Why do I think I’m ugly?

If you’ve ever stood in front of a mirror and thought to yourself, “Why am I so ugly?” you’re not alone. Many of us battle insecurities each and every day about our physical appearance. The beauty standard—influenced by social media personalities, celebrities, and the beauty industry—has told society what is attractive and what is not. If you don’t fit the mold of what is defined as “beautiful,” you may think you’re not attractive. 

Although feeling insecure about your looks is something many people deal with, if you’re experiencing significant distress that’s affecting your life, it could indicate a more serious issue, such as body dysmorphic disorder (BDD), an eating disorder, gender dysphoria, or obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD).

Keep reading to get a better understanding of why you may feel attractive and what you can do to rebuild your self-confidence.

Is it normal to think you look ugly?

Yes, it’s absolutely normal to not like the way you look. Tracie Zinman-Ibrahim, MA, CST, LMFT, NOCD’s Chief Compliance Officer, says that these feelings could stem from society’s unrealistic beauty standards.

“Society has a lot to do with it because beauty standards—especially in America—are unrealistic,” she says. “People in magazines and on TV tend to have a particular look, body shape, or certain features that are perpetuated.” Internalizing these standards, and feeling like you’re not living up to them, can be damaging to your self-esteem. 

Could feeling unattractive be a sign of a mental health disorder?

If you’re constantly spending an hour or more each day worrying about your looks or are repeatedly comparing yourself to other people, there could be some underlying mental health problems present, notes Zinman-Ibrahim. 

Below are some mental health conditions that can be associated with persistent feelings of unattractiveness. 

Body dysmorphic disorder (BDD)

Body dysmorphic disorder (BDD), also known as body dysmorphia or dysmorphophobia, is a mental health condition in which a person spends a significant amount of time worrying about “flaws” in their appearance—although these flaws are typically unnoticeable by others.  

Symptoms of BDD may include the following:

• Avoiding mirrors
• Constantly comparing yourself to others
• Excessive grooming or exercising
• Skin picking
• Repeatedly camouflaging yourself (covering up the “flaws” with makeup or clothing)

According to Zinman-Ibrahim, BDD could also involve getting interventions such as plastic surgery as a way to correct something you believe is unattractive about you. “It also involves avoiding going places because you don’t feel attractive enough,” she says.

Gender dysphoria 

Gender dysphoria, or gender incongruence, is an experience that Zinman-Ibrahim believes could be tied to a persistent worry about being ugly. Gender dysphoria is not a mental health disorder—it’s the recurring distress or impairment in a person’s life because of a conflict between their gender identity and their assigned sex at birth. 

“People with gender dysphoria feel that they’re in the wrong body or that their body’s ugly and not right for them,” says Zinman-Ibrahim. 

The American Psychological Association (APA) and the American Psychiatric Association (APA) lists the following as characteristics of gender dysphoria in adolescents and adults:

• Dealing with the pressure to behave a certain way that doesn’t align with your gender identity
• Feeling like there’s a mismatch between your experienced or expressed gender and your actual sex characteristics (e.g., reproductive organs, facial hair, chest hair, Adam’s apple, menstrual cycle, breasts, etc.)
• Desiring to change your sex characteristics because they don’t align with how you perceive your gender identity
• Wanting to obtain the sex characteristics of or be another gender
• Believing that you have the typical feelings and reactions of another gender
• Withholding feelings of nonconformity out of fear of rejection or confusion
• Having a lack of awareness of the option to identify as transgender and gender nonconforming (TGNC)
• Experiencing significant distress or impairment because your gender does not match the sex you were assigned at birth

Eating disorders

Eating disorders could also be linked to feeling ugly. An eating disorder is an umbrella term for various conditions that cause severe disturbances in a person’s eating behaviors, thoughts, and emotions. Also, being preoccupied with food, your body weight, and shape could indicate an eating disorder. 

There are several types of eating disorders, but the most common are:

• Anorexia nervosa. An eating disorder characterized by severe calorie restriction and low body weight.
• Bulimia nervosa. An eating disorder that involves episodes of overeating (binging) followed by throwing up (purging) or fasting.
• Binge-eating disorder. An eating disorder in which someone compulsively overeats in short periods.

According to Zinman-Ibrahim, eating disorders typically involve the following behaviors:

• Intense fear of gaining weight
• Restricting food
• Eating and then vomiting
• Excessively exercising
• Excessively weighing or measuring yourself
• Repeatedly looking at yourself in the mirror
• Constantly comparing yourself to others

Additional symptoms of eating disorders include:

• Severe restriction of types or amount of food eaten
• Lack of appetite or interest in food
• Dramatic weight loss
• Upset stomach
• Stomach pain
• Severe constipation
• Mild anemia
• Brittle hair and nails
• Low blood pressure

Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD)

Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) is a highly treatable mental health disorder that causes a cycle of obsessions and compulsions. Obsessions are intrusive thoughts, images, urges, feelings and/or sensations that cause intense fear and anxiety. Compulsions are the physical or mental behaviors performed to relieve the distress from obsessions and/or prevent something bad from happening. 

It’s possible that OCD can intertwine with feelings of low self-esteem—potentially leading to obsessions and compulsions surrounding your appearance.  Feeling ugly could also be linked to a subtype of OCD known as “just right” or perfectionism OCD. 

Perfectionism OCD is characterized by re-occurring intrusive thoughts and compulsions revolving around organization, perfection, and making things feel “just right.” This OCD subtype could lead to unrealistic expectations about looking “perfect,” and if you can’t achieve that, it may cause feelings of failure and low self-esteem.

There are also certain OCD-related behaviors people might perform to overcome feeling unattractive, such as compulsive body checking (repeatedly checking your body size, shape, appearance, or weight) and skin picking or excoriation (spending several hours a day picking at scabs, pimples, etc.). 

How do I stop thinking I’m ugly?

If you feel that you’re ugly, there are a few things you can do to regain your self-confidence and start feeling better about the way you look. 

Here are some tips for overcoming the feeling of looking unattractive:

• Practice self-care. It might sound like a cliche, but it’s still incredibly important. When you feel like you’re ugly, it can be easy to get down on yourself and neglect your well-being. However, you deserve self-compassion regardless of how you look. Be sure to prioritize self-care with healthy activities such as going for a walk, journaling, and practicing mindfulness. 
• Surround yourself with people who care about you. Try to have a solid support system of people who appreciate who you are and care about you beyond your looks. “It’s always nice to be around wholesome people that are not judgmental,” says Zinman-Ibrahim. “Hang out with people who are supportive, who you’re comfortable with, and aren’t focused on superficial things.”
• Consider therapy. If you need help learning how to accept yourself, consider getting professional help. A therapist can work with you to determine why you feel unattractive and help you discover ways to cope with and overcome these feelings and negative self-talk.
• Limit time spent on social media. Research has shown that spending too much time on social media can make you depressed, which is particularly harmful if you’re already feeling bad about how you look. Try setting some boundaries around your time online, or even doing a social media detox to take a temporary break. 

Treatment for conditions associated with feeling unattractive

If you’re experiencing frequent, persistent worry about your physical appearance, getting mental health treatment is necessary to help you overcome these feelings. Here are therapies that can help you address your insecurities:

Talk therapy for BDD and eating disorders

According to Zinman-Ibrahim, talk therapy is the preferred treatment for BDD and eating disorders. “I would do some talk therapy and some self-esteem and self-worth work with someone around that,” she says. “I would ask them, ‘Why do you feel that way? Where is this coming from? How do we move forward with our values around beauty standards and what you feel like?’”

Below are the talk therapies that a licensed therapist may recommend to help you address feeling unattractive:

• Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT). CBT is an umbrella term for various evidence-based therapies that teach you practical skills to manage your anxiety and identify the core beliefs driving your decisions. “There’s actually a very specific form of CBT that you do for eating disorders and BDD,” says Zinman-Ibrahim. 
• Dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT). This type of therapy can help you develop skills to manage intense emotions and tolerate distress from BDD or an eating disorder. “If you struggle with distress tolerance, DBT can help,” says Zinman-Ibrahim.

In some cases, Zinman-Ibrahim says that medication may be added to the treatment plan to manage these two mental health disorders.

Check out the National Eating Disorders Association website to learn more about treatment for eating disorders.

Addressing gender dysphoria

Gender dysphoria treatable with gender-affirming care (GAC). According to UCSF Transgender Care, GAC is a range of medical and social services that support people who identify as TGNC throughout their transition journey. GAC can include:

• Mental health care. Mental health care is a significant component of addressing gender dysphoria and ultimately achieving gender euphoria (the feeling of joy when your gender identity aligns with your gendered experiences). It’s crucial that you find a culturally competent therapist that works with TGNC people. For starters, they should have a solid understanding of gender identity, know the concept of gender euphoria, and respect your pronouns.
• Medical treatments. You can discuss with your therapist and/or primary care provider which gender-affirming medical interventions are right for you. 
• Support groups. Outside of mental health and medical services, there are other ways to get support during your transition. Trans Lifeline has a list of vetted in-person support groups for TGNC people that you can join in your state.

Exposure and response prevention (ERP) therapy for OCD

“Just right” or perfectionism OCD and OCD-related behaviors, such as body checking and skin picking, can lead to obsessions and compulsive behaviors surrounding your insecurities, which can make you feel worse about yourself. 

If you have OCD, your best bet for effective treatment is exposure and response prevention (ERP) therapy. ERP is a type of talk therapy specifically designed for treating OCD. This evidence-based treatment helps you break the cycle of obsessions and compulsions so you can regain control of your life. You’ll work with a therapist specializing in ERP who will guide you through various exercises to help you overcome OCD.

ERP is split into two parts: exposures and response prevention techniques. Starting off, your therapist will gradually expose you to your triggers. From there, they’ll teach you strategies to help you refrain from engaging in compulsions in response to these fears.

The bottom line

Let’s be clear—it’s perfectly normal to have some insecurities about the way you look. While some people are able to accept their perceived flaws, for others, it can be really hard to overcome them. If you believe that you’re unattractive and it’s causing a lot of distress in your life, consider working with a licensed therapist. They can help find the source of your insecurities and help you set goals for yourself to rebuild your confidence.

If you’re having persistent worry about your looks, you could be dealing with a mental health disorder like BDD, an eating disorder, or OCD. If this is the case, be sure to find a therapist who has knowledge and expertise in these conditions. They can guide you through the diagnosis and treatment process so you get the help you need to manage your symptoms.