As someone who has struggled with obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) since I was a young child, I feel particularly compassionate for every kid with this condition. Growing up with OCD in the 80’s and 90’s, I had very little knowledge of what I was dealing with. My parents were equally clueless, through no fault of their own.
Sometimes we, as adults, can forget that children are also susceptible to mental health battles. We know that kids are resilient, and we might assume they’ll bounce back from whatever life throws at them. While this can be true in many cases, it’s important to validate our children’s experiences and do everything we can to help them.
I often wonder what my life could have looked like if I had someone who was equipped to identify what I was struggling with and guide me through the most difficult times in my life. While I can’t change the past, I can do everything in my power to be this person for my own children, who also have OCD.
Realizing my children were suffering from OCD and anxiety
You may think that living with OCD for my entire life and treating it as a therapist would set me up to handle any mental health obstacle my children would experience, but you would be wrong in that assumption. I had never necessarily considered that my children would be subjected to OCD like I was. The possibility just wasn’t on my radar.
As a mother, the last thing I want is to see my children in pain, so in many ways, watching my children suffer from OCD and anxiety has been even more difficult than going through it myself. I wholeheartedly wanted something different for each of them. That’s the thing about life, though—much of it is uncertain, surprising, and out of our control.
My personal experience with OCD made me pretty well equipped to recognize its symptoms and seek help (an advantage that I recognize many parents do not have), but as you can probably imagine, knowing that your child might be experiencing a condition and doing something about it are two completely different things.
Even though I knew OCD and anxiety, I was not emotionally prepared to deal with them in my children. I found myself falling into the same patterns that I taught other parents to avoid: becoming irritable and frustrated by the behaviors, and accommodating them just to ease my children’s pain. My desperation for my children to feel relief dragged me right down the rabbit hole of behaviors that only made their OCD and anxiety worse—and I knew it.
Despite the guilt and frustration I experienced, these challenges ultimately became valuable learning opportunities. I realized that there were important lessons I could impart to my children—not only about managing OCD, but about resilience, self-compassion, and courage.
Lesson 1: You are not alone.
Many children with OCD feel isolated, believing they’re the only ones experiencing these intense feelings and distressing thoughts. This is why it’s so important for us to normalize their experiences. Just like adults, they need to know they’re not alone. They need to hear about others having similar experiences so they don’t feel so full of shame.
You don’t need to be an OCD expert or have personal experience with the condition to support your child in this way. They need to feel heard and seen, so what matters most is your willingness to learn, listen, and empathize. By validating their experiences and emotions, you’re showing them that it’s okay to talk about what they’re going through.
As their parent or caregiver, you will be their safety net, their soft place to land after a hard day of battling OCD. This means there might be times when you notice your child lashing out in frustration or confusion. Children can be experts at hiding their emotions temporarily, but it is only a matter of time before these feelings come barreling out. Know that this is not personal—it’s often a sign that they’re struggling to process their emotions.
On the surface, children with OCD might seem fine. They may go through their daily routines as usual. But beneath that calm exterior, their minds are often racing, caught in a whirlwind of stressful thoughts while trying to just be a kid. And to make matters worse, many children feel intense shame and guilt about the content of their thoughts, which only adds to their distress. By standing with them, listening without judgment, and reinforcing that they’re not alone in this fight, you’re giving them the strength and confidence they need in those difficult moments.
Lesson 2: You have nothing to be ashamed of.
Along with isolation, shame is another significant barrier for many kids with OCD. This shame can be a formidable obstacle, often preventing them from seeking help or opening up about their struggles. It’s not uncommon for children with OCD to hide this shame and appear fine, well-adjusted, or even high-achieving from the outside.
As a parent or caregiver, though, you know your child better than anyone else, and you’re likely to notice the more subtle signs that something isn’t quite right—the “cracks” in their exterior, so to speak. These “cracks” will look different for every child. Some might be more obvious, like sudden angry outbursts or strong reactions to things that never bothered them before. Others might be harder to recognize: spending more time in the bathroom, having raw hands from excessive washing, taking longer showers, changes in sleep patterns, or becoming more argumentative.
No matter how the cracks present, they often contradict the child’s typical nature and will need to be addressed with support and love, not anger and punishment. Shame thrives in silence and by bringing OCD into the open, discussing it matter-of-factly, and showing unconditional love and support, you can give your child powerful tools to combat shame.
When my children were younger, I did this by reading them lots of age-appropriate stories about anxiety and OCD. I wanted to normalize their symptoms, which remains a central focus for me. This is why I’ve revealed more about my own experience with OCD as they’ve gotten older. Being open in this way has helped them feel more comfortable, understood, and confident that they can talk to me about anything without judgment.
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Lesson 3: OCD and anxiety are medical conditions, not personal failings.
Another thing that I place a great deal of emphasis on when talking to my kids is the fact that OCD and anxiety are not the result of a defect or something they have done wrong. They’re like any other medical condition that someone can develop, and they’re highly treatable. This offers hope and a path forward. After all, you wouldn’t ignore or downplay the importance of treating any other medical condition, so why would you do it for this one?
To help your child grasp this concept, you may want to consider explaining OCD in age-appropriate terms. This can help them understand how their thoughts and feelings are impacted by the condition. One way to do this is by using analogies that compare OCD to other medical conditions they might be familiar with. You can also try teaching your child to recognize unwanted, distressing thoughts as OCD talking, not them.
I have met others who disagree with this approach, but in my experience as both a parent and a professional, viewing OCD through this lens has been enormously beneficial. It confirms the seriousness of your child’s experiences, which can allow them to be more compassionate towards themselves.
The goal isn’t to minimize the impact of OCD, but to help your child understand that it’s a part of their experience, not the entirety of who they are. This, in and of itself, might be one of the most important lessons that a child with OCD can learn. It sets the stage for them to put the skills taught in OCD treatment into practice.
A final lesson for parents and caregivers
OCD is a difficult disorder, not only for the person who suffers from it, but also for those who love them the most. Please know that you’re allowed to feel upset, frustrated, and overwhelmed, and that it’s okay to not “know” everything or fully understand OCD. I’m an OCD specialist, but even I felt out of my depth when it came to my own children struggling with OCD.
If I can leave you with one final lesson, it would be this: If you think your child might have OCD, seeking professional help is one of the most powerful acts of love and support. I say this because I know from experience how debilitating OCD can become without proper treatment.
However, I also know the immense hope that exists in this situation, and I want to emphasize that, too. OCD is highly treatable, and with the right treatment and support, children can learn to manage their symptoms and lead fulfilling lives.
This is why I strongly recommend pursuing exposure and response prevention (ERP) therapy with an OCD specialist for your child. ERP is the gold-standard treatment for OCD, and it’s been proven to be highly effective in helping people manage their OCD symptoms and improving their quality of life. It’s what helped me regain my happiness, freedom, and hope.
At NOCD, our licensed therapists specialize in OCD and receive comprehensive training in treating OCD with ERP therapy, including specific training in treating children and adolescents. They’ll create a personalized treatment plan for your child and help you incorporate ERP into your family’s lifestyle, which creates a supportive environment that can reinforce the progress your child makes in therapy. NOCD also provides support sessions for loved ones, which can help family members develop a better understanding of OCD and how to provide support more effectively.
To learn more about how NOCD can help your child manage OCD, and about our support sessions for family members, book a free 15-minute call with our team.