—and what you can do to overcome it. “It’s totally normal to be nervous about a first date,” he says. “But if you can recognize where that nervousness might be coming from, you’ll be better able to manage it.”

What causes first date anxiety?

First date anxiety can happen for many reasons. Here are some factors that Dr. McGrath hears about in his practice:

You have a fear of judgment. First dates can make you feel like you’re under a microscope. “If you’re afraid of evaluation, you’re going to fear first dates because you’ll be measured physically, mentally, and socially,” says Dr. McGrath.
You have poor self-esteem. “If you don’t think very highly of yourself, you might believe someone wants to date you out of pity, or that the person doesn’t really care about you. You’ll come up with all the negative reasons that it’s not going to work out,” says Dr. McGrath.
You have performance anxiety. Sometimes, the need to do well—whether it’s at a job, a sport, or a date—can make you really nervous. It can cause you to overthink and second-guess yourself.
You’ve had bad relationship experiences. For example, if your parents didn’t have a good relationship, you could be constantly looking for signs that your own relationships could end up the same way. And the opposite can also be true: “If your parents had a great partnership, you might think, ‘My relationship with this person isn’t going to be like theirs, so why even continue to go out with them?’” says Dr. McGrath.
You have a mental health condition. “If you experience anxiety, depression, or obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), you may tell yourself, ‘Wow, I really suck at this. This is awful. They hate me,’” says Dr. McGrath. There are a variety of ways that mental health challenges can make dating especially anxiety-inducing.

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9 ways to calm first-date nerves

These expert strategies can ease some of your first-date anxiety, so you can relax, enjoy the moment, and be yourself (spoiler alert: that’s the last tip). Here’s what Dr. McGrath suggests:

Practice. It might sound silly, but you can practice an interaction before it happens—sort of like a mock interview. You can do this with a trusted friend or therapist. “You don’t have to just wing it on a first date,” says Dr. McGrath. “There’s nothing wrong with practicing in advance. It doesn’t make it a less real experience.”
Make a list of conversation topics. If you’re worried about uncomfortable silences or running out of questions to ask, prepare a list beforehand. You can even tell your date about it by saying something like, “I wanted to make sure I didn’t forget the things I’m curious to learn about you, so I wrote them down.”
Decide what dating means to you. “Is dating dressing up and going out to meet someone?” asks Dr. McGrath. “Or is it having them come over, ordering a pizza, and sitting on the couch and watching Netflix? Or maybe it’s online dating.” Being clear about your expectations can help alleviate some of your anxiety about the unknowns.
Pick a familiar place or activity. It could be your favorite local coffee shop, or a bowling alley—whatever feels comfortable to you. Some of the unknowns of first dates are outside of your control, but where you go on your date is in your control.
Establish boundaries for yourself. Maybe you want to limit texting before and after your date, or decide to go home (alone) right after dinner. Having boundaries gives you an idea of what to expect, and lets you know that there is a beginning and end to the first date.
Hype yourself up pre-date. Play music that makes you feel confident and upbeat. Light your favorite candle. Tell yourself how amazing you are, and that any person would be lucky to date you.
Don’t expect perfection. No interaction is “perfect,” period—and that’s especially true with a first date. “It doesn’t have to end with ‘we love each other and we’re going to get married,’” says Dr. McGrath. “It might end with ‘I have no idea how I feel about this person, but I’m willing to see if there’s a chance,’ or ‘I’ve decided that I don’t want to, actually.’”
Be kind to yourself. You’re human, and it’s okay if you have awkward moments, or don’t show up as the best version of yourself on your first date. And remember: Your date is likely feeling nervous and vulnerable too.
Be yourself. “You want someone to be with you because they like who you are—not a persona. So be you,” Dr. McGrath says. “You don’t have to be the most impressive person in the entire world.”

Still having anxiety around first dates?

In some cases, first-date anxiety can be more than just a simple case of nerves. And there are a couple of mental health conditions to know about if your dating stress is particularly intense or debilitating.

The first to know about is social anxiety disorder, which makes you feel constantly afraid of being judged, humiliated, or negatively perceived by others. You may be intensely anxious about one-on-one interactions, and/or group situations, like parties or public speaking. As a result, you might even avoid dating in general, or resist setting up “official” dates for a long time.

Dating and OCD

The second condition that could be tied to severe first-date anxiety is OCD. It involves unwanted intrusive thoughts, doubts, or urges called obsessions—such as “What if?” questions that you just can’t shake. You might think:

What if I’m meant to be alone, and I’m just leading my date on?

What if I’m wrong about sexual orientation, and I end up hurting them?

I just know this is going to end one day—I won’t be the one for them.

I’m going to say the wrong thing.

These intrusive thoughts bring extreme distress in the form of anxiety, panic, fear, embarrassment, shame, or other uncomfortable feelings. As a result, you engage in mental or physical compulsions to try to alleviate your anxiety, “solve” your intrusive thoughts, or make sure your fears don’t come true. For example, you might spend hours trying to think of everything that could possibly go wrong on your first date—and making plans about how to prevent those bad things from happening. Other times, you could even end up canceling entirely, because your doubts and worries are just too stressful.

Getting treatment for first-date anxiety

The good news is that social anxiety and OCD are both highly treatable with a specialized type of therapy called Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP) therapy. Not all therapists are trained in ERP, but i. So when you’re looking for professional help, make sure this modality of treatment is in their wheelhouse.

ERP works by gradually exposing you to the things that trigger your fears—and then learning how to change your response to them. Over time, you learn how to manage your fears and accept uncertainty. You may still have distressing thoughts and doubts, but ERP can help you acknowledge them without reacting—and make them less frequent and intense. Exposures for first-date anxiety could look like:

Looking at a photo of two people on a first date
Watching a scene from a movie where something embarrassing happens on a date
Reading an article about worst first date stories
Actually going on a first date

You’ll never be forced to do anything you’re not ready for, and ERP is a highly collaborative process. However, your therapist will continuously cheer you on and encourage you to step outside of your comfort zone so you can start dating with greater comfort and confidence.

The bottom line about first-date nerves

You are not alone in your jitters, and there are plenty of practical things you can do to help mitigate them. Does that mean your anxiety will go away completely? Maybe not. And that’s okay. However, if you’re constantly feeling distress because of your nerves—or you simply want help working through it—know that help is available for you. A licensed mental health professional can get you to a place where fear doesn’t run your life, including your dating life.