The word “cheating” can mean many things, but when it comes to relationships, it is typically defined as the act of someone crossing the romantic, emotional, or sexual boundaries they’ve established with their partner(s). Cheating, or infidelity, is a selfish act that can devastate any romantic relationship. That being said, it’s a common relationship worry for many people. However, a fear of cheating can easily cross over from typical relationship anxiety to something more concerning.
If you’re feeling consumed by a fear of getting cheated on or being the cheater, continue reading to learn more about this fear and its potential ties to mental health conditions like phobias and a subtype of obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) known as relationship OCD (ROCD).
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What is a fear of cheating?
The fear of cheating is usually an intense fear or anxiety about being cheated on or being the cheater.
When it comes to a fear of cheating, it’s easy for some people to immediately think about it solely as an intense fear or anxiety about being cheated on. However, you could also have a fear of betraying your partner. You may worry that you’ll end up doing something inappropriate with someone outside your relationship, ultimately breaching the trust between you and your partner.
People who fear cheating may ask themselves questions like, ‘What if my partner, whom I love dearly, is cheating on me? I would never want to jeopardize my relationship, but what if I cheat in the future?’
Is it normal to have a fear of cheating?
Absolutely. Given how infidelity is a common theme in entertainment, news, and social media, it is common for people to experience a fear of being cheated on or cheating to a degree.
This is also a pretty normal fear if someone’s experienced cheating in the past. Maybe you’ve been betrayed by a partner before, and that fear is still lingering in your mind. Ultimately, cheating is a big breach of trust for many people, so it’s understandable to carry these concerns into your current relationship. “If someone’s ever been cheated on, they could have insecurities,” says Tracie Zinman-Ibrahim, MA, LMFT, CST, Chief Compliance Officer at NOCD.
When does a fear of cheating become more serious?
When these fears of cheating interfere with the way you intend to conduct your life and relationship(s), it can be a sign of an issue like OCD or a phobia. Maybe you’ve discussed your worries with your partner or sought counseling for guidance, but despite your efforts, you continue to ruminate on the “what ifs” and just can’t seem to overcome this fear.
“If cheating has never happened, and you’re just worried about being cheated on or cheating on somebody, and you’re obsessing about it, then it’s probably crossing the line into something concerning,” says Zinman-Ibrahim.
If cheating has never happened, and you’re just worried about being cheated on or cheating on somebody, and you’re obsessing about it, then it’s probably crossing the line into something concerning.
Tracie Zinman-Ibrahim, MA, LMFT, CST
Pistanthrophobia
Specific phobias are a type of anxiety disorder that causes intense, irrational fears about something that poses little or no danger. People with specific phobias often perform safety behaviors, which are actions done in an attempt to prevent something bad from happening. A specific phobia associated with severe cheating anxiety is pistanthrophobia.
Pistanthrophobia is the fear of trusting people in relationships. Building trust in intimate relationships is a personal, individual process that can take more time for some than others. People with pistanthrophobia are generally afraid of getting close to an intimate partner, a fear that can be rooted in past experiences.
Some examples of safety behaviors revolving around a fear of cheating could include:
- Avoiding conversations or interactions with someone who could be a potential love interest.
- Being standoffish or guarded around others.
- Ignoring attempts by someone who is trying to flirt with you.
Relationship OCD
Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) is a highly treatable mental health condition characterized by obsessions and compulsions. Obsessions are intrusive thoughts, images, urges, and feelings that cause fear and anxiety. Compulsions are physical or mental actions performed to relieve distress from obsessions or to prevent something awful from happening.
Relationship OCD may also cause a persistent worry about cheating—which is why some people call it “cheating OCD.” This OCD subtype can cause recurrent intrusive thoughts and compulsions tied to relationships. People with ROCD are constantly questioning every aspect of their partnership because they want the reassurance that their relationship is secure.
“With relationship OCD, you have an excessive amount of fears and concerns about whether your partner is right for you,” says Zinman-Ibrahim. “If they’re not, would that make you cheat?”
If you have ROCD with a fear of cheating, you might have thoughts like, “If I look at somebody when they walk by, and I think they’re attractive, does that mean that I’m cheating or about to cheat?” says Zinman-Ibrahim. “You start trying to put things together that don’t make any sense and turn it into a cheating scenario.”
If I look at somebody when they walk by, and I think they’re attractive, does that mean that I’m cheating or about to cheat? You start trying to put things together that don’t make any sense and turn it into a cheating scenario.
Tracie Zinman-Ibrahim, MA, LMFT, CST
Common triggers
People with an intense fear of cheating may find that their obsessions are triggered by situations involving their partner, previous partners, their partner’s previous relationships, and any settings where they feel out of control.
Potential circumstances that may trigger obsessions about cheating include:
- Interacting with someone they find attractive.
- Experiences where they cannot remember details or events.
- Watching or listening to content about cheating.
- Seeing text messages on their phone or partner’s phone.
- Someone smiling at them or making eye contact with them who isn’t their partner.
- Seeing someone else with their partner.
- Having dreams about you or your partner cheating.
- Thinking about someone else during intimate moments with their partner.
Common obsessions about cheating
If you have cheating OCD, you may have intrusive thoughts like:
- What if I unintentionally cheat?
- What if I actually want to cheat?
- What if I cheat on my partner in the future?
- What if I cheated and can’t remember?
- What if my partner is cheating on me?
- What if my partner cheats on me someday?
- What if I lose control and do something I regret?
Common compulsions
To get rid of these obsessions regarding cheating, you may perform compulsions, such as:
- Avoiding conversations or eye contact with people who aren’t your partner.
- Over-analyzing conversations and interactions.
- Checking to see if you’ve had a groinal response to someone who’s not your partner.
- Mental checking for past memories you may have forgotten.
- Avoiding drinking or using substances.
- Seeking constant reassurance from others that you haven’t cheated.
- Asking for constant reassurance from your partner that they haven’t cheated.
- Checking photos and videos from past events to ensure you or your partner didn’t cheat.
- Avoiding TV shows or movies about cheating.
- Constantly ruminating and trying to “figure out” if you or your partner is cheating.
How can I tell if it’s cheating OCD and not typical relationship concerns, anxiety, or cautiousness?
People with OCD who fear cheating may face repetitive, persistent doubts about relationships—even in the healthiest of partnerships with no identifiable threat of infidelity.
“The hallmark of OCD is recurrent doubt, over and over again,” says Taylor Newendorp, MA, LCPC, Network Clinical Training Director at NOCD. “That doubt usually attaches itself to something that’s really meaningful to the individual, such as their relationships.”
So, how can you tell if you’re experiencing normal relationship anxiety or cheating OCD? Newendorp says discerning anxiety from OCD has to do with your level of distress, compulsive behaviors, and the time involved in your experiences.
“The fears of cheating become a sign of OCD when they are consuming at least an hour of the person’s day on average,” he says. “Additionally, OCD may be at play when the person is actively trying to ‘solve’ their fears, causing an ongoing level of distress that’s starting to impair their functioning, and even their relationship itself.”
People trying to “solve” their OCD-related fear of cheating may find themselves engaging in compulsions in a repeated attempt to feel safe or reassured.
The fears of cheating become a sign of OCD when they are consuming at least an hour of the person’s day on average. Additionally, OCD may be at play when the person is actively trying to ‘solve’ their fears, causing an ongoing level of distress that’s starting to impair their functioning, and even their relationship itself.
Taylor Newendorp, MA, LCPC
How can I tell if my fear of cheating is OCD or a specific phobia?
As you may have already noticed, phobias are somewhat similar to OCD. However, it’s important to understand that they are completely different mental health conditions.
Pistantrophobia can develop from a previous experience where someone may have felt betrayed in their romantic relationship. Because of this bad experience, they perform safety behaviors to prevent it from happening again.
When it comes to OCD, these fears are completely unrelated to a past event. But, because they worry that cheating might happen, they feel the urge to do compulsions to feel more secure about their relationship.
Additionally, people with OCD who fear cheating may be very close with their partner, but become hyper-focused on this one fear, whereas pistanthrophobia often involves a web of intimacy-related fears, from difficulty opening up emotionally to questioning a partner’s motives.
Seeking help for cheating OCD and pistanthrophobia
If you suspect you have cheating OCD or pistanthrophobia, the best way to get a handle on your symptoms is with therapy. Exposure and response prevention (ERP) therapy is a type of therapy backed by decades of research proving its effectiveness. This specialized therapy is the most effective treatment for these mental health disorders, with 80% of people with OCD and 80-90% of people with phobias seeing major improvements. You’ll work with a licensed therapist specializing in ERP to develop a personalized treatment plan to overcome or manage your fear of cheating.
ERP comprises two components: exposures and response prevention techniques. With the guidance of your therapist, you’ll gradually be exposed to what triggers your fears. An example of a potential exposure exercise you might do is imaginary scripting. “You might write a script on cheating or being cheated on,” says Zinman-Ibrahim. “Or, you may write some uncertainty statements, such as ‘I may or may not be cheated on. I may or may not cheat on my partner.’”
Your therapist will also teach you response prevention techniques, which are strategies that help you learn to sit with the uncertainty your obsessions can bring without responding with safety behaviors or compulsions. “We’ll have you resist the compulsions, such as checking, seeking reassurance, looking online, and checking people’s phones, and learn to cut those out,” says Zinman-Ibrahim.
Over time, you will learn to better tolerate the uncertainty that comes with relationships—and life in general—without engaging in compulsions that only make the OCD cycle worse over time.
“With treatment, people see that distress associated with fear starts to come down,” says Newendorp. “Over time, the more they’re not responding to it in a compulsive manner to get immediate relief and gain a sense of certainty, the more they start to learn that these fears are just thoughts, and they’re not an actual threat.”
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Bottom line
Cheating can feel like the ultimate betrayal in a romantic relationship, so it makes sense that many people worry about it. However, there’s a stark difference between normal relationship anxiety and a persistent worry that impacts your day-to-day life. If there are no signs that your partner is unfaithful but your anxiety persists, it’s good to reach out to a therapist specializing in ERP to start your treatment journey.