If you have OCD—or you’ve done enough research on the subject—you may be able to pick up when others are displaying signs of the condition. Maybe you’ve noticed your dad excessively checking all the locks in the house or your friend that constantly seeks reassurance about the state of their relationship. If they’re undiagnosed, or unaware—to your knowledge—of OCD in general, you may ask yourself if it’s something you should bring up to them.
With kids, this may be easier to address because you can talk to their parents or guardians first and put the ball in their court. But with adult peers, it may feel tricky to decide if it’s your place to discuss. You want to help them get a diagnosis—or rule out that it’s OCD-related—but you don’t want to overstep. The good news is that there are expert-recommended approaches to these types of situations. Read on to get a better idea of what to do—and not do—when you think someone has OCD.
Do’s and Don’ts
DO explain the signs you’ve noticed
Start the conversation gently by sharing that you’ve noticed them displaying certain behaviors over and over again. Lay out exactly what you’ve seen, whether that’s ritualistic hand washing, excessive organizing, or other compulsive behaviors. If you’ve been taking note of these behaviors for a certain amount of time—like weeks or years—mention that.
DON’T diagnose them with anything
While you may in fact be correct that their symptoms warrant an OCD diagnosis, it’s not your place to tell someone “you have OCD.” Instead, use this time to express what you’ve seen and why you’re concerned. Encourage them to seek an evaluation from a healthcare professional. If they’re not quite ready to do that, point them in the direction of an OCD screening test from a reputable source.
DO approach them with empathy
When you’re ready to have this conversation, be mindful of your tone and the setting. OCD often comes with a lot of shame, and it might not be something they’re comfortable discussing at a social event or around certain people. If you’re unsure with whom they would be comfortable with, have the conversation as a one-on-one in a private room. If OCD if something you also deal with, this may be a good time to share your own experiences. ”You can absolutely say ‘hey, this is what’s going on with me and one of the reasons I’m bringing it up is I’m noticing some behaviors in you that I’ve seen in myself. I wanna make sure that you don’t have to be afflicted with stuff the way I’ve been afflicted,” says Dr. Patrick McGrath, chief clinical officer at NOCD.
DON’T rush them
This is a time to practice patience. OCD may be something they’ve noticed in themselves for years, or you may be the first one to point their behaviors out to them. As mentioned earlier, shame is a huge element within OCD, which may even cause someone to try and hide their symptoms if they’re aware of them. “ I think sometimes people might just pull away from someone whose brought it up because they don’t want them seeingtheir symptoms,” Dr. McGrath explains.
If someone initially comes off as insulted or are not automatically on board with your concerns, give them time to process. That may mean pausing the conversation till the next time they display behaviors, and bringing it up again. If the behaviors have suddenly disappeared after your mention, Dr. McGrath recommends saying ”how have you been dealing with those things? I haven’t really seen them much. Has it been better?” That gives them the opportunity to disclose whatever they’ve been dealing with if they are ready to share. If you feel like a guard is still up, you can tell them you saw an interesting article (or webinar, post, video, podcast, etc.) on OCD and you’re going to forward it to them, and leave it at that for the time being.
DO recommend effective treatment
Instead of just telling someone you think they may have OCD, come to the conversation prepared with resourceful, good information on the condition. That includes knowledge about exposure and response prevention (ERP) therapy, a form of cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) specially created to treat OCD. Decades of research has found ERP therapy to be the most effective treatment for OCD, significantly reducing symptoms in 80% of people with OCD. In ERP, they would work with a specially-trained therapist to design exposures, which are situations where they confront their fears head-on. This is a gradual process, where people with OCD start with easier exercises and move on to more difficult ones. A therapist will then teach you response prevention techniques, which are exercises that help you resist compulsions.
DON’T use stigmatizing language
Since you’re bringing up the fact they may have a serious condition, you may want to lessen the burn a bit by saying something like “everyone’s a little OCD” or “you’re lucky—OCD can be a superpower.” These statements may come off as offensive because misinformed remarks about OCD often minimize the condition, which can be debilitating. When you paint OCD in an ultra-positive light, that may also reinforce compulsions. For example, if your loved one has excessive cleaning or organizing compulsions, these shouldn’t be touted as “helpful” behaviors. There may be practical side effects, like a neat house, but know that it’s coming at the cost of an extreme mental burden. Take time to go through and unlearn the common myths about OCD before engaging in these types of interactions.
The takeaway?
These aren’t easy conversations to have, but you can approach the situation in empathic and informed ways. You should know that you’re taking the right step at getting someone the care they need for OCD—it usually takes an average of 14 to 17 years after they begin experiencing symptoms for a person to receive the correct diagnosis and start effective treatment. By pointing out their symptoms when you spot them, you may be saving them decades of their life. “If you notice something in someone and don’t say something about it, will you regret that years later?” Dr. McGrath says. In the long run, the person you’re trying to help will most likely be thankful you took the time to tackle this situation with knowledge, understanding, and compassion.