Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) can be debilitating—for the person who has it, of course, but even for others who are close to them. You might be at a loss about how to best support your partner, while also making sure to take care of yourself.
“It can be a tough balance to find,” says Patrick McGrath, PhD, Chief Clinical Officer at NOCD, the leading virtual provider of OCD therapy. But he and our other experts have insight and practical advice to help you find it.
What is OCD like?
A lot of people think that OCD is about being clean and organized, or washing your hands countless times each day. And it can be. But OCD can sink its hooks into just about anything someone cares about—not just germs or cleanliness. More importantly, the condition has a far deeper mental health impact than the repetitive behaviors that you might see on the surface.
OCD is characterized by obsessions, which are recurring intrusive thoughts, feelings or urges. Because they’re unwanted, they cause extreme distress. When your partner is caught in the thick of an obsession, they may seem anxious, irritable, or distracted.
The second part of OCD—compulsions—are behaviors done with the hope of relieving the distress triggered by intrusive thoughts, or to make sure that nothing bad happens. Compulsions can be an outward behavior, like your partner checking to make sure the door is locked over and over before they’ll leave the house. They can also simply happen in your partner’s mind, and be totally invisible to you. For example, when you go for a walk, they might count every single step in their head.
One of the most common OCD compulsions is called reassurance-seeking. Your partner may repeatedly ask you questions like, “Do you think I’m going to be okay?” or “Are you sure that bad thing isn’t going to happen?” The goal for someone with OCD is to try to make sure that the things they fear won’t come true. But the problem is, no answer is ever good enough.
Living with someone who has OCD
Any illness, mental or physical, comes with challenges to both the person with the condition and their loved ones. OCD is no different, and you shouldn’t feel guilty for being challenged in your role of supporting your partner. You can fully love and support your partner with OCD while also feeling exhausted by their condition. This is especially true if you find that you’ve been ignoring your own needs and putting theirs first.
“Over time, the partner of someone with OCD could feel like ‘This isn’t the relationship that I want,’ because it becomes more about providing reassurance versus having a mutual, fulfilling partnership,” explains Dr. McGrath. In other words, if left untreated, OCD can turn into the focus of the relationship, rather than the love you share.
Supporting a partner with OCD
The good news is that there is plenty you can do to support your partner, and their recovery journey, while also taking care of yourself. Here are some of the top ways Dr. McGrath recommends helping your partner:
- Encourage them to get the right therapy. If your partner isn’t in therapy, or isn’t seeing someone who specializes in OCD, you can gently nudge them in that direction. That’s because it’s unlikely for OCD to get better without professional help. The most effective treatment for OCD is Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP) therapy. It’s very different from traditional talk therapy—which doesn’t work for OCD and can, in fact, make it worse. ERP is a gradual process that works by gradually exposing your partner to things that trigger their OCD, while teaching them to resist engaging in compulsions that feed the OCD cycle. This process, over time, desensitizes them to their fears. Many therapists don’t specialize in ERP, but you can find one who does on NOCD’s therapist directory or the International OCD Foundation’s (IOCDF) directory.
- Participate in your partner’s therapy. In order to get a grasp on their unique experience with OCD, and how you can best support their treatment, OCD therapists typically recommend that you join a session or two yourself. “You can really benefit from sitting in and learning more about how your love one’s OCD is presenting, and the steps they’re taking in their therapy to help them manage their symptoms—because these are strategies they’re also going to be practicing on their own outside of therapy,” says Tracie Zinman-Ibrahim, LMFT, CST, and OCD specialist at NOCD.
- Educate yourself on OCD. Having more knowledge about OCD can help you understand and empathize with your partner. This will make it easier to show up for them, and they won’t have to feel like it’s completely up to them to explain their condition. Dr. McGrath recommends the book Loving Someone With OCD by Karen J. Landsman, Kathleen M. Parrish and Cherlene Pedrick.
- Avoid enabling. Enabling involves anything that caters to your loved one’s condition. You might do it to try to ease their fears, but it only reinforces their OCD and makes it worse. This can look like engaging in their compulsions with them, helping or reminding them to engage in compulsions (“Did you double-check the stove?”), or attempting to create an environment where their OCD is never triggered. “Lovingly tell them that the best thing you can do for them is to no longer provide them what their OCD wants,” says Dr. McGrath.
- Don’t offer reassurance. This is similar to enabling. And the idea is to be supportive, without constantly reassuring your partner. Practice saying things like, “I can’t answer that right now,” or “It sounds really hard to be experiencing this uncertainty.” Dr. McGrath says, “We know that reassurance isn’t what helps OCD. No one has gotten better by getting more reassurance.”
- Avoid telling them not to think certain thoughts. Trying to “just not think about” something is what experts call thought suppression. And while, of course, you only want your loved one to stop experiencing distress, it doesn’t work for OCD. What does is allowing their intrusive thoughts and anxiety to exist while recognizing that they don’t have to do anything in response. Remember: That’s what ERP therapy is all about. What you can say is something like, “It sucks that you’re experiencing this. Want to watch that show we’ve been excited about anyway?” It reminds them that they can feel their anxiety and still move on with their day the way they want.
- Encourage them to do the things they value. Maybe it’s something small—like cooking a nice meal—or it could be a bigger endeavor, like going back to school or starting a new job. No matter what it is, remind your partner of their passion, excitement, and ability to do whatever it is that matters to them. It reinforces the idea that OCD doesn’t get to control them.
- Set boundaries. Having boundaries is important in any relationship, and especially when a mental health condition is present. It’s okay to take alone time, have moments when you’re not available, and to sometimes say, “I don’t have the capacity for that right now, but I love you and will be able to show up more later.” It will help you maintain your own mental well-being, and allow you to be able to truly engage with and support your partner when you’re ready.
Getting help for yourself
OK, now let’s talk about you. Living with someone who has OCD can feel confusing, make you doubt your relationship, feel scared, rejected—you name the emotion, you’ve probably felt it.
When you’re a consistent support person, Zinman-Ibrahim recommends joining a group of other people who are going through the same thing as you. The IOCDF hosts a comprehensive list of online support groups, including ones for loved ones of OCD, such as the Mental Illness Caregiver Support Group, the GSO OCD Family Member Support Group, and the OCD Support Group for Families and Loved Ones. Support groups remind you that you’re not alone and allow you to meet others who are navigating the same situation you are.
Individual therapy can also help a lot. You may want to seek Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), which helps you recognize and understand the relationship between your thoughts, feelings, and actions. Since being a support person can come with a whole lot of feelings, this type of therapy can be particularly helpful in understanding those emotions, where they’re coming from, and how to deal with them.
Outside of peer and professional help, make sure you keep doing the things that are important to you—hobbies, spending time with loved ones (besides your partner), curling up and watching that new TV series. This will help you maintain a sense of independence. And even more than this, it will prevent you from developing resentment toward your partner or their OCD.
The point is that you can’t help others without helping yourself first—taking care of your own needs will allow you to help your partner with theirs.
