If you’ve spent time on the internet lately, it’s likely you’ve come across the term “trauma bond”—a theory used to explain a seeming emotional attachment between a person and their abuser. Trauma bonding is not a clinical term, and can be a controversial concept. But, the dynamics it describes are important to unpack—especially if you’re feeling confused or distressed about your own relationships.
There are many reasons it can be difficult to gain clarity on what’s going on in a relationship. Shame can cause you to question your perceptions, and mental health conditions like post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD) can sometimes make it hard to accurately assess situations. In this article, we’ll explore the term “trauma bonding,” discuss ways to identify abuse and get help, and talk about how to gain clarity if you’re experiencing intrusive thoughts about abuse in relationships.
Understanding “trauma bonding”
“Trauma bonding” isn’t a clinical term; it’s a colloquial phrase that gained traction recently on social media. Some people use the phrase to refer to a connection formed between people who went through the same (or similar) traumatic experiences. The psychologists who coined the term, however, say that a trauma bond is the emotional attachment a person may feel for their abuser.
It’s important to note that this concept is somewhat controversial. Tracie Ibrahim, LMFT, CST, and chief compliance officer at NOCD, says that while it might seem like someone has formed a bond with the person responsible for their abuse, there are often other explanations at play. Read on to understand what may be going on.
Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)
Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is a condition that can develop after one experiences (or witnesses) a traumatic event. Traumatic events can occur as individual incidents or chronic experiences, like enduring years of abuse.
PTSD symptoms often include:
- Intrusive memories or flashbacks
- Changes in reactions, such as being easily startled or having increased hypervigilance
- Negative changes in mood and thinking
- Avoidance
- Physical symptoms
It’s not uncommon for PTSD to cause memory loss, which can make some people question their own experiences of abuse. Trauma also can impact your sense of self-worth. In some cases, gaps in memory and low self-esteem may cause people who have experienced abuse to self-blame. “Maybe [you stay] because…that’s what you think that you deserve,” Ibrahim says. From the outside, these dynamics can sometimes appear as a trauma bond.
Navigating an abusive situation also typically requires survival skills and coping mechanisms. A person may find that it’s easier to survive abuse if they attempt to keep their abuser in a good mood, for example. These efforts may seem like an emotional bond, when they’re really just a protective measure.
Finally, Ibrahim reminds us that emotional attachments can form prior to the onset of abuse. Someone may struggle to sever a bond to someone they previously felt safe around, even if the relationship dynamic has significantly changed.
Difficulty leaving an abusive situation
Abusive relationships can be complicated, and even dangerous to leave. You may fear retaliation from your abuser. Or, you may not feel you have a safe place to go. “Maybe you don’t have the resources financially,” Ibrahim explains.
Staying in an abusive situation doesn’t necessarily mean you’re emotionally bonded to your abuser. You may simply be struggling to find a safe exit strategy.
What to do if you’re worried about a trauma bond
If you’ve been hearing about trauma bonding on social media or in conversations with friends, you may find yourself worrying about this dynamic in your own life. Learning how to identify the signs of abuse can help you gain clarity on these concerns.
If you’re worried that you may be needlessly hyperfixating on ideas about trauma bonding and abuse, know that mental health conditions such as obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) can amplify fears about relationships. However, it’s crucial to understand the difference between intrusive thoughts caused by OCD and the ways trauma can trick us into questioning our own very real experiences.
In this next section, we’ll provide you with clarity on what abuse looks like, how to seek support, and how to determine whether intrusive thoughts may be interfering with your perception of reality.
How to identify abuse and get help
Abuse can be physical, emotional, verbal, sexual, or psychological. Some people might think it’s a sign of love to stay with a person through both good and bad times, but abuse is never an element of a healthy relationship. Any form of abuse can seriously impact your mental and physical wellbeing, as well as your safety. While healthy relationships are typically defined by mutual trust, respect for boundaries, open communication, and an ability to compromise, abusive relationships are characterized by power and control.
Signs of physical abuse include:
- Hitting
- Slapping
- Kicking
- Pulling hair
- Sexual harassment
- Sexual assault and rape
Signs of emotional and verbal abuse include:
- Threats
- Insults
- Manipulation
- Intimidation
- Excessive jealousy
- Constant monitoring
If you are experiencing abuse, know that it is not your fault.
Abuse can happen to anyone, and is never okay. If you’re unsure if you’re experiencing abuse, the National Domestic Violence Hotline can help you gain clarity and identify a safety plan. Seeking guidance from a therapist trained in PTSD can be especially helpful for long-term recovery.
Identifying intrusive thoughts
Is your mind spinning with constant, unwanted thoughts about the possibility that you’ve trauma bonded to a partner, parent, or boss? Do you find yourself constantly reviewing people’s actions for signs of abuse? Does it feel impossible to push these thoughts away, even when you’re tired of thinking about them? Abuse is real, and can be difficult to identify. But, if your thoughts feel inescapable and full of uncertainty, you may be dealing with OCD.
OCD is a mental health condition marked by two symptoms: obsessions and compulsions. Obsessions are intrusive thoughts, sensations, images, feelings, or urges that won’t leave your mind and cause significant anxiety or distress. Compulsions are repetitive behaviors or mental acts done in an attempt to neutralize obsessions.
Ibrahim says some people with OCD become fixated with the idea of trauma bonds, after coming across the phrase online. In response, they obsess over whether the theory applies to their relationships, and enact compulsions—such as scouring the internet for reassurance.
Understanding ROCD
It’s normal to experience some doubts about relationships, but if those doubts become all-consuming, you may be experiencing a subtype of OCD called relationship OCD (ROCD). ROCD is marked by recurrent, intrusive thoughts about close personal relationships. Potential ROCD obsessions might include:
- “How can I tell if I’m being gaslit?”
- “What if my partner has been manipulating me this whole time?”
- “What if I’ve been love bombing my partner?”
It’s crucial to note that these sorts of intrusive thoughts are not grounded in reality. In fact, OCD obsessions are ego-dystonic, meaning they’re typically out of sync with who you are and what you really believe. In contrast to PTSD intrusive memories, intrusive thoughts from OCD usually do not reflect real experiences.
It may feel helpful to dwell on your relationship questions, but intrusive thoughts don’t provide clarity. In order to understand what’s truly going on in your relationships—and address any potential problems—you need to first disrupt the cycle of obsessions and compulsions. “If you have a relationship problem, I’m going to treat that separately [from]…OCD treatment,” Ibrahim says.
Treating OCD
The most effective evidence-based treatment for OCD is exposure and response prevention (ERP) therapy, which works by slowly and intentionally exposing you to triggers that cause discomfort, while teaching you to resist compulsions.
For example, if you are obsessed with the idea of trauma bonding, and can’t stop googling articles about the topic in an effort to gain reassurance on your relationships, an ERP therapist might work with you to gradually limit the time you spend online each day. In doing so, you’d slowly learn to live with the discomfort of your uncertainty, eventually gaining the skills necessary to understand what’s really going on in your relationships. ERP exercises often trigger difficult feelings, but your therapist will be with you every step of the way to help manage emotions as they arise.
Know that it’s possible to experience both PTSD and OCD, and that the stress of an abusive situation can exacerbate the symptoms of OCD. If you are experiencing abuse, a therapist trained who specializes in ERP and OCD will be aware of these connections, and can work with you to help ease your obsessions and compulsions, so you can focus on removing yourself from any unsafe situations.
Find the right OCD therapist for you
All our therapists are licensed and trained in exposure and response prevention therapy (ERP), the gold standard treatment for OCD.
Bottom line
If you’re worried about trauma bonding, it’s essential to educate yourself on the signs of abuse and ways to get help. There are many reasons someone may seem to have developed a connection with their abuser, but relationship dynamics are not always as simple as they appear. If you’re concerned your worries about abuse may be clouded by repetitive, unwanted thoughts, it’s worth learning more about OCD, and ERP therapy.
Key takeaways
- Trauma bonding isn’t a clinical diagnosis, but a colloquial term that may refer to a variety of situations—often explained by PTSD.
- If you’re worried about trauma bonding, it’s essential to educate yourself on the signs of abusive relationships and ways to get help.
- Constant, intrusive thoughts about your relationship can be a sign of OCD.
- ERP is a highly effective treatment for managing intrusive thoughts, so you can navigate your relationships with more ease.
