It’s normal to feel a little lost when approaching the topic of obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) with a romantic partner. Perhaps you feel like you’re ready to open up, but you don’t know how much you should share. Or maybe you’re in a new relationship and can’t decide how soon is too soon to bring it up.
“First, it’s important to examine why you want to share,” says Tracie Zinman-Ibrahim, LMFT, CST, a clinician at NOCD. “Are you getting deeper with someone? Do you have a lot of compulsions that are obvious and they can see you doing them?”
Remember, you don’t have to tell anyone, adds Zinman-Ibrahim. “Because of that you need to ask yourself: What do I need? Is it relevant? Is it helpful?”
This expert guide will help you decide when (or if) to share, find the language to describe your OCD symptoms to your partner, and prepare yourself for questions or reactions you might receive.
Telling your partner about OCD is one of the many aspects of life that a trained therapist can help with. Find an OCD specialist.
8 tips for disclosing your OCD
1. Decide what the “right time” is for you to open up.
“As with any mental health condition or chronic illness, you don’t have to show up to a first date and say ‘Hi, my name is Tracie and I have the following disorders and OCD subtypes,” Zinman-Ibrahim says. Go at your own pace.
“I would first start with asking: why do I want to share this?” Zinman-Ibrahim says. “When you figure out why, then you can decide the timing. It probably isn’t relevant to someone you just started dating, unless they share something relatable like mentioning they also have a mental health disorder. Is there a perfect time? No. It’s about what feels right to you.”
2. Know your reason for sharing.
Everyone is different, and there are a number of reasons you might decide to share your OCD diagnosis with your partner.
Sometimes people open up to their partner simply because their compulsions are obvious. For instance, if you’re constantly checking to see if the car door is locked when you get out of a car, you might choose to mention the reason you do so. For others, the reason for disclosing is less of an “FYI” and more about getting support and encouragement. For example, maybe you’ve noticed you’re more anxious than usual lately and you feel sharing your struggle with an empathetic partner will help you feel less alone.
Getting clear on why you want to open up can help you determine which details you share—and which you may decide to keep private. Even your closest friends and your spouse do not need to know the precise content or themes of your OCD, Ibrahim says.
3. Ask yourself if a compulsion is at play.
“It can be compulsive to feel like you have to confess all of the things, but that’s not helpful,” says Zinman-Ibrahim.
Ask yourself this question before you talk to your partner about OCD: “Is a compulsion driving me to open up?” For example, maybe your OCD has tried to convince you that people can’t fully know you until they know about your intrusive thoughts. If so, you might want to consider speaking to an OCD specialist before you reveal too many details with your partner. “You are not defined by the content of your intrusive thoughts,” Zinman-Ibrahim says.
4. Direct your partner to some resources.
It can feel like emotional labor to explain OCD and exactly what it feels like to live with the disorder. One way to lighten the load: Direct your partner to some helpful resources, so they can try to learn about OCD on their own.
Ibrahim recommends sharing this NOCD article with your friends and family, which will walk them through a few scenarios that describe what it’s like to have OCD. If you have a specific OCD subtype like Relationship OCD or Harm OCD, it may also be helpful to share resources that help them understand the specific symptoms you might be experiencing.
5. Know when to press pause—or stop—on the conversation.
While it’s unfortunate, the truth is that sometimes people’s experiences of opening up to a partner or a loved one about their OCD diagnosis doesn’t go as planned. “If they’re not accepting, it’s not going to be helpful,” Zinman-Ibrahim says. “If you don’t feel like you can be vulnerable, it’s probably a red flag in your relationship.”
6. Ask your partner if they have any questions.
After you share what’s important to you, give your partner space and time to ask questions. They might want to know whether you’re receiving therapy, if there’s a “cure” for OCD, or what kinds of compulsions you perform. Remember, that you don’t have to answer everything right away. You can take time to gather your thoughts before responding.
7. Tell them about what you’re doing to treat your OCD.
Your partner is not your therapist, nor should they be, Ibrahim says. If you’re getting specific treatment for OCD, that might be something you disclose to your partner, so that they feel assured that you’re doing what you can to get professional help and support.
Not in treatment yet? Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP) therapy is the gold-standard treatment for OCD, and it’s unlike traditional talk therapy or general cognitive behavioral therapy (which can actually backfire and make your OCD worse). ERP works by gradually exposing you to your triggers, and teaching you response prevention strategies to cope with your distress—things that don’t involve compulsions.
8. If sex is an issue, talk about it.
Sometimes OCD affects your sex life. This can be because of certain medications that lower libido, difficulty becoming aroused, fear of sex, or varying levels of disgust about sex (and, particularly, bodily fluids) due to Contamination OCD.
“If your partner is not aware of the challenges you are facing, it can lead to misunderstandings and false assumptions, which could prevent you both from building intimacy, as well as trust,” says Keara Valentine, PsyD, an OCD specialist and psychology professor at Stanford.
So your partner has told you they have OCD. Now what?
If you’ve read this far but you’re actually the partner of someone with OCD, you might be here to better understand their experience—and how you can support them when they disclose their diagnosis. Here are some tips:
- Learn to recognize compulsions. OCD has two main symptoms: obsessions and compulsions. Performing compulsions can make your partner better at first, but over time compulsions make OCD symptoms worse.
Sometimes, you may be unknowingly involved in carrying out a compulsion. For example, if your partner asks for repeated reassurance, and you give it, this can strengthen their symptoms over time.
As hard as it can be (at least at first), try to spot a compulsion so you can know when the most loving act is to not enable one.
- Focus on the whole person. OCD can have a big impact on your partner’s life. But try to recognize all of the different parts of them, rather than narrowly focusing on only this one aspect.
- Create a supportive partnership: Remember, OCD is a chronic condition—not a choice or a moral failing. Your partner may have days when their symptoms are particularly distressing, such as when they’re sick, tired, or stressed. Try to provide encouragement rather than judgment on the hard days.
- Think about what’s outside of your control. As much as you may want to help, you cannot be completely responsible for your partner’s mental health, or the improvement of their symptoms. If your partner isn’t getting specialized therapy for OCD, encourage them to explore this option.
- Communicate openly: If you can tell your partner is struggling with something, but they haven’t talked to you about it, check in. Ask them to do the same for you, too. All relationships are a two-way channel.