Dating Someone with Relationship OCD: Challenges and Tips

It’s fair to say that even the strongest relationships have their ups and downs. That’s just how relationships work. If your partner also has ROCD (relationship obsessive-compulsive disorder) it can add another complicated layer to that dynamic. It may feel overwhelming when they ask again for reassurance, or make another confession about thinking of their ex.

You may understand that your partner has a mental health condition, but that doesn’t necessarily make their myriad of compulsions any less confusing, upsetting or stressful. And as much as you sympathize with what your partner is going through, it can be hard on you, too. 

“Being the partner of someone suffering with ROCD can be really challenging and difficult to navigate when you don’t know how to best help them. But with the right guidance (for you) and treatment (for them), the two of you can have a healthy, fulfilling, successful relationship,” says Tracie Zinman-Ibrahim, LMFT, CST, Chief Compliance Officer of NOCD, the leading provider of telehealth care for OCD.

So how exactly can you best support your partner with the relationship anxiety that comes from ROCD? And what should you know about taking care of yourself, as well? Our experts weigh in.

What to know when you’re dating someone with ROCD

If you don’t have OCD, it can be a really hard condition to understand. But learning what your partner is going through can reduce some of the stress or frustration you feel—by, say, knowing not to take their behavior personally—and also help them feel seen. 

A bit of background: All types of OCD, including ROCD, share two symptoms in common—obsessions and compulsions. Obsessions are unwanted and often distressing thoughts, feelings, or urges that pop up constantly. For instance, your partner might think, I’m not good enough for you. What follows are compulsions, which are behaviors or mental actions they feel the need to do to alleviate their fear or anxiety, like repeatedly asking, Am I good enough for you?  

Here are some common obsessions with ROCD. They often show up as “what if” scenarios, like:

• What if I don’t actually love my partner?
• What if I’m not attracted to my partner?
• What if my partner’s not a good fit for me?
• What if I’m cheating on my partner inadvertently?
• What if my partner is cheating on me?
• What if there’s a better match for me out there?
• What if my partner doesn’t really love me?
• What if I’m not good enough for my partner?
• What if my partner’s previous partner was more successful/smart/good-looking than me?

And these are common compulsions your partner might have:

• Seeking reassurance from you, or other people, or by doing online research to try to find some sort of certainty
• Avoiding behaviors that might suggest commitment, like pushing off meeting your parents or going on a romantic getaway
• Analyzing your behaviors. Your partner might scrutinize the way you look at them, or how fast you reply to their texts.
• Ruminating about things like whether your relationship is healthy 
• Mentally checking their thoughts and feelings—say, to make sure they love you enough, or that they’re not attracted to other people
• Asking you to behave or not behave in certain ways. For example, they might want you to share your locations, not talk to certain people, and answer a lot of questions about your actions.
• Confessing doubts, intrusive thoughts, mistakes, and regrets—even those that seem trivial—so you can make an “informed decision” about whether to be with them

The important thing to know is that none of this means that your partner doesn’t love you. In fact, it likely means the opposite. How’s that? Well, part of the very nature of OCD is that it targets what the sufferer cares about most—and in your partner’s case, that’s you. (Pause and think about that for a moment. It means they truly value your relationship.) Still, their OCD creates endless fear and anxiety that can feel uncontrollable and very distressing. 

What can you do to support your partner with ROCD?

Here are seven things to try.

1. Educate yourself

One of the best things you can do for your partner is to learn what they’re going through and what you can do to help, says Kimberley Quinlan, LMFT, who specializes in OCD. If you’re reading this article, you’re already a step ahead. The good news is that there are so many amazing resources out there, from books and podcasts, to websites like NOCD and online support groups.

2. Be understanding

OCD can come in many forms, and it’s common to have more than one subtype. It’s up to your partner whether they’d like to share their specific themes with you. They might feel embarrassed about them, or that talking about their intrusive thoughts outside of therapy makes them worse. So if they want to keep their themes private, that’s OK. Honor their wishes.

And if they do want to confide in you, listen without judgment. Sharing OCD themes can feel highly vulnerable, so recognize the courage it takes for them to open up, and let them guide the conversation.

Sometimes, OCD can venture into taboo places. For instance, if your partner mentions intrusive thoughts related to harm, you may learn that harm OCD is rooted in fear and not desire, and that folks with this theme are no more likely to be violent than anybody else.

3. Encourage your partner to get proper treatment

Dealing with OCD can make your partner feel hopeless at times—like they’ll never get better. OCD is highly treatable, but it doesn’t respond to just any type of therapy. In fact, many people with OCD get stuck in a loop of ineffective treatments, often for years. That’s because the ones that work for some other mental health issues, like traditional talk therapy, can fuel compulsions and reinforce the OCD cycle. 

The gold-standard treatment for OCD is exposure and response prevention (ERP) therapy. It’s been proven effective in up to 80% of patients. ERP involves slowly introducing your partner to the things that trigger their obsessions—under the guidance of a trained ERP therapist—and giving them strategies to help them avoid doing their usual compulsions. Over time, they learn that they can let their intrusive thoughts go without acting on them.

Many therapists aren’t trained in ERP, so it’s important that your loved one seeks out someone who is well-versed in this type of therapy. All of the clinicians at NOCD specialize in ERP. The International OCD Foundation also has a directory of therapists who practice this therapy. 

Zinman-Ibrahim suggests encouraging your partner to get proper treatment as soon as possible. “A lot of times, the longer they let OCD go, the worse their symptoms get—because of the amount of compulsions that are being done,” she says. “Your partner can become more and more debilitated, and it can wear away at them and your relationship.”

4. Participate in their treatment

Don’t hesitate to ask if you can join a session here and there. Therapists usually welcome it, and it can be helpful for your partner. Plus, you can learn from a professional how to support your partner in a way that’s also in line with their treatment. And you can provide your partner’s therapist with valuable insights about them. “You might share things that your partner didn’t even realize they were doing,” says Zinman-Ibrahim. “It gives the therapist more information that can better support your partner’s therapy.”

5. Help your partner identify their compulsions

OCD can present in sneaky ways, so it’s crucial to know what your partner’s compulsions are—so when they come at you, you’ll be better able to respond to them, says Ibrahim.

Reassurance-seeking is one of the most common compulsions you’re likely to face with ROCD. Some signs to look for are if: 

• You’ve answered your partner’s question countless times before. Anyone can want to be reassured more than once, but this is especially true for people with OCD. “If you’ve given the answer once, that’s enough,” says Ibrahim.
• You get subtle variations of a question you’ve answered before. OCD can be creative in coming up with many different ways to get at the same question.  
• Your partner’s feelings seem urgent. People with OCD often want immediate certainty.
• Their reassurance-seeking isn’t realistic, or is it based on something their OCD usually targets. For example, if your partner is obsessed with the idea you might leave them because of their OCD, and the question is related to that, it is likely an OCD compulsion. 

“With all of these reassurance-seeking behaviors, take a pause before you respond and just sort of sniff it out,” says Zinman-Ibrahim. “What would you think is behind this question?”

6. Avoid fueling their compulsions

When your partner comes to you desperately seeking certainty, your first instinct would—naturally—be to want to make them feel better, even if you’ve offered the same reassurance over and over. This is someone you care deeply about, so of course you want to help them feel better. The thing is that even though your constant reassurances provide relief in the short term, they will only keep your partner in that cycle of OCD, and potentially make it worse.

The most supportive thing you can do is not feed their compulsions, and just sit in uncertainty with them, says Zinman-Ibrahim. That can be hard, especially if you’re in the habit of jumping in and trying to help all the time. 

“Most things that are being asked don’t have a valid answer,” she says. “If they ask, ‘Is this the right relationship?’ That is an unanswerable question. What is the right relationship? ‘If your partner wants to know, ‘Are we going to be together forever?’ How can you answer that question? We don’t know the answer to forever. We only know this moment.”

So, when your partner asks you questions like these, instead of leaping into reassurance mode, Ibrahim suggests responding with something like, “How can anyone know who’s going to be together forever? I know in this moment that I love you and I love to be here.” If your partner asks whether you’ll be together in retirement, help them stay present by saying something along the lines of, “Nobody knows the answer to that question, I can only speak to today and how I feel right now.” 

Another important point: If your partner tries to ask the same question in another way, Zinman-Ibrahim suggests simply saying, “I already answered that question,” and then moving on.

7. Be aware of your partner’s symptoms

You don’t have to keep track in a notebook or anything, but just try to notice if they start doing compulsions more often. For example, if they ask you for reassurance 10 times a day instead of their typical three, that’s concerning. Also be aware if they seem to be getting depressed or more anxious. “Those are times when it’s good to encourage them to get treatment, or to tell their therapist that their symptoms are on the rise,” says Zinman-Ibrahim.

How to take care your own needs

Let’s not forget about you in all of this! Self care is essential. Look, OCD is nobody’s fault, but dating someone who has it can be stressful. Here are some things that might help you—and in the long run also help you better show up for your partner.

1. Set boundaries

Ibrahim says that the best way to help yourself is actually the same way you can support your partner—and that is to set boundaries. Nobody likes to answer the same question over and over, nor does anybody want to hear their partner confess every single intrusive thought. You can recognize that their intrusive thoughts and compulsions aren’t their fault without needing to hear about every single one of them if you’re not comfortable. It’s OK to tell your partner things like:

“Please don’t tell me any more confessions when you see someone you think is attractive.”

“You don’t need to share the specific details of all your intrusive thoughts.” 

“I’m not going to answer questions I’ve already answered.”

Your partner may feel uncomfortable with this in the short term, but over time, they’ll acclimate to the reality of not being able to confess or get reassurance for every little thing. OCD starts to lose power when you don’t feed its compulsions. “And, importantly, it will help protect you from all of the compulsions that are coming your way, which can take off some of the stress that OCD can add to relationships,” says Zinman-Ibrahim. 

2. Get support

Don’t hesitate to seek out individual therapy if you feel the need. “This is a complex disorder that can be overwhelming. And everyone deserves to feel supported and cared for during this process,” says Quinlan.

And if your relationship has any issues separate from the OCD, you might want to consider couples counseling. Try to find a therapist that also has a specialty in OCD. (For example, Ibrahim is both an OCD specialist and a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist.) That way, they won’t inadvertently reinforce your partner’s OCD. 

3. Do some self-care

You can try journaling, meditating, practicing mindfulness, or simply taking time for yourself. And treat yourself with lots and lots of self-compassion. “People who have a partner with ROCD commonly report feeling alone, insecure and fearful,” says Quinlan. Just remember that ROCD is very manageable, and with the right support and treatment, it’s possible to enjoy the relationship you both deserve.