Disorganized attachment—which is sometimes called fearful-avoidant attachment style—is characterized by inconsistent behavior in relationships. If you have an extreme desire to be in an intimate relationship while also finding yourself detaching from your partner, avoiding relationships, or even lashing out at times, this could be you.
If you have this attachment style or you’re involved with someone who does, you might be wondering how it’s really affecting your relationship, and what you can do to have a healthier union. Keep reading for all the answers you need.
What is a disorganized attachment style?
Attachment theory, the study of how early emotional bonds impact relationships later in life, is a lens for understanding why we behave around our loved ones the way that we do. There are two broad types of attachment styles: secure and insecure.
Disorganized attachment style, sometimes known as fearful-avoidant attachment style, is considered an “insecure” attachment because it stems from an unstable relationship early in life. People with this attachment style typically seek out loving relationships, but later detach or lash out at a partner who gives them that love. That can cause emotional harm to both people in the relationship.
“What makes it ‘disorganized’ is that you show up for comfort and at the same time you’re pulling away,” says Tracie Zinman-Ibrahim, LMFT, CST, a therapist at NOCD. “It’s because your primary ‘care human’ was both the person who you would go to for comfort, but also the person who would cause some sort of issue.”
Understanding the three types of insecure attachment
Disorganized attachment is one of the three insecure attachment styles. So what are the other two?
- Avoidant attachment style. You may experience discomfort with emotional intimacy, a strong desire for independence, and difficulty trusting others or getting too close.
- Anxious attachment style. You may struggle to feel secure in their relationships. Fears of abandonment, mistrust, and seeking regular reassurance are key characteristics.
What causes disorganized attachment style?
Attachment styles are developed early in life based on the behaviors of your primary caregiver —usually a birth parent or another guardian. In the case of disorganized attachment style, that caregiver is present and loving sometimes, and other times is absent, unavailable, or, in severe cases, abusive.
“A lot of people are confused about disorganized attachment and think you have to have been abused, and that’s not true,” Zinman-Ibrahim says. “ It can just be that the parent isn’t present enough to give you what you need. For example, sometimes they comforted you and sometimes they were so stressed out and told you to watch TV.”
A lot of people are confused about disorganized attachment and think you have to have been abused, and that’s not true.
What are the signs of a disorganized attachment style?
In relationships, people with disorganized attachment tend to express confusing behavior, shifting from seeking closeness with their partner to pushing them away.
Other signs of disorganized attachment include:
- Difficulty regulating emotions
- High levels of relationship-related anxiety
- Difficulty trusting others
- Contradictory behaviors
- Fluctuating between fear of commitment and fear of rejection
- Regularly expecting to be disappointed
How disorganized attachment style plays out in relationships
Everyone has doubts in their relationship from time to time, but in the case of disorganized attachment these fears aren’t just a passing occurrence.
Someone with disorganized attachment is typically happy to be in a relationship but has constant concerns about whether the relationship is legitimate or lasting. “The way that it might show up is wanting that close connection—that safe feeling with your partner—but not trusting that it’s a safe place to be,” Ibrahim says. “I see people asking: Is this the right person for me? Am I the right person for them? Do we miss each other enough? Are we going to last forever?”
That kind of constant questioning can create discomfort for partners, who might not know how to provide the security and reassurance that’s being sought. Further, if a partner has a different attachment style (like anxious attachment) that also requires regular reassurance, the relationship dynamic can become tiresome as both people look for validation.
Sometimes, a person with disorganized attachment can become so uncertain about the future of their relationship that they end it all together as a way to avoid disappointment, even if those fears were unfounded. The good news is that there are ways to break these patterns and develop healthier relationships as well as protect your mental health.
How can disorganized attachment style affect your mental health?
Research shows that those with disorganized attachment are more likely to suffer from mental health or personality disorders than people with other attachment styles. That’s because unstable attachment to caregivers in early childhood interferes with one’s sense of safety, which can be the root cause of a number of mental health disorders including depression, anxiety, obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), post-traumatic stress disorder, and eating disorders.
Just because you have a disorganized attachment style doesn’t mean you have one of the mental health disorders listed above, Zinman-Ibrahim says. They can, however, overlap.
The relationship between disorganized attachment and OCD
Let’s take a look at OCD, or more specifically, relationship obsessive-compulsive disorder (ROCD), a type of obsessive-compulsive disorder that is primarily concerned with fears and doubts about one’s relationship. People with ROCD may experience intrusive thoughts, fears, urges, and anxiety about whether their partner is right for them, whether they are attracted to their partner (or vice versa), and whether they need to end their relationship.
“If you have a disorganized attachment style and a diagnosis of OCD, relationship OCD could come up,” Zinman-Ibrahim says. “Why? In disorganized attachment style, you’re already struggling with relationships, you’re already struggling to trust or feel safe in a relationship. Because of that, you might be having those questions and thoughts in your head, and then get obsessive about it and the compulsions would follow.” Compulsions, it should be noted, are actions—physical or mental—done in an attempt to reduce the distress that OCD sufferers feel, but they aren’t a long-term solution.
If you have a disorganized attachment style and a diagnosis of OCD, relationship OCD could come up.
One possible compulsion? Avoidance of relationships. “I deeply distrust myself with relationships right now and I’m afraid of what might happen to me if I fumble a date,” explains one NOCD community member with ROCD and disorganized attachment.
Ways to have a healthy relationship with a disorganized attachment style
There isn’t one specific type of therapy approach for disorganized attachment style, and people can be misled when seeking help. “Sometimes people go to couples counseling with these issues, but it’s not always a couples issue, unless you need help from the partner,” Zinman-Ibrahim says. “People need to address their own individual stuff first.”
Dialectical behavior therapy (DBT), which focuses on identifying and reversing unhelpful behaviors, is an effective method for disorganized attachment style because it teaches patients the skills to manage their own distress, rather than relying on a partner or someone else to manage those challenges, Ibrahim says.
When disorganized attachment overlaps with ROCD, however, another type of therapy is needed. The best treatment approach for ROCD (like all subtypes of OCD) is Exposure and Response Prevention therapy (ERP). ERP is a behavioral therapy that gradually exposes people to situations designed to provoke their obsessions in a safe environment, with a therapist’s guidance. Instead of engaging in a compulsion everytime the discomfort from an obsession arises, response prevention techniques make it possible to break the cycle of obsessions and compulsions. For instance, you might learn how to stop asking others or your partner for reassurance.
“ROCD makes you believe that you need to feel 100% certain about the state of your relationship, but this is an emphatic lie,” says NOCD Chief Clinical Officer Patrick McGrath, Ph.D. “A key part of progress in ERP is learning to accept uncertainty, because it exists everywhere in our lives.”